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Read Ebook: The Purple Cow! by Burgess Gelett
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Ebook has 38 lines and 5797 words, and 1 pages
telegraft back For a load o' candy to block the track!" An' when they sent it, she piled it high With chocolate caramels, good ones,--My! Peppermint drops and cocoanut cream, Till it looked too good for a Christmas dream! And the sun it melted and finished the job Into one great elegant sticky gob! So the train run into it lickety-split, An' the cow-catcher stuck, when the engine hit,-- An' the tail o' the train flew up and threw Them children into that caramel goo! They fell clear in,--way over their head, But Ann eat 'em out, an' sent 'em to bed!
There is a Theory some deny, That Lamp Posts once were three foot high, And a Little Boy was terrible strong, And he stretched 'em out to 'leven foot long!
I picked some Leaves from off a Tree, And then I nearly Fainted: For somehow it Astonished me To find they'd All been Painted!
I never saw a PURPLE COW, I never HOPE to see one; But I can tell you, anyhow, I'd rather SEE than BE one!
My House is made of Graham Bread, Except the ceiling 's made of White; Of Angel Cake I make my Bed; I eat my Pillow every night!
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes; I'd rather have Ears than a Nose; And as for my Hair, I'm glad it's all there, I'll be awfully sad when it goes!
Now you are what I call a GOOP! A Co-tangent harmonious Loop You appear to be facing due South But O what have you done with your Mouth?
Many People seem to Think Plaster o' Paris good to Drink: Though conducive unto Quiet I prefer another Diet!
THE:FLYING:HOUSE
Written and Illustrated by GELETT:BURGESS
O Willie an' Wallie, you better believe, They had a circus on Christmas Eve With Huldy Ann an' Pinkie Jane-- The folks imagined they'd went insane! Them twins had an awfully narrow shave-- They nearly was killt, for they wouldn't behave! Huldy's a winner! She hatched the scheme On the day before Christmas; an' that there team-- That Willie an' Wallie--they worked like mad-- You've no idea what a time they had! 'Twas the day before Christmas, at half-past three, When Huldy she up an' she says, says she: "You Willie an' Wallie, you go in the yard An' get that windmill--it won't be hard-- An' bring it an' put it on top of the house, An' don't make no more noise than a mouse! 'For I know something I won't tell, Nine little niggers in a peanut shell!'" Well, the twins they knew when she said that, Huldy wa' n't talkin' much through her hat. So they worked an' they tugged for more 'n an hour, 'Till they got that windmill off'n the tower; An' they hauled it up to the roof with ropes, Way on the ridgepole, 'tween the slopes.
They was almost dead, it tired 'em so, An' Will druv a splinter into his toe! An' all this time both Pinkie Jane An' Huldy was workin' with might an' main, A-shuttin' the doors, an' the windows too, An' stoppin' up cracks where the leaks come through. An' when it was tight, she slipped inside An' turned the gas on good an' wide! An' she screamed, "Look out that you don't get smothered: Climb up on the roof where I won't be bothered!"
When the house filled up with the gas inside, It trembled an' jiggled from side to side; An' when the gas filled it good an' full The ole foundations began to pull; Then Huldy she pushed it a little mite, An' the house riz up in the air all right! An' it riz an' riz like a ole balloon. An' Ann got aboard of it none too soon; For it flew away off up into the sky With her holdin' on by her hands--Oh my! But she clum on top, an' you'd oughter have seen Them workin' that wheel like a flyin' machine! Well, after they'd flew an hour or so They came to a mountain all covered with snow, An' there on the top they happened to see A enermous great big Christmas tree! Then Huldy steered 'em over the top, An' they let down an anchor to make 'em stop; An' Willie an' Wallie they yelled with glee, An' jumped right into that Christmas tree! They let down a ladder for them two girls That didn't darst jump for spoilin' their curls! They was toys an' games an' wagons an' dolls, All trimmed with tinsel an' fol-de-rols! For Santa Claus had just drove away, An' Wallie he said that he seen the sleigh! Well, when they'd eat all the candy they could, They loaded their house with things up good. Then they got on the roof, an' they cut the string An' away they flew like everything!
The twins worked the wheel an' Huldy steered, An' Pinkie clung tight--she was awfully skeered: They got back home at half-past six, But, oh! they got into a nawful fix! For just as they sunk the house gave a lurch An' they landed right on top of a church! An' they punched a hole through the roof with the steeple, To the great amazement of all of the people! An' the toys fell out of that house in the air, An' all the children in the town was there. So every one got a present again 'Cept Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy an' Jane-- An' it served 'em right, don't you think? because They'd stolen the presents from Santa Clause.
Once there was a GIANT HORSE, That walked through all the Town, A-stepping into all the Roofs, And Smashing Houses down!
The Towel hangs upon the Wall, And, somehow, I don't care at all!
The Door is open;--I must say I rather fancy it that Way!
,llaW eht nopu sgnah lewoT ehT !lla ta erac t'nod I, wohemos,dnA
yas tsum I--;nepo si rooD ehT !yaW taht ti ycnaf rehtar I
Likkery had but one leg when I married him. I did not realize what this meant until he died.
of his wrong leg. So the collection increased.
In spite of all my precautions, Mr. Silk's shoes would often be left pointing toward the bed. How I suffered! At last Mr. Silk died. The day after the funeral, I made a procession of all the shoes--
ORDER: 1. Patent leathers 2. Brogans 3. Bluchers 4. Bluchers 5. Tan shoes 6. Slippers 7. Congresses 8. Riding boots 9. Pumps
Sixty-two right-foot shoes, ^ they reached from my bedroom to the stairs.
I was in despair when a small-footed man named Box proposed to me. I looked at his feet and accepted him.
As soon as he was asleep I approached his prostrate form .
Sixty-two soles inspired me. I struck the blow!--Then the HORROR of my deed seized me. The rest is too awful!
NOTE: I had cut off the wrong foot!
Left leg.
Fool that I was.
For he could get a pair at the same price as a single shoe.
Likkery wore No. 3's.
It is a common superstition among children that this encourages bad dreams.
Bay-window.
I was determined they should at last be worn out.
Ah, yes, I wrote the "Purple Cow"-- I'm Sorry, now, I wrote it; But I can tell you Anyhow I'll Kill you if you Quote it!
#The Lark Almanac for 1899:#
Being a collection of vagaries from THE LARK, with original designs by Porter Garnett; uniform in size with "The Purple Cow." Price, 50c.
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