Read Ebook: The Works of Rudyard Kipling: One Volume Edition by Kipling Rudyard

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Ebook has 5901 lines and 318011 words, and 119 pages

How he disendowed the Jail--stopped at once the City drain; Turned to beauty fair and frail--got his senses back again; Doubled taxes, cesses, all; cleared away each new-built thana; Turned the two-lakh Hospital into a superb Zenana;

Heaped upon the Bukhshi Sahib wealth and honors manifold; Clad himself in Eastern garb--squeezed his people as of old.

Happy, happy Kolazai! Never more will Rustum Beg Play to catch the Viceroy's eye. He prefers the "simpkin" peg.

THE STORY OF URIAH

"Now there were two men in one city; the one rich and the other poor."

Jack Barrett went to Quetta Because they told him to. He left his wife at Simla On three-fourths his monthly screw: Jack Barrett died at Quetta Ere the next month's pay he drew.

Jack Barrett went to Quetta. He didn't understand The reason of his transfer From the pleasant mountain-land: The season was September, And it killed him out of hand.

Jack Barrett went to Quetta, And there gave up the ghost, Attempting two men's duty In that very healthy post; And Mrs. Barrett mourned for him Five lively months at most.

Jack Barrett's bones at Quetta Enjoy profound repose; But I shouldn't be astonished If now his spirit knows The reason of his transfer From the Himalayan snows.

And, when the Last Great Bugle Call Adown the Hurnal throbs, When the last grim joke is entered In the big black Book of Jobs, And Quetta graveyards give again Their victims to the air, I shouldn't like to be the man Who sent Jack Barrett there.

THE POST THAT FITTED

Though tangled and twisted the course of true love This ditty explains, No tangle's so tangled it cannot improve If the Lover has brains.

Ere the steamer bore him Eastward, Sleary was engaged to marry An attractive girl at Tunbridge, whom he called "my little Carrie."

Sleary's pay was very modest; Sleary was the other way. Who can cook a two-plate dinner on eight poor rupees a day?

Long he pondered o'er the question in his scantly furnished quarters-- Then proposed to Minnie Boffkin, eldest of Judge Boffkin's daughters.

Certainly an impecunious Subaltern was not a catch, But the Boffkins knew that Minnie mightn't make another match.

So they recognised the business and, to feed and clothe the bride, Got him made a Something Something somewhere on the Bombay side.

Anyhow, the billet carried pay enough for him to marry-- As the artless Sleary put it:--"Just the thing for me and Carrie."

Did he, therefore, jilt Miss Boffkin--impulse of a baser mind? No! He started epileptic fits of an appalling kind.

Frequently in public places his affliction used to smite Sleary with distressing vigour--always in the Boffkins' sight.

Ere a week was over Minnie weepingly returned his ring, Told him his "unhappy weakness" stopped all thought of marrying.

Sleary bore the information with a chastened holy joy,-- Epileptic fits don't matter in Political employ,-- Wired three short words to Carrie--took his ticket, packed his kit-- Bade farewell to Minnie Boffkin in one last, long, lingering fit.

Four weeks later, Carrie Sleary read--and laughed until she wept-- Mrs. Boffkin's warning letter on the "wretched epilept."...

Year by year, in pious patience, vengeful Mrs. Boffkin sits Waiting for the Sleary babies to develop Sleary's fits.

PUBLIC WASTE

Now Exeter Battleby Tring had laboured from boyhood to eld On the Lines of the East and the West, and eke of the North and South; Many Lines had he built and surveyed--important the posts which he held; And the Lords of the Iron Horse were dumb when he opened his mouth.

Black as the raven his garb, and his heresies jettier still-- Hinting that Railways required lifetimes of study and knowledge-- Never clanked sword by his side--Vauban he knew not nor drill-- Nor was his name on the list of the men who had passed through the "College."

Wherefore the Little Tin Gods harried their little tin souls, Seeing he came not from Chatham, jingled no spurs at his heels, Knowing that, nevertheless, was he first on the Government rolls For the billet of "Railway Instructor to Little Tin Gods on Wheels."

Letters not seldom they wrote him, "having the honour to state," It would be better for all men if he were laid on the shelf. Much would accrue to his bank-book, an he consented to wait Until the Little Tin Gods built him a berth for himself,

"Special, well paid, and exempt from the Law of the Fifty and Five, Even to Ninety and Nine"--these were the terms of the pact: Thus did the Little Tin Gods Silence his mouth with rupees, keeping their Circle intact;

Appointing a Colonel from Chatham who managed the Bhamo State Line , So Exeter Battleby Tring consented his claims to resign, And died, on four thousand a month, in the ninetieth year of his age!

DELILAH

We have another viceroy now,--those days are dead and done Of Delilah Aberyswith and depraved Ulysses Gunne.

Delilah Aberyswith was a lady--not too young-- With a perfect taste in dresses and a badly-bitted tongue, With a thirst for information, and a greater thirst for praise, And a little house in Simla in the Prehistoric Days.

She patronized extensively a man, Ulysses Gunne, Whose mode of earning money was a low and shameful one. He wrote for certain papers, which, as everybody knows, Is worse than serving in a shop or scaring off the crows.

He praised her "queenly beauty" first; and, later on, he hinted At the "vastness of her intellect" with compliment unstinted. He went with her a-riding, and his love for her was such That he lent her all his horses and--she galled them very much.

One day, THEY brewed a secret of a fine financial sort; It related to Appointments, to a Man and a Report. 'Twas almost worth the keeping,--only seven people knew it-- And Gunne rose up to seek the truth and patiently pursue it.

It was a Viceroy's Secret, but--perhaps the wine was red-- Perhaps an Aged Councillor had lost his aged head-- Perhaps Delilah's eyes were bright--Delilah's whispers sweet-- The Aged Member told her what 'twere treason to repeat.

Ulysses went a-riding, and they talked of love and flowers; Ulysses went a-calling, and he called for several hours; Ulysses went a-waltzing, and Delilah helped him dance-- Ulysses let the waltzes go, and waited for his chance.

The summer sun was setting, and the summer air was still, The couple went a-walking in the shade of Summer Hill. The wasteful sunset faded out in Turkish-green and gold, Ulysses pleaded softly, and-- that bad Delilah told!

We have another Viceroy now, those days are dead and done-- Of Delilah Aberyswith and most mean Ulysses Gunne!

WHAT HAPPENED

Hurree Chunder Mookerjee, pride of Bow Bazaar, Owner of a native press, "Barrishter-at-Lar," Waited on the Government with a claim to wear Sabres by the bucketful, rifles by the pair.

Then the Indian Government winked a wicked wink, Said to Chunder Mookerjee: "Stick to pen and ink. They are safer implements, but, if you insist, We will let you carry arms wheresoe'er you list."

Hurree Chunder Mookerjee sought the gunsmith and Bought the tubes of Lancaster, Ballard, Dean, and Bland, Bought a shiny bowie-knife, bought a town-made sword, Jingled like a carriage-horse when he went abroad.

But the Indian Government, always keen to please, Also gave permission to horrid men like these-- Yar Mahommed Yusufzai, down to kill or steal, Chimbu Singh from Bikaneer, Tantia the Bhil;

Killar Khan the Marri chief, Jowar Singh the Sikh, Nubbee Baksh Punjabi Jat, Abdul Huq Rafiq-- He was a Wahabi; last, little Boh Hla-oo Took advantage of the Act--took a Snider too.

They were unenlightened men, Ballard knew them not. They procured their swords and guns chiefly on the spot; And the lore of centuries, plus a hundred fights, Made them slow to disregard one another's rights.

With a unanimity dear to patriot hearts All those hairy gentlemen out of foreign parts Said: "The good old days are back--let us go to war!" Swaggered down the Grand Trunk Road into Bow Bazaar,

Nubbee Baksh Punjabi Jat found a hide-bound flail; Chimbu Singh from Bikaneer oiled his Tonk jezail; Yar Mahommed Yusufzai spat and grinned with glee As he ground the butcher-knife of the Khyberee.

Jowar Singh the Sikh procured sabre, quoit, and mace, Abdul Huq, Wahabi, jerked his dagger from its place, While amid the jungle-grass danced and grinned and jabbered Little Boh Hla-oo and cleared his dah-blade from the scabbard.

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