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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 104 February 18 1893 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor
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Ebook has 68 lines and 11256 words, and 2 pages
Editor: Francis Burnand
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
VOL. 104.
FEBRUARY 18, 1893.
PHANTASMA-GORE-IA!
It may be this--that the Villain base Has insulted the hero's girl; It may be this--that he's brought disgrace On a wretchedly-acted Earl. I care not which it may chance to be, Only this do I chance to know-- A cliff looks down at a canvas sea And some property rocks below!
You say, perhaps, it is only there From a love of the picturesque-- You hint, maybe, that it takes no share In the plot of this weird burlesque; But cliffs that tremble at every touch, And that flap in the dreadful draught, Have something better to do--ah, much! Than to criticise Nature's craft!
And now there comes to the Villain bold The unfortunate Villain Two. He's here to ask for the promised gold For the deeds he has had to do. But words run high, and a struggle strong Sends the cliff rocking to and fro, And Villain Two topples off ere long To the property rocks below!
The scene is changed. The revolving cliff Now exhibits its other side. The corpse is there, looking very stiff-- Even more than before it died! The crime is traced to the hero JACK, Notwithstanding the stupids know Deceased was thrown by the Villain black To the property rocks below!
RHYMES FOR READERS OF REMINISCENCES.
If the day's pitchy, Take up ANNE THACKERAY RITCHIE! If you're feeling "quisby-snitchy," Seek the fire--and read your RITCHIE! If your nerves are slack or twitchy, Quiet them with soothing RITCHIE. If you're dull as water ditchy, You'll be cheered by roseate RITCHIE. Be you achey, sore, chill, itchy, Rest you'll find in Mrs. RITCHIE! May her light ne'er shine with slacker ray, Gentle daughter of great THACKERAY!
"WORDS! WORDS! WORDS!"--The decision in "the Missing Words Competition" is, in effect, "No more words about it, but hand over the ?23,628 to the National Debt Commissioners." Advice this of STIRLING value.
You Fall, Eiffel!
A REAL "OPENING" FOR A SMART YOUNG MAN.--The settling, on rational grounds, of the great and much-muddled up "Sunday-Opening" Question.
CUE FOR THE CRITICS .--Pepper Mint!
IMPORTANT FINANCIAL QUESTION FOR ITALIANS.--Are the Banks of the Tiber secure?
ICHABOD!
Oh, gaily did we hasten to the London Institution, Expecting some amusement in our inartistic way, And little did we reckon on the awful retribution Which Mr. HENRY BLACKBURN had in store for us that day.
Thereafter he directed magisterial attention Upon the hapless authors who a fleeting fame had got; He drew no nice distinctions, nor selected some for mention, But, with superb simplicity, he just condemned the lot.
Every man of them is sinning with an ignorance persistent, Poet, novelist and critic, or whatever be their sphere, Their "individuality" is almost non-existent, And only on occasions, if at all, are they "sincere."
MR. PERKS, M.P., has undertaken to bring in a Bill for "the Abolition of Registrars at Nonconformist Marriages." If successful, the Ministers will lose their "Perks."
LUSUS NATURAE.
BLOODHOUND, 40-Tonner, for SALE; built by Fife of Fairlie; has all lead ballast, and very complete inventory.--For price, which is moderate, and particulars, apply, &c.
Most interesting canine specimen this. The Managers of the Zoological Gardens should at once apply, if by this time they have not already done so, and secured the "Forty-tonner Bloodhound," with complete inventory, "built by FIFE of Fairlie."
Nursery-Rhyme for the Neo-Crinolinists.
GIRLS and Matrons, who wins the day, Now WINTER and JEUNE have had their say? Come with a hoop to concert or ball, Come with balloon-skirts, or come not at all!
A Candid Friend.
What choice between the chaff of arid Rad And that of equally dry-and-dusty Tory? CHAPLIN would feed you on preposterous fad, And GARDNER on--postponement! The old story! While the grass grows the horse may starve. Poor ass! Party would bring you to a similar pass!
"A certain Mister JESSE COLLINGS" poses As your particular friend and patron. Quite so! JOSEPH and he cock their pugnacious noses At their old Chief, venting their zeal so. CODLIN--no, COLLINGS--is the friend. "Lard bless 'ee, Turn WILLYUM oop, and try JOSEPH and JESSE!"
POLITICS IN PLAY.
Yours obediently, GARRICK SHAKSPEARE SNOOKS.
MARY-ANNER ON THE COMING MODE.
Yours trooly, MARY-ANNER.
CUE FOR KENNINGTON .--"MARK--BEAUFOY!"
AN EXAMPLE OF A "SUSPENSORY BILL" would be a small account from your haberdasher's for a pair of braces.
THE MAN FROM BLANKLEY'S.
A STORY IN SCENES.
ANOTHER GENTLEMAN.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
WITH "THE OLD MASTERS."
Then quoth my companion, "Come to the BLAKE Collection." Ahem! Into the Black-and-White Room. Ugh!... "That way madness lies." No more to-day, thank you.
VALENTINE VERSES.
Do you like it? I wonder! Or think you it's stupid To send such a commonplace gift as a Purse? Do you sigh for the tinsel, and gauze, and the Cupid, And the wonderful sentiments written in verse? Well, suppose I had sent them. You'd murmur, "How pretty!" Then not see them again as you put them away. Shall I candidly tell you I thought 'twere a pity Just to send you a gift that would last for a day?
But consider the times and the seasons--how many! When a purse--something in it--will save you from fuss. When you're posting a letter , or a penny You may want for a paper, a tram, or a 'bus. When you've done with the purse, as you carefully lock it, And look with all proper precaution to see That the gold is still there, as it goes in your pocket, Let a thought or two, sweetheart, come straying to me.
I've explained as I could. Do you still go on sighing For the commoner Valentine--tinsel and gauze, With the pictures of wonderful cherubim flying In a reckless defiance of natural laws? If you do--well, forgive me. Don't think me unkind. You Know I'd not treat yourself in so heartless a style, And so let this gift, as you use it, remind you Of one whom you won, my dear, outright, with your smile.
SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT suggests that "Parish Councils will do everything for the distressed Agriculturists." Sir WILLIAM should advertise the remedy out of his Farmercopoeia--"Try Parish's Food for Agricultural Infants in distress."
PHILOSOPHIC Sages have generally been careless of their personal appearance. Soap and water has not been their strong point. The exception is DIOGENES, who was seldom out of his tub.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
"That's my speech," he said, showing me with melancholy smile quite a bundle of manuscript. "Worked at it all yesterday, instead of going to church. Read every Blue Book about Uganda; studied the map, and could pass an examination in the matter of its rivers and valleys, its hills and lakes, its various tribes, who are always murdering each other. Prince ARTHUR, you know, asked me to resume Debate at to-night's Sitting. Great opportunity; meant to make most of it; then, when I'm in my place conning my manuscript, Prince ARTHUR gives me up. Mr. G. reads text of PORTAL'S instructions, and shows we've nothing to complain about or to criticise. Rather hard on a young fellow not unduly given to speech-making. Tell you what, TOBY, if you've got three-quarters of an hour to spare, and will come with me into the Lobby, I'll read you my speech."
Much touched at this kindness. Unfortunately had an engagement which prevented my availing myself of it.
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