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Read Ebook: Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia by Various
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Ebook has 994 lines and 27059 words, and 20 pages
GOOD STORIES
REPRINTED FROM
THE LADIES' HOME JOURNAL
OF PHILADELPHIA
GOOD STORIES
from THE LADIES' HOME JOURNAL
A fat woman entered a crowded street car and, seizing a strap, stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his toes.
As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath.
"Not at all, madam," he replied; "it's not kindness; it's simply self-defense."
A charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and won by a physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father. Calling one of them to her she said: "Georgie, I am going to do something before long that I would like to talk about with you."
"What is it, Ma ?" aiked the boy.
"Bully for you. Ma, Does Doctor Jones know it ?"
"Now, Sammy Smith, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Sammy, with a shout of glee: "At de bottom, ma'am--that's what you said!"
A traveler going to New Zealand was asked by a friend if he would inquire, while there, as to the whereabouts of the friend's grandfather, Jeremiah Thompson.
"Certainly," said the traveler, and wherever he went he asked for news of the ancestor, but without avail.
One day he was introduced to a fine old Maori of advanced age. "Did you ever meet with an Englishman named Jeremiah Thompson?" he asked.
A smile passed over the Maori's face. "Meet him?" he repeated. "Why, I ate him!"
A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter's gate he was asked the usual questions:
"What is your name, and where are you from ?"
The answer was, "Mr. So-and-So, from Boston."
"You may come in," said St. Peter, "but I know you won't like it."
An old lady, really quite well, was always complaining and "enjoying poor health," as she expressed it. Her various ailments were to her the most interesting topic in the world. One day a neighbor found her eating a hearty meal, and asked her how she was.
"Poor me," she sighed, "I feel very well, but I always feel bad when I feel well, because I know I am going to feel worse afterward."
They took him to the sanatorium moaning feebly: "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine."
"What does he mean by that?" the attendant inquired.
"It's the number of buttons on the back of his wife's new frock," the family doctor explained.
Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, "Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now?"
"Did you mail my letter, Mary?" asked her mistress. "It was an important one, you know."
"Yis, mum, indeed I did."
"But why have you brought back the two cents I gave you for the stamp?"
"Sure, I didn't have to use it, mum," replied Mary. "I slipped th' letther into th' box whin nobody was lukin'."
A husband was being arraigned in court in a suit brought by his wife for cruelty.
"I understand, sir," said the Judge, addressing the husband, "that one of the indignities you have showered upon your wife is that you have not spoken to her for three years. Is that so?"
"It is, your Honor," quickly answered the husband.
"Well, sir," thundered the judge, "why didn't you speak to her, may I ask?"
"Simply," replied the husband, "because I didn't want to interrupt her."
The inspector asked the boys of the school he was examining: "Can you take your warm overcoats aff?" "Yes, sir," was the response. "Can the bear take his warm overcoat off?" "No, sir." "Why not?" There was silence for a while, and then a little boy spoke up: "Please, sir, because God alone knows where the buttons are."
In the cook's absence the young mistress of the house undertook, with the help of a green waitress, to get the Sunday luncheon. The flurried maid, who had been struggling in the kitchen with a coffee machine that refused to work, confessed that she had forgotten to wash the lettuce.
"Well, never mind, Eliza. Go on with the coffee, and I'll do it," said the considerate mistress. "Where do you keep the soap?"
A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the waiter:
"Have yez any whale?"
"No."
"Have yez any shark?"
"No."
"Have yez any swordfish?"
"No."
"Have yez any jellyfish?"
"No."
"All right," said the Irishman. "Then bring me ham and eggs and a beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish."
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