Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 147 November 11 1914 by Various

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PUNCH,

VOL. 147.

NOVEMBER 11, 1914.

CHARIVARIA.

The Crown Prince RUPPRECHT of Bavaria, in an order to his troops last week, referred to the British in the following words:--"Here is the enemy which chiefly blocks the way in the direction of restoration of peace." Conceive a "contemptible little army" being able to do that! It makes one wonder whether the first epithet was perhaps a misprint for "contemptuous."

The Germans are now calling the Allies a Menagerie, though curiously enough it is the others who have a Turkey waddling after them.

"GERMANS MOWED DOWN FRENCH MARINES' BIG FEET."

This is really a most unfortunate misprint, for it is just this kind of carping statement that leads the Germans to say we are falling out with our Allies.

There is much speculation as to whether there is German blackmail behind the announcement that the maximum period of quarantine for imported dogs has been reduced from six months to four.

The only animals left alive in the Antwerp Zoo are reported to be the elephants, which are now being used for military traction purposes. Later on it is proposed by the Germans to drive them into the lines of the Indian troops with a view to making the latter home-sick.

Happening to meet a music-hall acquaintance we asked him how he thought the war was going, and he replied, "Oh, I think the managers will have to give in."

America is evidently attempting to attract some of the devotees of winter sports who usually go to Switzerland. Another landslide on the Panama Canal is now announced.

The municipality of Berlin has decided to substitute for the existing designations of some of the principal streets in that city the names of "German generals who have become famous during the present war." This, however, will not involve many alterations.

Orders have been issued by the Federal Council of the German Empire that no bread other than that containing from 5 to 20 per cent. of potato flour will be allowed to be baked. Such bread is to be sold under the name of "K" bread. At first this was taken to be a graceful tribute to Lord KITCHENER, but it is now officially stated that "K" stands for the German for potatoes.

There is one quality that no one can with justice deny to the Germans, and that is thoroughness. The other day, having laid a mine, they seem to have used one of their own cruisers to test its destructive power.

FAMOUS TOWN CAPTURED BY GERMANS.

"In the south of Ypres we have lost some points, D'Appui, Hollebeke, and Landvoorde."

If your map doesn't give D'Appui, buy a more expensive one.

"Capstan Hands.--First-class Men, used to chucking work, for motor vehicle parts."

They ought to be easy enough to get.

"Guardsmen again provided a dramatic element in the trial by guarding the prisoner and the door which fixed bayonets."

You should see our arm-chair give the salute.

TO THE SHIRKER: A LAST APPEAL.

Now of your free choice, while the chance is yours To share their glory who have gladly died Shielding the honour of our island shores And that fair heritage of starry pride,-- Now, ere another evening's shadow falls, Come, for the trumpet calls.

What if to-morrow through the land there runs This message for an everlasting stain?-- "England expected each of all her sons To do his duty--but she looked in vain; Now she demands, by order sharp and swift, What should have been a gift."

And, losing your free choice, you also lose Your right to rank, on Memory's shining scrolls, With those, your comrades, who made haste to choose The willing service asked of loyal souls; From all who gave such tribute of the heart Your name will stand apart.

I think you cannot know what meed of shame Shall be their certain portion who pursue Pleasure "as usual" while their country's claim Is answered only by the gallant few. Come, then, betimes, and on her altar lay Your sacrifice to-day!

O. S.

UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.

Sire,--You will pardon me, I know, if for a moment I break in upon the serious occupations and meditations in which your time must be spent. I like to picture you to myself in the midst of your Staff, working out for them and your armies great problems of strategy and devising those movements which, so far, have overwhelmed not your foes so much as the minds of your fellow-countrymen. You too, Sire, sanguine and impetuous as is your nature, are no doubt beginning to realise that a great nation--let us say France, for example--is not to be overcome by mere shouting and the waving of sabres, or by the making of impassioned speeches in which God, having been acclaimed as an ally, is encouraged to perform miracles for the benefit of the Prussian arms. I do not deny that your soldiers are brave and that your armies are well equipped; but our Frenchmen too have guns and bayonets and swords and shells and know how to make use of them, and their portion of courage is no smaller than that of the Prussians, or even of the Bavarians whom you have lately been vaunting. Moreover--and this you had perhaps over-looked--they have something which is deadlier and more enduring than shot and shell and steel--the unconquerable spirit which leaps up in the hearts of men who are gathered to defend their country from invasion and their national existence from destruction.

Oh, Sire, how little you have understood France and her people; how little you have understood the minds and motives of men! "France," your Professors and your Generals told you, "is degenerate; her population is smaller than ours; she has lost her skill in fighting and her courage; she has no culture, never having heard of TREITSCHKE and having neglected the inspired writings of NIETZSCHE; she will be an easy prey, for no one will lift a hand to help her. England is lapped in ease behind her ocean and will never fight again; Russia is distant and slow, and we can despise her; Belgium will never dare to deny us anything we care to ask. Let us make haste, then, and crush France to the earth for ever." So you planned, and your legions set out to trample us down, with the result that is now before the eyes of the world.

Agree, Sire, the expression of my distinguished consideration.

RAYMOND POINCAR?.

THE IRON CROSS.

In former ferocious and barbarous times, The thief was hung up on the cross for his crimes, But Culture to savages offers relief-- The cross is now hung on the breast of the thief.

The italics ought to make it a lot darker.

Gifts of money for the purchase of blankets are being made in Germany not less than here, and we understand that a large sum has been sent out to South Africa addressed: "De Wet Blanket Fund."

THE KAISER . "LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS TO EXPLODE."

THE MISUSED TALENT.

Augustus! ever prone at eve to gurgle a Melodious distych from the music-halls, Piping in summer from beneath a pergola, Piping to-day behind these party-walls, Three months ago and more, when Mars had thrust us In doubt and dread alarm and cannons' mist, I found one solace, for I mused, "Augustus Will probably enlist.

"I know not what his dreams of glory may be, I know not if his heart is full of grit, But I do know that he disturbs the baby, And, judging by his lungs, he must be fit; His is the frame, or else I've never seen one, His are the fitting years to fight and roam, He has no ties To tether him to home.

"When he returns he'll possibly be sager; If not We shall be thrilled to hear the sergeant-major Singing the good old songs he loved again; Bellona, too, has something of the witch in her; It may be he will learn more tact and grace When that mild tenor has been turned by KITCHENER Into a throaty bass."

Thus jestingly I dreamed. And now, Caruso, You have not budged one inch upon the road; While half the lads have got their khaki trousseau, You still retain that voice and nut-like mode; Peace holds you with the tightness of a grapnel, And, still adhering to her ample hem, You enfilade us with your tuney shrapnel From 9 to 12 P.M.

So here's my ultimatum. Though it loosens The kindly bonds that neighbours ought to keep, I'll take a summons out to curb the nuisance Unless you stop it. Can I laugh or weep For those who fling their challenge at the blighting gale, Who smile to hear the cannon's murderous croon, When you go on like a confounded nightingale Under a fat-faced moon?

EVOE.

"No Reuter received since 8.30 a.m."

TOMMY BROWN, PATRIOT.

Tommy Brown has already been in disgrace, although it is only a fortnight since he wrote the famous patriotic essay which determined Mr. Smith, his Form-master, to go to the Front. You see, Miss Price, who is deputising for Mr. Smith, does not like lizards, and has an especial aversion to white rats, whereas Tommy is very fond of these and other dumb animals.

So Tommy was reported to the Headmaster. At first the Headmaster thought that the application of "somewhat severe measures, my boy," would meet the case; but whoever heard of caning a curly-headed boy with blue eyes and an ink-stain on both lips? The interview took place in the Headmaster's study. To the question, "What do you mean, Sir, by bringing lizards and white rats to school?" Tommy said, "Yes, Sir," and then, after thinking for fully three seconds, he said he had a ferret at home, and did the Headmaster know how to hold a ferret so that it couldn't bite you?

Tortoises, the Headmaster learnt, had a way of getting lost among the cabbages, but, if you wanted to prevent them from straying, all you had to do was to turn them over on their backs and put a piece of brown paper over them for their feet to play with. Also they were stuck fast in their shells, because Tommy had tried. A boy had told Tommy that tortoises laid eggs, but although Tommy had showed his tortoise a hen's egg and then put the tortoise in a nice new nest the tortoise had taken no step in the matter.

However, Tommy promised never to bring any more animals to school and to express his sorrow to Miss Price. And he was richer by sixpence when the interview closed.

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