Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 98 May 17 1890. by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

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Editor: Sir F. C. Burnand

PUNCH,

VOLUME 98.

MAY 17, 1890.

ALL IN PLAY.

ONE WHO HAS TAKEN A DOUBLE "FIRST."

A STIRRING POLE.--A more stirring pianist than PADEREWSKI, who played on Friday afternoon at St. James's Hall for the first time in England, has never been heard. The report that he is a Polonised Irishman needs confirmation. The name is suspicious. But there are no sound reasons for supposing that the first two syllables of PADEREWSKI'S name are simply a corruption of the Hibernian "Paddy."

MRS. R. wants to know if she can ascertain all about the Law of Libel, &c., in the works which she contemplates purchasing of WALTER SAVAGE SLANDOR.

OUR ADVERTISERS.

ROYAL QUARTPOTARIUM.--THE RENOWNED WORLD FASTING CHAMPION, who is dressed in a READY-MADE SUIT OF TWEED DITTOS supplied by Messrs. LEVI, SOLOMANS & CO., of 293, Houndsditch, and is

SEATED ON THE GENT'S EASY LOUNGE CHAIR, forming one of the articles of the highly-upholstered dining-room set by Messrs. GLUBBINS, KNICKERBOCKER & CO., of Tottenham Court Road, where at any hour he can be seen

SIPPING ALTERNATELY FROM TWO LARGE CUT-GLASS TUMBLERS, furnished by Messrs. WAGBITTER AND GROANS, of New Oxford Street,

BLINKER'S CONCENTRATED COD-LIVER EMULSION MELTED FATS , and

SPARKLING SINGULARIS WATER, bottled in nine-gallon flagons by the Company at their extensive works in the Isle of Dogs, with which, to the satisfaction of his friends, he succeeds in washing down, in turns, hourly,

SIDES, BREASTS, FORE-QUARTERS, SADDLES, AND ENTIRE WHOLE OR HALF-SHEEP OF PRIME BOLIVIAN MUTTON delivered daily by the Company's carts, from their own Refrigerators;

WINKER'S INVALID INFANT'S PICK-ME-UP CORDIAL--;

TINNED AMERICAN OYSTERS. FINE SELECTED THIRDS. Guaranteed by the Blue-Point Company, Wriggleville, Texas, U.S.A.; and

IN THE KNOW.--

There is nothing new about the Derby horses. I believe they are mostly in training, but I reserve my opinion until I see what the addle-pates who own them mean to do.

"A SELF-MADE MAN", said Mrs. R., thoughtfully, "is the artichoke of his own fortunes."

From the bears, apes, and foxes with which the thickets of the great forest of Societas abounded, it is but a step to the Pygmy tribes whom we found inhabiting the tract of country between the Uperten and the Suburban rivers. The Pygmies are as old as Swelldom, as ubiquitous as Boredom, the two secular pests of the earth. You will remember that Hercules once fell asleep in the deserts of Africa, after his conquest of Antaeus, and was disturbed in his well-earned rest by an attack of a large army of these troublesome Lilliputians, who, it is recorded, "discharged their arrows with great fury upon his arms and legs." The hero, it is added, "pleased with their courage, wrapped a great number of them in the skin of the Nemean lion, and carried them to Eurystheus."

I was not "pleased with their courage", but plagued with their importunities. HERODOTUS described the capture of five young explorers from Naasamoves while they were examining some curious trees in the Niger basin, and tells how the little men took them to their villages and showed them about to their fellow Pygmies. So, in a sense, the Pygmies of Societas "captured" me, and showed me about to their fellow denizens of this Land of Lilliput. They "discharged their arrows" at me in swarms, and though they rather tickled than hurt, yet after a time their minute but multiplied prickings became no end of a nuisance.

Let us pause a little, and pay such honour as is due for persistence and importunity to these "little people", who have outlived the wise men of Egypt, the prophets of Palestine, the magicians of Persia, and the sages of Greece and Rome. They have actually been able to hold their own from the days of HOMER, through those of HORACE, down even to those of HAGGARD. I have seen the wear and tear of the Pyramids of Egypt ; I can certify that the Sphynx presents a very battered appearance indeed , but the Pygmies of to-day in Societas appear to be as plentiful and as perky as those that thousands of years ago swarmed in AEthiopia, built their houses with egg-shells, made war upon the Cranes, and attacked the tired hero Hercules.

You will understand that I, who have always professed to love humanity, even in the form of mannikins, better than beetles and butterflies, was as much interested in these small creatures as was Hercules in the skinful of midgets he carried to the exacting Eurystheus. As I looked at them, and thought how these represented the oldest race on the globe--namely, the Inquisitive Quidnuncs--my admiration really went to greater lengths than scoffing cynics might have expected.

These Pygmies of Societas, though small, are cunning, and wise in their generation. For the most part they toil not, , neither do they spin . But they manage to live on the fat of the land. The larger aborigines are very industrious, and form the clearings and cultivate the various produce of the place. The Pygmies appear to be aware that the plantations and powers of the Whirkirs are practically inexhaustible, and to think that they have as much right to the produce as the aboriginal owners and tillers. Therefore, they cling tightly to these plantations, and make the larger and more laborious natives pay dearly for the honour of their acquaintance. In another manner they perform valuable service by setting fashions, receiving strangers, and assisting in the defence of the settlements; they also hunt game, and supply the larger natives with plenty to do in working for and waiting on them. It appeared to me that the Pygmies were regarded somewhat as parasites whose departure would be more welcome--to the aborigines--than their vicinity. But a race which has survived so much and so many things is not easily to be got rid of.

THE FIRST FIGHT.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

Never saw a scene to equal what took place to-night. When House met, good deal of talk about yesterday's Labour Demonstration. Everybody agreed it was enormous, unprecedented, momentous. The Working Man demands a day of eight hours' labour, and will see that he gets it. Still talking about the matter in whispers. Second Heading of Budget Bill under discussion; SHAW-LEFEVRE on legs, protesting against increased expenditure on Army and Navy. Undertakes to show it is absolutely unnecessary. Beginning his demonstration when hand of clock touched hour of Six. SPEAKER rose with cry of "Order! Order!" SHAW-LEFEVRE resumed seat; afraid he had, in exuberance of eloquence, committed some breach of order. Members crowded in to hear what SPEAKER had to say.

"This House," he said, as soon as silence restored, "will now adjourn. At least I must withdraw; and unless it can be shown that Deputy-Speaker has been in bed all day, or otherwise idling his time, you cannot go on. Under ordinary circumstances, House meeting at Three o'clock, we should have adjourned sharp at Eleven to-night; but the fact is, my day's work began at Ten this morning. That is a necessity of my position. With interval of hasty meals, I have been accustomed to work a maximum of twelve hours a day, often running up to fourteen. That, however, now over. Settled by Working Man that Labour Day should not exceed Eight Hours. We will, therefore, now break up. I daresay some of you Hon. Gentlemen, engaged at the Bar or in affairs in the City, commenced your work even earlier than Ten?"

"Sir", said OLD MORALITY, "I do not know whether I am in order in speaking after the clock has struck Six, and so extending our legal day. I will, however, promise to be brief. In fact, I rise merely to confirm your view, Sir, of our position. For my own part, I have been closely engaged in the business that pertains to performance of my duty to the QUEEN and Country, since an hour earlier than Ten this morning, and I think I may say the same for my friends near me on this Bench. We were, as usual, prepared to go forward with our work, to sit here till whatever hour was necessary to accomplish it. Without abating one jit or tottle--"

SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT: "The Right Hon. Gentleman probably means one jot or tittle."

OLD MORALITY: "In accordance with my habit, Sir, I meant what I said. As I was saying, when perhaps somewhat unnecessarily interrupted by the Right Hon. Gentleman, I do not abate one tit or jottle of my desire to perform my duty where duty is doo; but since our friend the Working Man has declared in favour of a labouring day confined to Eight Hours, we must needs follow him."

OLD MORALITY packed up his papers; JOKIM locked up red box containing papers relating to Budget Scheme; HARCOURT rose to continue discussion; discovered that SPEAKER had gone, and Serjeant-at-Arms removed Mace; so, at few minutes past Six, got off with plenty of time to enjoy that recreation, and cultivate those family relations, not less dear to a Member of Parliament than to the more 'orny 'anded son of toil. Odd at this early hour to hear cry of Doorkeeper, "Who goes home?"

"I must say", he observed, just now, glaring on CALEB WRIGHT, "that I object to the word Compensation which the Hon. Gentleman has used in his question."

What Government had done was to propose measure for the extinction of licences. Of course, a little money would pass. JOKIM, in Budget Scheme, made provision to enable County Council to buy out publicans. "But to call such a transaction Compensation is", RITCHIE added, his left eye twitching in fearsome manner on CALEB WRIGHT, "preposterous."

That being so, House went into Committee on Allotments Bill, and drummed away till sitting suspended.

At Evening Sitting, BOB REID brought on Motion raising sort of British Land Question. Wants to empower Town Councils and County Councils in England and Scotland to acquire, either by agreement or compulsorily, such land within their district as may be needed for the requirements of the inhabitants. House naturally shocked to find a Member proposing to discuss any phase of Land Question apart from Ireland. Interposition of Great Britain in this connection regarded as impertinence. Compromise arrived at; agreed to leave out Scotland. On these terms Debate went forward.

CHAPLIN in charge of case for Government. At last, in his natural position, temporary Leader of the House.

CHAPLIN , "Glamis and Thane of Cawdor! the greatest is behind."

How different from ancient days and nights, when he sat below Gangway in corner seat, that is, when he could get it. Couldn't always; sometimes presumptuous person forestalled him. Even when there, with notes of treasured speech in swelling breast pocket, by no means certain he would find opportunity of convincing House. Others step in, and edge him on into ignominious dinner hour. Now a Minister of the Crown, with a new Department created for his control; to-night in charge of Government business. OLD MORALITY off early, full of restful confidence.

"CHAPLIN'S looking after things", he said, as he made himself comfortable in his room. "Needn't bother; all will go right. Great thing for a First Minister to have a man he can thoroughly depend on."

"At least, TOBY", CHAPLIN said, "those were his remarks as reported to me. I will not deny that they are gratifying."

At the proper time--at his own time--the Minister for Agriculture rose, and, positively pervading the premises, utterly demolished BOB REID, his supporters, his arguments, and his resolution.

Circumstances sufficiently strange to make a man quote STERNE, even if he'd never read his masterpiece. House in Committee on Budget Bill. STOREY moved Amendment on Clause 26, dealing with exemption from Inhabited House Duty of tenement buildings. CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER taken part in the Debate. CHARLES RUSSELL said a few words. House in most serious, not to say depressed mood. Subject particularly inviting for JESSE; always advocated welfare of Working Classes; now seized opportunity to descant on theme. Detailed with growing warmth arrangements desirable for perfecting sanitation of houses for Working Classes; when TANNER, crossing arms and legs, and cocking head on one side, with provoking appearance of keen interest, suddenly submitted this problem:--

"Where do you put the Cow?"

Opposition laughed. Ministerialists cried, "Order!" Various courses open to JESSE. Might have assumed air of interested inquiry. Cow? What Cow? Why drag in the Cow? Might have slain TANNER with a stony stare, and left him to drag his untimely quadruped off the ground. But JESSE took the Cow seriously. Allowed it to get its horns entangled amid thread of his argument. Glared angrily upon the pachydermatous TANNER, and having thus played into his hands, loftily declared, "I do not propose to take any notice of the insult."

"It makes me smile", said SWIFT MACNEILL, walking out for fear GOSCHEN should hear his smile and clap a penny on his Income-Tax.

A long night for JOKIM, wrestling for his Budget. Ominous gathering on Front Bench. Mr. G., not seen lately, comes down. To him foregathers HARCOURT. Assaults on Budget begun from below the Gangway. Proposed to postpone clauses on which Local Budget Bill will be built up. JOKIM shakes his head. Mr. G. amazed at his refusal to listen to reasonable suggestion. HARCOURT rises, meaning to run atilt at JOKIM. Chairman of Committees puts out his foot, nearly trips him up. HARCOURT turns and bends on COURTNEY expressive glance. Never much love lost between these two. Now COURTNEY in official position can snub HARCOURT--and does. Shall HARCOURT go for him? Shall he take him up in his powerful arms and tear him to pieces with delighted teeth? A moment's pause, whilst HARCOURT, towering at table, toying nervously with eyeglass, looks down on Chairman who has just ruled him out of order. Shall he? Struggles with his suddenly awakened wrath, gulps it down, turns aside to talk of something else.

Not to-night, but some night there will be wigs on the green.

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