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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 146 January 7 1914 by Various
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Ebook has 178 lines and 16520 words, and 4 pages
Charles, when our protest was lodged, merely replied that our favour of the 10th inst. was to hand, and that he really could not see his way to moving further in the matter. Let me explain the present extent of Charles's movement.
Miss Donelan, who ought to have known better, had allowed herself to be saddled with a thing called a Branch subscription list on behalf of the St. Nicholas New Year Offering.
Having exploited the probables and possibles she finally handed the document on to me with instructions to tout it round among my friends.
Unfortunately I have no friends just now, except what I want to keep. While I was thus at a loss, Charles came to stay for a few days three doors off. He lives a long way away and would have time to forget before I saw him again. So on the day before his departure I bearded him like a man.
"Charles," I began, "you are fabulously rich. Your income comes in at such a pace that you hardly ever know within five shillings how much you have at the bank."
Charles blinked through the smoke of a violet-tipped cigarette.
"What about it?" he asked.
"This," I said; "I am, very reluctantly, offering you the chance of doing good. All you have to do is to sign your name here for anything up to a hundred pounds, and the good does itself. It is the Saint Nicholas New Year Offering."
"What does it do?" asked Charles uncomfortably.
"I see," said Charles. "It doesn't do; it offers. Just like a Member of Parliament."
"I wish," I said, "instead of being funny at other people's expense you would be serious at your own, and tell me exactly how much I can put you down for?"
"There you go again," said Charles. "You want me to think of some definite amount on the spot. You know I hate thinking, and I hate definite amounts. And I loathe doing anything on the spot."
I looked at the subscription list. The last entry was:--
Major-General R. Hewland, ?5 5s. 0d.
"You needn't do any thinking," I explained patiently. "You need only stick down exactly the same as the last man. And if you'll promise to do it I'll leave the list with you, and you can fill it in when you feel sufficiently off the spot."
"Exactly the same?" asked Charles.
"Exactly," I said, with rising hopes.
"All right," said Charles. "I'll let you have it some time."
Four days later, at Miss Donelan's urgent request, I wrote to Charles for it. It came in less than forty-eight hours.
Extract from conclusion of subscription list returned by Charles:--
Major-General R. Hewland, ?5 5s. 0d.
" " " " " " "
DINNER-TABLE TOPICS.
"MR. LLOYD GEORGE GOING TO A WARMER CLIMATE."
ANOTHER ACCIDENT TO AN INFINITIVE.
So far not much progress is visible.
And Mrs. and Miss Tomkins continue to arrive daily at Peter Snelbody's from Cricklewood.
THE SPELL
Though we greatly fear, alack! Cloddish unbelief Angered you and made you pack To our present grief, Hearts you shall not harden: Bathe your hurts and come you back Here to house and garden!
See, we call you, hands entwined, Standing at our door, With the glowing hearth behind And the wood before. Thence, where you are lurking, Back we bring you, bring and bind With our magic's working.
WHAT OUR READERS THINK OF US.
Sir,--I gave up your journal many years ago on account of its partisanship, and never read it now. Only last week I came across a paragraph in my copy which made me throw the paper into the waste-paper basket.
Yours faithfully,
VERITAS.
Sir,--Why is it you always favour the Tories?
Yours faithfully,
WELSH MEMBER.
Sir,--If you continue to publish cartoons with a pronounced Radical bias I am afraid you will lose at least one.
OLD SUBSCRIBER.
Sir,--I object to the advertisements. I think it would be a good move if you were to drop these, increase the number of pages, and reduce the price to a halfpenny. In taking this course you would have the support of several influential members of my parish, in addition to myself.
Yours faithfully,
A COUNTRY PARSON.
Sir,--What your paper needs is light relief. Could you not give us a little humour now and then?
Yours faithfully,
A POPULAR WRITER.
P.S.--The last MS. you returned to me was very much crumpled. Please be more careful in the future.
Sir,--I think it a pity you publish jokes. In this age, when all things--even our dear Bishops--are considered fit subjects for jest, we could do with one serious-minded paper. Trusting you will think this over,
Yours faithfully,
HITCHY KIKUYU.
Yours faithfully,
WASHINGTON G. BUSTER.
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