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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 146 January 14 1914 by Various
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PUNCH,
VOL. 146.
January 14, 1914.
CHARIVARIA.
We hear that the CHANCELLOR has, while in North Africa, been making a close study of camels, with a view to ascertaining the nature of the last straw which breaks their backs.
It is denied that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, in order to give a practical demonstration of his belief in the disarmament idea, has given instructions that all precautions against attacks on him by Suffragettes are to be discontinued.
On the day of the marriage of the Teuton Coal-King's daughter to Lord REDESDALE's son last week there was snow on the ground. The Coal-King must have shown up very well against it.
Sir REGINALD BRADE is to be the new permanent secretary at the War Office. Let's hope he has no connection with the firm of Gold Brade and Red Tape.
It has been discovered that members of a certain Eskimo tribe have an extra joint in their waists. The news has caused the greatest excitement among cannibal tribes all over the world, and it is expected that there will be a huge demand for these people. Where there are big families to feed the extra joint will be invaluable.
"OUR RESOLUTION IS TO GO FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR." advertises the London General Omnibus Co. A capital idea, this. Vehicles which simply go backwards are never so satisfactory.
After one-hundred-and-fifty-years' careful consideration the War Office has given permission to the Black Watch and the King's Royal Rifle Corps to bear on their regimental colours the honorary distinction "North America, 1763-64," in recognition of services rendered during the war against the Red Indians.
Not sixty people visited "La Gioconda" on one of the days after her return to Paris, when a charge of four shillings was made for admission, and, towards the end of the day, the smile is said to have worn a rather forced look.
"Who are the best selling modern authors?" asks a contemporary. We do not like to mention names, but, as readers, we have been sold by several popular writers lately.
We are not surprised that many persons are becoming rather disgusted with our little amateurish attempts at Winter. Thousands now go to Switzerland, and Sir ERNEST SHACKLETON is going even further afield. Meanwhile the Government does nothing to stem this emigration.
The boxing craze among the French continues. M. VEDRINES, the intrepid aviator, has taken it up and been practising on M. Roux's ears.
The German CROWN PRINCE has become a member of the Danzig Cabinet Makers' Union. Later on he hopes to become a Chancellor-maker.
"PNEUMONIA ON THE RAND. DISCOVERY OF ITS CAUSE. SIR ALMROTH WRIGHT'S VACCINE TREATMENT."
Could frugality go further? At the golden wedding celebrations of a Southend couple, a packet of wedding cake was eaten which had been put away on their marriage day in 1863.
A soap combine, with a nominal capital of ?35,000,000, is said to have been formed to exploit China; and the Mongols may yet cease to be a yellow race.
The latest tall story from America is to the effect that some burglars who broke into the Presbyterian church at Syracuse, New York, stole a parcel of sermons.
YOUNG MOTHER'S SWAN-SONG.
How do you take a baby up? What does it like to eat? Do you put rusks in a feeding cup? Have you to mince its meat? Haven't I heard them speak of pap? Isn't there caudle too? How do you keep the thing on your lap? Why are its eyes askew? Is it a touch of original sin Causes an infant to squall, Or trust misplaced in a safety-pin Lost in the depths of a shawl? When do you "shorten" a growing child ? Should legs be lopped or the scalp be filed? Both in a sense seem wrong. "Kitchy," I think I have heard them say; What shall I make it kitch? "Bo" I believe in a mystic way Frightens or soothes, but which? Didn't I see one once reversed, Patted about the spine? Is it the way they should all be nursed? Will it agree with mine? Surely its gums are strangely bare? Why does it dribble so? Will reason dawn in that glassy stare If I dandle it briskly? OH!!! Grandmothers! Mothers! or Instinct, you! Haste with your secret lore! What, oh what shall I, what shall I do? Baby has crashed to the floor!
Asbestos, no doubt.
A PRANCING PRUSSIAN.
My Prussian braves, on whom devolves the mission To vindicate our gallant Army's worth, Upholding in its present proud position The noblest fighting instrument on earth-- If, in your progress, any vile civilian Declines the homage of the lifted hat, Your business is to paint his chest vermilion-- Kindly attend to that.
Never leave barracks, when you go a-shopping, Without an escort loaded up with lead; Always maintain a desultory popping At anyone who wags a wanton head; If, as he passes, some low boy should whistle With nose in air and shameless chin out-thrust, Making your scandalised moustaches bristle-- Reduce the dog to dust.
I hear a sinister and shocking rumour Touching the native tendency to chaff. If you should meet with specimens of humour See that our soldiers get the final laugh; Fling the facetious corpses in the fountains So as the red blood overflows the brink; Keep on until the blue Alsatian mountains Turn a reflective pink.
Should any female whom your shadow touches Grudge you the glad, but deferential, eye; Should any cripple fail to hold his crutches At the salute as you go marching by; Draw, in the KAISER's name--'tis rank high treason; Stun them with sabre-strokes upon the poll; Then dump them Down cellars with the coal.
Enough! I leave our honour in your keeping. What are your bright swords for except to slay? Preserve their lustre; let me see them leaping Out of their scabbards twenty times a day; Unless we smash these craven churls like crockery To prove our right of place within the sun, Our martial prestige has become a mockery And Deutschland's day is done!
O.S.
We confess that the bullet style is too fast for us.
We must go and look at the Venus de Milo's corsage again.
THE NEW JOURNAL-INSURANCE.
The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely ignorant of Army Order 701.
"Dear Sir" --"A meeting of the Underhill Members of the Council will be held to-morrow , at 3 o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens for the purpose of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post."
"With effect from 1st January, 1914" "rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance Department instead of locally as at present."
One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table.
WHAT TO TELL AN EDITOR.
The following suggestions may serve to indicate some of the lines of thought that you might follow:--
State where you sent your first manuscript.
What you thought of it, and of the Editor who returned it.
Your height and chest measurement .
State who persuaded you to take up literature, and give height and chest measurement of same.
Give a short but optimistic description of your contribution, not to exceed in length the contribution itself.
State whether literary genius is rife in your family or has been rife at any time since 1066.
Give a list of journals to which you have already sent the enclosed contribution, and state your reasons for supposing that the Editors were misguided. Hint that perhaps, after all, their lack of enterprise was fortunate for the present recipient.
Mention your hobbies and the different appointments you have held since the age of twelve, with names and addresses of employers. Also give your reasons for remaining as long as you did in each situation.
State how long you have been a subscriber to the journal you are electing to honour, and whether you think it's worth the money. Point out any little improvements you consider desirable in its compilation, and mention other periodicals as perfect examples. Preface these remarks with some such phrase as this: "Pray don't think I want to teach you your business, but--"
Give full list of friends who have promised to buy the paper if your contribution appears.
Give a brief outline, in faultless English, of your religious, political and police court convictions, your views on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, and any ideas you may have about the Law of Copyright.
Finally, enclose a stamped and addressed envelope for the return of your article.
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