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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 100 May 9 1891 by Various
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VOLUME 100.
May 9, 1891.
A FIRST VISIT TO THE "NAVERIES."
"Shiver my timbers!" said the Scribe.
"Haul down my yard-arm with a marling-spike!" cried the Artist.
The Scribe and the Artist, on their visit, were invited by all sorts and conditions of men to partake of champagne. The moment it was discovered that they were "connected with the Press," the offerers of hospitality were absolutely overwhelming. But, obeying the best traditions of their order, they sternly, but courteously, refused all refreshment. It is fortunate they pursued this course, for had they received the entirely disinterested kindness of their would-be hosts, their recollections of the marvels of the Royal Naval Exhibition would no doubt have been of the haziest character imaginable. As it was, they were able to take their departure through the main entrance with some show of dignity, and not in a less imposing manner , by Tite Street.
AMONG THE IMMORTALS.
MUSICAL NOTES.
GENERAL SUMMARY OF CARICATURES OF MR. GLADSTONE.--"Collarable Imitations."
FASHION'S FLORALIA;
OR, THE URBAN QUEEN OF THE MAY.
"London town is another affair Since HERRICK wrote his perfect rhymes."
MORTIMER COLLINS.
True, sadly true, shaper of rattling rhymes, London hath changed with process of the times. Aurora now may "throw her faire Fresh-quilted colours through the aire," But our conditions atmospheric Are not as in the days of HERRICK. Nathless the Muse to-day may see Flora at urban revelry. See how the goddess trippeth from the West, Fragrant, though something fashionably drest; The Season waketh at her tread, Art lifteth a long-drooping head; Music doth make a merry din. 'Tis profanation, keeping in, Whenas a hundred Shows upon this day Spring, lightly as the lark to fetch in May.
Come, my CORINNA, come; and, coming, mark How each street turns a grove, each square a park, Made green and trimmed with trees: see how The pinky hawthorn decks the bough! Each Bond Street porch, or door, ere this Of Art a Tabernacle is; Nor Art alone. With May is interwove Seaweed, which Neptune's favourites love. SWINBURNE should sing in stanzas fleet, How NELSON may, at Chelsea, meet ARMSTRONG! Sound conch-shell! Let's obey Thy Proclamation made for May. Wild marine whiffs from the salt sea are straying, And the brine greets us as we go a-Maying.
Come, let us go, while May is in its prime, And make the best of the brief Season's time. HERRICK'S CORINNA might not see An Urban May Queen such as we Behold disport in our rare sun. Rouse, Nymph! The Season is begun! We'll trust no blizzard, and no boreal rain May mar "Our Opening Day." Sound flutes again! Pipe, Sir FREDERICK! Ah, well played! Tootle thy new strains, fair Maid. Blow, oh Briny One, with might! Teuton BRUNEHILD, glad our sight! Fashion's Floralia, Nymph, invite our straying; Come, my CORINNA, come; let's go a-Maying!
THE HUMOUR O'T!
GLADSTONE stern and GLADSTONE staid, Ha! ha! the humour o't! GLADSTONE in war-paint arrayed, He! he! the humour o't! GLADSTONE "Out" and GLADSTONE "In," GLADSTONE with colossal chin, Giant collars plunged within, Humph! humph! the humour o't!
SMITH with bland perennial smile, Ha! ha! the humour o't! BALFOUR, pet of the Green Isle, He! he! the humour o't! HARCOURT, big as Babel's tower, GOSCHEN, with myopic glower, JOSEPH of the orchid-flower. Humph! humph! the humour o't!
AN UN-"COMMON" GOOD HORSE.--The Winner of this Year's Two Thousand.
MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
AN AGRICULTURAL TRIPOS.
PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION PAPER.
THE HANSOM CAB STRIKE!--Remarkable Conversion!! Not yet concluded! Last week another lot of Hansoms became Growlers.
REPARTEE TO A SPOUSE.
Both parties in the recent extraordinary abduction case, where a Mrs. JONES was carried off down a rope-ladder at midnight by her own husband, Mr. JONES, have published statements defending their own line of conduct. The following is Mrs. JONES'S version:--
"As public opinion appears to have erroneously taken my--so-called--husband's side, as far as I can gather from my having been twice chased through the streets by an infuriated mob, and four separate attempts having been made to blow up my house with nitro-glycerine, I feel compelled to explain--with much reluctance--why it was that I declined to live with Mr. JONES.
On perusing the above, Mr. JONES decided that he could no longer keep silence, and has made public the subjoined explanation:--
"When I first saw Mrs. JONES--then Miss THOMPSON--her youthful grace quite captivated me. Her age was under fifty-six, and mine was just sixty. She was, in fact, as I told her at the time, almost old enough to know her own mind. It is true that she was wealthy, but that had no influence on my conduct. On the contrary I felt it as a positive drawback, as my domestic ideal has always been Love in a Cottage! But as she was bent upon our marrying, I agreed to waive this objection.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE ADOPTED CHILD.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
JOKIM doesn't enjoy performance quite so much as GENIAL GEORGE. Oddly enough, Budget Night, which ought to be the apex of comfort and glory for CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, is with him ever the season of tribulation. House of Commons is, regarded as audience, always at its best on Budget Night. Will laugh immoderately at feeblest joke uttered by CHANCELLOR; cheers to the echo his moral sentiments; sits enraptured when he soars into eloquence; and is undisguisedly grateful when he has completed his peroration. JOKIM'S muddle of Thursday night made the best of. Opposition silenced by promised legislation establishing Free Education. Everything in sunshine-glow of prosperity. Thought JOKIM might keep some of the sunbeams for himself. Then comes HARCOURT with the abhorr?d shears of facts and figures, and slits the thin-spun web of JOKIM'S ingenious fancy; shows that, instead of a surplus, he has, when honest arithmetic is set to work, a deficit; instead of increasing the rate of reduction of National Debt, he has done less in that direction than his predecessors; and that whilst expenditure on Army and Navy has exceeded any figures reached by former Chancellors of the Exchequer, the floating debt is ever growing.
JOKIM sits on Treasury Bench affecting the virtue of a smile though he has it not. Wriggles like a snail under dispensation of salt. When HARCOURT finished, HENRY FOWLER stepped in, and with fresh array of figures and new marshalling of argument, completed the demolition of JOKIM'S system of finance. Mr. G. looked smilingly on, delighting in the energy and aptitude of his Young Men. JOKIM, anxious to change the subject on any terms, tried to draw Mr. G. into the controversy. "I think not," said Mr. G., with a smile of ineffable sweetness. "Right Hon. Gentleman need not go so far afield: will have pretty tough job in answering HARCOURT."
A pretty scene; admirable Parliamentary play. Oddly enough boxes empty; stalls a wilderness; pit only half full. Energies of House so sapped with dreary flood of talk on Irish Land Bill cannot be reanimated even for a brisk battle over the Budget.
"KEAY," says WILFRID, "occupies a strategical position, which gives him a great pull over LABBY. His respected Leader sits on the bench immediately below him. Some day SEYMOUR KEAY'S wild Mahratta blood may boil over, an unsuspected scimitar may flash forth from his trouser pocket, and the SAGE'S head, falling gory on the floor of the House, may gently, from mere force of habit, roll in the direction of Queen Anne's Gate."
"For a real sanguinary-minded man," said RITCHIE, to whom I told this story, "give me a teetotaller."
OLD MORALITY might have moved Closure at twelve minutes to seven, and carried Clause 3. Committee naturally expected he would. But OLD MORALITY had another card up his sleeve. At very last moment, whilst Members trooped out, and it was thought all was over, OLD MORALITY gave notice of motion to take the whole time of House, including Tuesday and Friday nights' evening sittings.
"I think you had them there," I said, as we walked across to Grosvenor Place.
"Yes, TOBY," he said, a little flush mantling his modest face; "we've given them rope enough, and now we'll hang them. They've had their run, now we'll take ours. It's the main thing I always look to. Never forget when I was still in the seminary writing out copy of verses about a shipwreck. A graphic scene; the riven vessel, the raging seas, the panic-stricken crowd on deck, and then this little self-drawn picture of the sole survivor, the one man left to tell the story:
Some fell upon their bended knees And others fell down fainting, But I fell to on bread and cheese; For that, Sir, was the main thing.
It's the bread and cheese I look to, TOBY, dear boy. For others the glory of debate, the prize of Parliamentary oratory. Give me the bread and cheese of seeing business advancing, and I'm content."
Pretty to see OLD MORALITY protesting against this unprecedented access of generosity. The very picture, as MCEWAN said, of a good man struggling with the adversity of overwhelming good fortune. Was prepared to take a Wednesday here and there: but, really, too much to appropriate everyone. "Not at all--not at all," said Mr. G.
But it was only under compulsion of a Division that he consented to accept the endowment. In meanwhile, the Woman's Suffrage Debate on Wednesday week snuffed out, and final opportunity of Session lost.
"I'm inclined," said WM. WOODALL, "as a rule, to take kindly views of my fellow men, to put the best construction upon their actions; but, upon my word, I'm not satisfied in my own mind that we advocates of Woman's Rights have not been made the victims of deep and dastardly design."
"MORE FREE THAN WELCOME."--MR. GOSCHEN'S Education Scheme, to the Tories.
A REGIMENT OF "THE LINE."--The Royal Academicians.
THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.
No. 82. Apparently this must have been intended for a portrait of the late Mr. DION BOUCICAULT, but subsequently adapted to represent WALTER GILBEY, Esq. Looks quite the GILBEY'S "fine, old, dry," but not "crusted." No doubt whatever of its being the excellent work of W Q ORCHARDSON, R.A.
No. 143. The Right Hon. A.J. BALFOUR, M.P., as seen by L. ALMA-TADEMA, R.A. Taken while considering
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