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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 146 April 1 1914 by Various Seaman Owen Editor
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Ebook has 153 lines and 13596 words, and 4 pages
Only once was there manifestation of general hearty assent. Forthcoming when the PREMIER warmly protested against "unfair and inconsiderate attempts, not made on one side only, to drag into the discussion the name of the KING."
"His Majesty," he added, amid burst of general cheering, "has from first to last observed every rule that comports with the dignity of the position of a constitutional sovereign."
CRUEL KINDNESS.
The Head glanced down over his spectacles. The boy stood strangely erect, and his face was brave though pale. A cane lay on the table. The master's eye was sterner than his heart. His hand reached for the cane, but he replaced it in a drawer, and for twenty minutes the listeners in the corridor vainly pricked their ears for the accustomed sounds.
"Well?" they inquired anxiously when the victim reappeared.
"He only jawed me," replied the small boy; and he wept.
"Maud darling, did you see my last massage?... Ada."
No, ADA, but she heard about it. Stick to it and you'll soon be down to twelve-stone-five again.
Gulielmo's casting vote cannot save them every time.
"On his motor-trip he never met any cat travelling either without lights after dusk or on the wrong side of the road."
Our dogs may well learn a lesson from this.
This sort has two stalks, of course.
THE ODD MAN.
Jones is a man who is too topsy-turvy; Nothing is quite as it should be with Jones, Angular just where he ought to be curvy, Padded with flesh where he ought to have bones.
Jones is a freak who attends to the labours, Small and domestic, that make up the home: Pays all the calls and leaves cards on the neighbours, Leaving his wife to be lazy at home.
Does up her dresses without saying, "Blow it"; Pays and forgets to say "Bother" or "Biff"; Asks her to scatter the money and go it, Beams at her bills when the totals are stiff.
As for his daughters, he gives them their chances, Rushes them round to reception and f?te; Takes them himself to their concerts and dances; Always looks pleased when they want to stay late.
Then he has meals which would make you grow thinner, Often absorbing with infinite glee Sponge-cakes at breakfast and crumpets at dinner, Whitstable oysters at five o'clock tea.
Next he loves laughter: that is, to be laughed at-- Every way's right for the man to be rubbed; Grins when he's sneered at and jeered at and chaffed at; Wriggles with pleasure whenever he's snubbed.
Fiction, in short, in a million disguises Never created a crankier clod, More unaccountably made of surprises, More topsy-turvily fashioned and odd.
CARPET SALES.
A POLITICAL CORRESPONDENCE.
SIR,--It has been brought to my notice that at a meeting you addressed recently in your constituency you referred to me, and in the course of your remarks you said that I had employed in the House of Commons the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling." May I ask you for your authority for this statement? I can only hope that your reply will avoid any ambiguity, and for your further enlightenment I may inform you that I am annoyed.
I am sure I am acting as you would wish me to do in sending a copy of this letter to the Press.
Yours faithfully, N. Y. Z THOMSON-THOMSON.
A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
I am sending a copy, of this letter to the Press, as your reply will doubtless be irrelevant.
Yours faithfully, A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
Yours truly, N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
SIR,--My Secretary was much pained at your last letter. He has informed me of its contents. I can only say that I am surprised that a statesman of your undoubted ability should exhibit such peculiar controversial methods.
The circumstances are not new. In 1911, in the House of Commons, I find that I formulated the same opinion of you in substantially the same words, yet no objection was then raised by you nor could any objection have been so raised.
Since your election your attitude on every question has been deplorable, and although I am of the opposite party I may say that in this view I am in no sense actuated by party feeling. This is a matter too serious for the bitterness of partisanship.
I repeat that in my opinion you have frequently employed the blustering artifice of a rhetorical hireling.
Unless I hear from you within half-an-hour I shall send a copy of this letter to the Press.
Yours faithfully, A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
P.S.--Could you oblige me by letting me know who was the originator of the phrase?
N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
SIR,--You have totally failed to substantiate the serious charges you made against me, and I am sorry, for the sweetness of political life, that you have not had the courage or the fairness to withdraw them.
I am glad that we have been able to conduct this correspondence on the courteous lines which have ever characterised our public careers.
I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
Yours faithfully, N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
SIR,--I have nothing to add to my last letter.
Yours truly, A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
P.S.--I purpose sending a copy of this letter to the Press.
N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
Some idea of last week's Parliamentary crisis may be gathered from the following poster:--
Our neighbours across the water were too busy with their own troubles to respond. Much better have sent for Germans. Their arrival might have pulled us together.
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