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Read Ebook: The New Pun Book by Brown Thomas A Compiler Carey T J Thomas Joseph Compiler
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Ebook has 1529 lines and 49192 words, and 31 pages
THE NEW PUN BOOK
COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM THE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITS
Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in all pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoice in punctiliousness in their language, contrive to improve its flavor and precision by exercise in these unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as with our Pundit's famous countryman Mr. Jaberjee, though they use the purest language, they can instantly express every shade of thought with grace and completeness without resorting to slang:--that ready cloak wherewith puny minds strive to cover their vulgarity and lack of culture.
BY T. B. AND T. C.
New York FRANK VERNON & CO. 103 Park Avenue
The New Pun Book
"He's a professional grafter."
"Who?"
"The nurseryman."
"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?"
"I don't know, what does he weigh?"
"Meat."
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though everyone wasn't wise to that."
"How are you to-day?"
"Oh, I can't kick."
"Thought you were ill."
"I am--I have the gout."
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?"
"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only my third!"
She--I had a bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere.
He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"
"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"
"I have another at home--Lena."
"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."
"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the worst of it."
"No?"
"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."
"You don't say so!"
"I do. She's a child nurse."
The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump! But got up with a happy smile, And to the young man said: "Please, sir, How many laps are to the mile?"
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races?
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs.
"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?"
"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make."
"Oh! are you in this line, too?"
"No. We make gunpowder."
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."
"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"
"Why, an Irishman, of course."
"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch?
She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.
"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a step-ladder."
"Did she give it to you?"
"No; but she gave me a stare."
"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her arm."
"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my trousers."
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before?
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken.
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