Read Ebook: You Never Can Tell by Shaw Bernard

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Ebook has 360 lines and 10282 words, and 8 pages

VALENTINE. Say no more! I haven't said anything. May I ask whom I have the pleasure of entertaining? It's really quite impossible for me to lunch at the Marine Hotel with two perfect strangers.

THE YOUNG LADY . Ooooh! what bosh! One patient in six weeks! What difference does it make to you?

PHILIP . No, Dolly: my knowledge of human nature confirms Mr. Valentine's judgment. He is right. Let me introduce Miss Dorothy Clandon, commonly called Dolly. I'm Philip Clandon. We're from Madeira, but perfectly respectable, so far.

VALENTINE. Clandon! Are you related to--

DOLLY . Yes, we are.

VALENTINE . I beg your pardon?

DOLLY. Oh, we are, we are. It's all over, Phil: they know all about us in England. Oh, you can't think how maddening it is to be related to a celebrated person, and never be valued anywhere for our own sakes.

VALENTINE. But excuse me: the gentleman I was thinking of is not celebrated.

DOLLY . Gentleman!

VALENTINE. Yes. I was going to ask whether you were by any chance a daughter of Mr. Densmore Clandon of Newbury Hall.

DOLLY . No.

PHILIP. Well come, Dolly: how do you know you're not?

DOLLY . Oh, I forgot. Of course. Perhaps I am.

VALENTINE. Don't you know?

PHILIP. Not in the least.

DOLLY. It's a wise child--

PHILIP . Sh! The fact is, Mr. Valentine, we are the children of the celebrated Mrs. Lanfrey Clandon, an authoress of great repute--in Madeira. No household is complete without her works. We came to England to get away from them. The are called the Twentieth Century Treatises.

DOLLY. Twentieth Century Cooking.

PHILIP. Twentieth Century Creeds.

DOLLY. Twentieth Century Clothing.

PHILIP. Twentieth Century Conduct.

DOLLY. Twentieth Century Children.

PHILIP. Twentieth Century Parents.

DOLLY. Cloth limp, half a dollar.

PHILIP. Or mounted on linen for hard family use, two dollars. No family should be without them. Read them, Mr. Valentine: they'll improve your mind.

DOLLY. But not till we've gone, please.

PHILIP. Quite so: we prefer people with unimproved minds. Our own minds are in that fresh and unspoiled condition.

VALENTINE . Hm!

DOLLY . Hm? Phil: he prefers people whose minds are improved.

PHILIP. In that case we shall have to introduce him to the other member of the family: the Woman of the Twentieth Century; our sister Gloria!

DOLLY . Nature's masterpiece!

PHILIP. Learning's daughter!

DOLLY. Madeira's pride!

PHILIP. Beauty's paragon!

DOLLY . Bosh! No complexion.

VALENTINE . May I have a word?

PHILIP . Excuse us. Go ahead.

DOLLY . So sorry.

VALENTINE . I really must give a hint to you young people--

DOLLY . Oh, come: I like that. How old are you?

PHILIP. Over thirty.

DOLLY. He's not.

PHILIP . He is.

DOLLY . Twenty-seven.

PHILIP . Thirty-three.

DOLLY. Stuff!

PHILIP . I appeal to you, Mr. Valentine.

VALENTINE . Well, really-- Thirty-one.

PHILIP . You were wrong.

DOLLY. So were you.

PHILIP . We're forgetting our manners, Dolly.

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