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Read Ebook: The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun; containing a collection of over one thousand of the most laughable sayings and jokes of celebrated wits and humorists. by Various
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Ebook has 1888 lines and 77992 words, and 38 pages
THE
BOOK OF ANECDOTES,
AND
BUDGET OF FUN;
CONTAINING
A COLLECTION OF OVER
ONE THOUSAND
OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES OF CELEBRATED WITS AND HUMORISTS.
PHILADELPHIA: GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER, NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET. 1860.
Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by G. G. EVANS in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
PREFACE
NOTHING is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of the human system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable and important sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes has been made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not to inquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it were really funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the test question. If the answer was "Yes," then it was accepted. If "No," then it was rejected.
Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, of course, out of the question.
BOOK OF ANECDOTES,
AND
BUDGET OF FUN
LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN.
A DISCLAIMER.
A CONSIDERATE DARKIE.
OCULAR DEMONSTRATION.
"Wa'al," said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just take the candle and see?"
A SUFFICIENT REASON.
INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS.
"BRING in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of a household growing impatient. "There they are," replied the Irish cook proudly. "It took me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all the nasty insides into the strate."
YANKEE THRIFT.
QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissolute island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to the inhabitants."
SAFE MAN.
A POOR son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricious hunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for," said he, "the last one died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense."
"Ah! your honour," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Then you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niver died in the employ of any master I iver sarved."
A PAIR OF HUSBANDS.
A COUNTRY editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr. Husband to the lady of his choice:
"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's a husband, and so is the wife."
ART CRITICISM.
AT a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regarding with much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Luther at the Diet of Worms." Having descanted at some length upon its merits, the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are the worms?"
CUTTING A SWELL.
TALLEYRAND.
TO a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter of condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the lady had married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah, madame!"
THAT'S NOTHING.
A MAN, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously: "Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive he would be one hundred and fifty years old."
LARGE POCKET-BOOK.
THE most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by a coroner's jury in Iowa, thus:--"We find the deceased came to his death by a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find upon the body a pocket-book containing , a check on Fletcher's Bank for 0, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers."
DEGRADATION.
WE once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over. "It isn't the accident," said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing, but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad."
DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL.
A NEW ORLEANS paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his ears so far back, that he can't hear himself squeal.
DR. PARR.
DR. PARR had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, in Lincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolled down his cheeks.
One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal," Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he might have been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman; he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican, but he might have been an apostate."
GOOD.
DURING a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the monotony of the proceedings:
Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:
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