Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 100 February 21 1891 by Various

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CH-RL-S ST-RT at one rein, Sir, And J-ST-N at the other. Give prospect small of progress In pummelling one another. As Honest JOHN my chance is gone Of helping ill-used PAT, If the Union of Hearts in Shindy starts, And the Message of Peace falls flat. WILL and I on the Jaunting Car, With the couple of Jarvies at war, Are sad to our souls, Wherefore win at the polls If we lose on the Jaunting Car?

In battle's wild commotion, With proud and hostile SM-TH, O'er Land or Tithe, our hearts were blithe, Till P-RN-LL sapped our pith. But "Mr. Fox's" lethal darts Make "Union" all my eye; Our ranks they thin , As right and left they fly. Though we cling to the Jaunting Car, We were better out of it, by far; Not the G.O.M.'s art Can those Jarvies part Who fight for the Jaunting Car.

PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--Messrs. J. and W. VOKINS, Great Portland Street, have an interesting loan collection of some of the Old Giants of the English Water-colour School on view. There may be found TURNER, DE WINT, WILLIAM HUNT, HOLLAND, COPLEY FIELDING, STANFIELD, MULREADY, J.D. HARDING, besides many others. How good are the Old Giants, and their works are as bright and fresh as the day they were painted. Their reputations have not faded, neither have their pictures, and moreover, they are not likely to. And so say all of us! And so says, Yours paragonically, OLD PAR.

THE HUNDRED-AND-TEN-TONNER!

What is it, that, with labour skilled, Though taking full three years to build, The place of better weapons filled? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

What was it, though, that had to stoop, When fired, to putting on a hoop, Spite this, yet found its muzzle "droop"? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

And what, that matters made more hot, Such curious ammunition got, It cost ?400 a shot? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

Yet, much to the tax-payer's bliss, What, firing such a sum as this. At eighteen hundred yards would miss? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

What is it, spite the First Lord's grace, That guns of better make and case At half the cost could well replace? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

So, what no more upon the deep Should JOHN BULL floating useless keep, But quickly from his Navy sweep? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

PROPOSED TUNNEL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND IRELAND.--An Irishman observed this would bridge over a lot of difficulties; he begged pardon, he meant it would Leth-bridge them over.

CANDOUR IN COURT.

"How does it hap," quoth ESHER, M.R., "That Solicitors languish for lack of bread? That want of cases, as felt by the Bar, To cases of want has recently led? Oh, how does it come, and why, and whence, That men shun the Law as a pestilence?

"It can't be denied that the public tries To avoid an action by every means; To a Court it with much reluctance hies, And to arbitration madly leans. In fact--I say it without offence-- It shuns the Law as a pestilence.

"'Tis all the fault," said this great Law Lord, "Of demands for inspection, and similar pleas; Of expenses that neither side can afford, Commissions and interrogator-ees; Till Pelion's piled on Ossa--and hence Men shun the Law as a pestilence.

KING JOHN AT OXFORD.

THE PINK OF COURTESY, AND A TRUE BLUE.

Last week a Cambridge Graduate, a Layman, not a Reverend Don, kindly coached the Oxford Eight. The great Duke of WELLINGTON, courteously instructing the French Army how to defeat the English, would be an historical parallel. It is to be hoped that this sublime example of unselfish devotion to aquatic sport will be followed in other walks of life. We may expect to learn from the daily papers how,--

On Monday a Cabinet Council was held at Downing Street. Lord SALISBURY presided, and Mr. W.H. SMITH being indisposed, Mr. W.E. GLADSTONE kindly consented to take his place.

On Tuesday General CAPRIVI went on leave, his place as confidential adviser to the Emperor of GERMANY being supplied during his absence by Prince Von BISMARCK.

The Czar of RUSSIA, wishing to take a short holiday in Denmark, has arranged that his place shall be supplied by Prince ALEXANDER, once of Battenberg, and late of Bulgaria. Before his return to St. Petersburg His Majesty is likely to spend some time as the guest of several leading Nihilists.

On Wednesday President CARNOT paid a long visit to General BOULANGER, with a view to submitting to that eminent statesman a scheme for the reorganisation of the French Army.

On Thursday the King of ITALY, having arranged to accompany Signor CRISPI in a yachting cruise to South America, the POPE took up his residence at the Quirinal, and presided at a National Council. Later in the day his Holiness reviewed the Roman garrison.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

"If it hadn't been for him," ATTORNEY-GENERAL mutters, still glaring on elect of Salford, "shouldn't have to be down here now, answering these sort of questions."

No doubt HOWORTH was, though undesignedly, originator of the business. Saw in incident of Hartlepool election an opening for minimising effect. Wrapped purpose up in form of question addressed to ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Question in subtly diplomatic form insinuated against FURNESS charge of breach of Corrupt Practice Act. ATTORNEY-GENERAL, knowing that HOWORTH is the man who pulls the strings of statecraft, not only in Salford and London, but in Berlin and St. Petersburg, did not venture to decline to answer; gravely played up to his lead. Opposition laughed and cheered; saw their opening, and have since diligently filled it. Scarcely day passed since that questions on hypothetical cases, addressed to ATTORNEY-GENERAL, have not appeared on Orders. As they are moulded on HOWORTH's, which he answered fully, even genially, difficult to refuse reply. But there must be a limit to this kind of thing; reached to-day when caustic CAUSTON comes forward with request for gratuitous opinion on case submitted, involving difficult question of eligibility of Catholics for seat on Woolsack. SUMMERS, who, depressed by Irish domestic difficulty, hasn't put a question for three weeks, goaded into activity; puts down another on same subject. Mr. ATTORNEY respectfully declines to answer either. Opposition yell with derisive cheers.

Mr. ATTORNEY a man of equable temper, but this too much for him. Must find object of attack somewhere. Waited till HOWORTH had said adieu to five ladies whom he had been showing round the House. "Look here, HOWORTH," said Mr. ATTORNEY, his amiable visage clouded with unwonted wrath, "you content yourself with looking after the MARKISS, and keeping him straight, but don't you come round me any more with your confoundedly clever questions."

"No, dear TOBY," he said; "like MARTHA, I am troubled with none of these things. The fact is, I am pining for opportunity to give battle to BALFOUR in the matter of his Government of Ireland. You remember I tabled notice of a Motion on the matter as soon as the House met in November. Then I was so anxious, so absorbed in the subject, that I forgot all about it till Brer FOX and Brer RABBIT appeared on the scene, and bid against each other for precedence. Thereupon I pulled my Resolution out of pigeon-hole; reminded OLD MORALITY of my prior claim; had it admitted, and day fixed. Should have come on last Monday, you know. Tithes Bill in hand all last week; everybody tired of it; agree there's really nothing in it; Opposition smouldering out; then suddenly, my Motion having been put down for Monday, interest in Tithes Bill swells; becomes absorbing. Couldn't possibly finish last Thursday; everyone so urgent to continue debate that House was Counted Out on Friday; yesterday was appropriated for further debate on Report stage; Thursday next is taken for Third Reading, and I'm put off till Monday."

"And who arranged all this?" I asked, with unfeigned sympathy.

"Well, it was our fellows, you know, with assistance of Irish Members. We are all so anxious to have it out with Prince ARTHUR that we made it impossible for debate on his iniquities to come on this week. TIM HEALY suddenly developed personal interest in Tithes Bill. Put down several new Clauses. So succeeded in perhaps indefinitely deferring debate on my Resolution. You know little, TOBY, of the thirst for battle. It's more exhausting than the conflict itself. You'll excuse me, I'll take another turn; to walk off the restless excitement is the only hope left for me."

And crossing his hands behind him, honest JOHN was off again, down the corridor, his red necktie gleaming in the further recesses like the lurid light of battle.

"Like evening bells," I said to the Member for Sark.

"More like a barrel-organ," he responded, gruffly. "HALL has the oratorical manner of a street-preacher, and the emptiness of a tankard that a thirsty porter has held to his lips for sixty seconds. Like a skilfully-drawn glass of his own four-half, he's mostly froth; only, after all, there's something under the froth in the glass of 'HALL's Hextra,' and there's nothing beneath the sound of HALL's ambitious common-places."

SARK often says nasty things; seems in particularly disagreeable mood to-day. Even fell foul of the inoffensive Member for Crewe. WALTER MCLAREN, whilst declaring himself strongly in favour of Bill, wanted to throw it out because it didn't provide opportunity for women to marry their deceased husband's brother.

"McLAREN," snarled SARK, "is one of those typical Radicals who have no toleration. He's the sort of man who would bite off his nose to spite his face. Quiet, gentle, almost feminine, in his manner, he would think nothing of boiling you and me in molten lead if we didn't cross our t's exactly at the height he is accustomed to do, or dotted our i's at an angle which did not conform with his views. Scratch a Radical, TOBY my boy, and you'll find the Tyrant."

I'll take care to do no such thing.

"As humble naval officer," he roared, as through a speaking-trumpet, "I protest against addressing our immortal naval hero in the words of the Poet, saying unto him, 'Friend, go down lower.'"

CIVIL SERVICE NOTE.--The Directors of the Covent Garden Opera Company present their compliments to the C.S. Examiners, and trust that they will reconsider their determination to exclude the Italian language from their list of subjects. The Directors will be happy to give every facility to students during the forthcoming Opera season. Box Office now open. Reduction on taking a quantity.

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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