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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 147 September 2nd 1914 by Various Seaman Owen Editor
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Ebook has 223 lines and 16025 words, and 5 pages
"Splendid! I had no idea it was used in the Force."
"Eight turn--left turn--about turn--form fours--and so on?"
"I beg your pardon," I said, "but what did you call that?"
"Squad drill, Sir."
"There will, of course, be others," replied the Inspector. "You'll soon pick it up. And please state at what hours of the day you would be prepared to take duty."
"Well," I said, "I've practically nothing to do from the time I get up--half-past ten--until mid-day. I could also manage to spare half-an-hour between afternoon-tea and dinner. And I could just drop in here about eleven at night to see if things were going along all right. Now, if you'll kindly fetch me a bull's-eye lantern, a life-preserver, a bullet-proof tunic, some indiarubber boots, a revolver, and a letter of introduction to some of the most skilful cooks in the neighbourhood I can put in one crowded hour of joyous life before I'm due on the links."
"Just a moment," said the Inspector. "I don't want to discourage you, but kindly cast your eye over these paragraphs;" and he handed me a printed circular. "You will see that it will be necessary for you to perform four consecutive hours' duty."
"Good heavens," I exclaimed, "I don't think I shall be able to manage that. I'm in the middle of an important jig-saw; I'm expecting a new motor-car to arrive any minute; and I have a slight head-cold. However, if my country calls me, I will see what can be arranged."
I noticed the Inspector's look of admiration at my bull-dog resolution, so to hide my blushes I perused the circular.
"I see," I said, "that we are each supplied with 'one armlet.' What's an armlet?".
"A badge that goes round your arm."
"Of course! How stupid of me! Just like a bracelet goes round one's--no, that won't do. Just like a gimlet goes--no, that doesn't either. I can't think of a simile, but I quite understand. Then we have 'one whistle.' What's that for? To whistle on if I feel lonely?"
"To summon assistance if you should require it."
"I have an idea that my whistle will be overworked. Shall I be able to get a new one when the original's worn out?"
The Inspector thought there would be no difficulty in my getting rewhistled.
"'One truncheon,'" I continued. "That, of course, is to trunch with. One truncheon, though, seems rather niggardly. I should prefer two, one in each hand. 'One note-book'--is that for autographs and original contributions from my brother Specials?"
"For noting names and addresses and details of cases," explained the Inspector. "For instance, if, when on duty, you saw Jack Johnson committing a breach of the peace you would--"
"Blow my whistle hard--"
"Certainly not. You would take his name and address and note it down."
"And if he refused it I could then whistle for help?"
"No, you would at once arrest him."
"What's the earliest possible moment at which it would be etiquette to blow my whistle?"
"When he offered resistance. Then you could whistle."
"Not a happy one?" put in the Inspector.
"I was going to say a policeman's lot is a lot too much. Would you kindly cross my name off your list?"
"I crossed it off some minutes ago," replied the Inspector.
THE WATCH DOGS.
DEAR CHARLES,--Another letter from the back of the front for you. You will be glad to hear that your Terrier is settling down in his temporary kennel and sharpening his teeth in due course. The time will come when you may look your gift dog in the mouth and be not disappointed, we hope, by the view.
It is quite refreshing to step, over a hundred strong, into a village with no pre-arranged scheme of board and lodging. Like every other wanderer in a strange part, we turn first to the policeman. We march towards him at attention; we call a halt at the base of his feet, and then, with the courtesy of the gentleman and the brevity of the soldier, we inform him that we have arrived. The next development is up to him.
It is not to him, however, that we owe our temporary rest. It is to that irrepressible and indefatigable unit, the Boy Scout. Charles, I believe we'd all be lying out in the rain at this moment but for that assistance. The equipment of the Boy Scout on billeting duty consists of a piece of white chalk and a menacing demeanour. Thus armed, he knocks at every likely door, wishes the householder a good morning and registers on the door-frame the number of men that may be left till called for within, even while the policeman is still endeavouring to explain the international situation and the military exigencies to the slow-thinking rustic. Many formidable obstacles lie in our path, we know, but we are comforted by the thought that the Boy Scout isn't one of them. If, in the next generation, Britain continues to exist as a nation and not as a dep?t for the training of waiters in the Berlin restaurants, then indeed we shall have something to rely on in these adaptable young fellows.
The host upon whom we officers were thrust was quite polite as long as our Boy Scout stood by, but, left to himself, turned out crusty. He was rather too old to turn into the perfect hotel proprietor all in a minute, and, as he put it, "he couldn't see his way" to do this and that for us. He was prepared to do all he had to do, but no more. Unfortunately we were not as well up in the regulations as our youthful and now departed protector. So we went out and did a bit of billeting on our own. It is an odd experience, this knocking at somebody's door and, upon being asked what one has come for, answering, "To stay." For ourselves we thought that the Rector would be a good man to experiment on. These parsons are used to being victimised and are known not to be too harsh upon the delinquent. So off we went to the Rectory, significantly handling our hilts and twirling our military stubbles. But the essence of war is surprise, and it was the Rector's wife who confronted our attack.
I said, upon enquiry, that I couldn't say what we wanted but placed myself unreservedly in my colleague's hands. I then took a pace to the rear and prepared to retire in good order. Robertson's whole efforts were concentrated on refraining from taking off his cap, as behoves a gentleman, but not an officer, and the Rector's wife remained amiable but on the defensive. Charles, our position was a hopeless one and our careers had concluded then and there but for the arrival of the ally. Boy Scouts are as tactful as they are forgiving; he accepted our explanation and apology to himself and he explained for us and apologised to the Rector's wife. It was little he had to say, for never was a less reluctant and more efficient billettee. This kind lady has not only made our sojourn one long series of simple luxuries, she has been through the whole of our kit and washed and repaired the lot. Think what you may about the Church when you are a civilian in affluence, but when you are a soldier in distress turn to it first for succour.
Lastly, a minor incident of a regretable nature. Halting on the march yesterday for our transport to catch up I discovered one of our dusty thirsty warriors having made his illegal entrance into a public-house by an emergency door. There he stood with a glisten in his eyes and his hand just about to grasp the pewter pot! Out he went under sentence of death by slow torture, and there was I left, with a thirst such as I have never before believed to be possible, alone with a pewter pot, with the foam just brimming over the top ... alone, unseen, undiscoverable ...
Your fallen Friend, HENRY.
LITERARY GOSSIP.
The Autumn publishing season will undoubtedly be affected by the war, several firms having decided to withhold most of their forthcoming books. Messrs. Odder and Thynne, however, being convinced that the reading public cannot subsist entirely on newspapers, have with great public spirit resolved to publish their full programme, which is unusually full of works of interest.
PERHAPS.
Of wolves that wear sheep's clothing The world has long been full, But I've a special loathing For one in Berlin wool.
Although the wool may cover Not more than half the beast, Perhaps when all is over He'll be entirely fleeced.
W. W.
"MAGNIFICENT BEQUEST TO THE LOUVRE. Sunspot Visible to the Naked Eye."
France seems to have acquired Germany's spot in the sun.
REASONING IN THE RANKS.
"Now I want any of you who are puzzled about anything to ask questions about it," said the instructing sergeant-major ... and anon:
"Excuse me," interrupted Number 3, "but why do you say that there is no such thing as left about turn?"
"Because there isn't," said the sergeant-major unsympathetically.
"But, my good man," urged Number 3, "there must be. I've just done it. Why, look here!"
He did it again.
"Such a movement is not in the drill-book," said the sergeant-major curtly.
The sergeant-major considered.
"Because right's right, and that's all there is to it," said the sergeant-major, who was tiring of the argument.
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