Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 98 May 17 1890. by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

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Ebook has 97 lines and 13168 words, and 2 pages

Not to-night, but some night there will be wigs on the green.

"No; nothing to do with bye-elections", said the MARKISS, with sob in his throat. "It's WEMYSS; touched me to the quick; was to have made speech to-night on Socialistic legislation of last two years. Hadn't slightest idea what he meant. Came down to-night a little late; found House up. WEMYSS wouldn't deliver his speech in my absence; thing didn't come off; so Lords went home. That's what I call personal devotion. Supposed to be hard cynical man, but you see I have my soft places, and WEMYSS has touched me."

Not a dry eye between us as the MARKISS moved off.

CONVERSATION MANUAL.

FOR USE IN THE HIGHLANDS.

TWO VIEWS OF THE SODGERIES.

It seems rather a high-handed proceeding to deprive the inhabitants of South Belgravia, Old Chelsea, Pimlico and Battersea, of about half of their recreation grounds. This certainly has been done to find a site for the Sodgeries. Whether the Sodgeries will be worth the trouble is another matter. It may be as well to glance hurriedly at its contents.

Certainly, very hurriedly, when one comes to the Ambulance Department. A most ghastly show! Lay-figures reclining in the most realistic fashion on a field of battle, with surgeons and vultures in attendance. If anything could choke off an intending recruit, it would be this. I consider the display as inimical to the best interests of the Army.

Then the Battle Gallery? Can anything be less interesting? Here and there the portrait of a General! But such portraits! One veteran warrior is actually shown in the act of playing upon a fiddle! As for the pictures of the victories, there is scarcely anything new worth looking at. Same good old Inkermann, by Lady BUTLER, as of yore; and the same good old recollections of Egypt from past Academies. For the rest, the room contains some comfortable chairs. They are more inviting than the relics! Then the remainder of the Exhibition! Well, the advertisers have their share, and the restaurant people are all over the place. There are some figures sent over by nigger chieftains, and a little armour. Finally, the grounds are imperfectly illuminated at night with paper lanterns and the electric light. Plenty of military music for those who like it, but who does?

The arrangements for the comfort of the Press at the opening ceremony were unsatisfactory. But this is a detail.

Then the Battle Gallery! Can anything be more interesting? Numerous portraits of Generals--not only in full uniform, but as they are to be seen at home in the bosoms of their families. Every picture of a victory is full of interest, and the relics are priceless. One case contains the identical cloak worn by the great Duke at Waterloo, and another the celebrated panorama of his funeral. The latter, I fancy, was drawn by that well-known artist, who signs himself, when he drops into literature, "G. A. S." If I am right in my conjecture, I may add that I believe all the numberless figures in the admirable composition are wearing Wellington boots. For the rest, the room contains comfortable chairs, but who cares for chairs when such relics are on view!

Then the remainder of the Exhibition! It would take pages to catalogue its hundreds of interesting exhibits. Arms, figures, manufactures, musical instruments. What not? And the grounds! At night a perfect fairy-land, beautifully illuminated with hundreds of gleaming lanterns, and the electric light. Finally the best military music in the world, for those who like it, and who does not?

The arrangements for the comfort of the Press at the opening ceremony were satisfactory to the last degree. But this is a detail.

"BABY BUNG."

WHICH no doubt at the best it's a bothersome babe; though my bounden duty it were to make much of it; I'm free to say, if I had my way, it's the dickens a bit I should come within touch of it. 'Tis a greedy child, and a noisy too, of a colicky turn, and pertikler windy; And, wherever the blessed infant's found, you may bet your boots there'll be stir and shindy.

The family is a rucktious one from their cradles up, and the plague of nusses. You may cosset and cordial 'em up as you will; though you calls 'em "blessings", you finds 'em cusses. Many a monthly they've worritted out of her life, almost, with their fractious snarlings, Though it's most as much as your place is worth to aggerawate 'em--the little darlings!

And this one--well, it would raise a yell you might fancy came from a fog-horn's throttle, If it wasn't for that there soothing-syrup I've artfully smuggled into its bottle. It's strongish stuff, and I've dropped enough in the Babby's gruel to prove a fixer; For this kid's riot you cannot quiet with LAWSON'S Cordial or CAINE'S Elixir.

WARE BRUMMAGEM!

MRS. R. has been uncommonly humorous lately. She observed, "What a foolish remark it was of Dr. JOHNSON'S to say that 'who makes a pen would pick a pocket.'" "Unless", she added, struck with a brilliant idea, "he was thinking of 'steel pens.' But I don't think there were any in his time."

THE TRAVELLING MENAGERIE.

OUTSIDE.

Nos. 39 and 43. Admirable portrait of Sir JOHN PENDER severely lecturing THOMAS HAWKSLEY, Esq. and evidently telling the latter that he ought to be more careful. Both admirable portraits, by Professor HERKOMER, A.R.A., Master of Bushey, F.A.S., M.A., Oxon.

No. 66. "Good morning, Ma'am! Have you used SQUEERS'S soap? No. I thought not. Try it." Suggested for Advertisement by EDWIN WARD.

No. 160. "I blacked my face last night to play the part of a female Christy Ministrel, and I haven't quite succeeded in getting it off this morning. Isn't it a pity, eh, Mr. EDWIN WARD?"

No. 186. Dialogue overheard in front of this:--

What the reply was we don't know,--the question was too much for us, and we were caught in an attendant's arms, taken upstairs tenderly, and treated with care in the refreshment room. Who could imagine such ignorance possible in this "so-called Nineteenth Century!" "Who is GEORGE LEWIS!" ... "Ask a policeman."

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

JOURNALISTIC CRITICISM.

SOCIAL.

PLATFORMULARS.

FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

CURIOMANIA.

RAILROAD AMENITIES.

PREPARING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.

TRADE EMBELLISHMENTS.

OVER THE BABY.

WEEK BY WEEK.

A curious sight was yesterday witnessed in Piccadilly. A gentleman well known in Society and in Politics lost his hat, which was run over, but not otherwise damaged, by a passing omnibus. The Honourable Gentleman's exclamation has been the subject of considerable remark in the Lobby of the House.

A careful investigator has been occupied in calculating the amount of roof accommodation available for the cats of the Metropolis. Dividing London according to Parliamentary districts, and subdividing these parochially and by streets , he has reached the remarkable conclusion, that every cat can command exactly one two-hundredth part of a roof. In this calculation kittens have been neglected.

What is this I hear about the Officers of the Sheriff of a County not a hundred miles from the Metropolis, refusing to be present at Mrs. LEO HUNTER'S grand reception in Lower Chelsea, to meet the youngest son of His Highness the Rajah of Jamjam, ALIKHAN INDOORE? Was it because Mrs. H. forgot to ask their wives?

The great feature of Mrs. DUIT CHEEPELEY'S Fancy Dress Pic-nic at Burnham Beeches will be, that every guest will bring his own hamper. The hostess herself, as Ceres, the Goddess of Plenty, will provide the corkscrews only.

At the last moment it is reported that the engagement of the great African Explorer with Mrs. SNOOKES to meet at five o'clock tea Sir JOSEPH and Lady SMUGGINGS is indefinitely postponed.

"ROBERT" writes to us about "The Ewents of the Week." He says:--

"The City Acaddemy, which it's on the Tems Embankment, opened on Toosday, and I'm told as about a thowsend pupils went a scrambling in there, as hurly as 9 a clock, with their shiny morning faces, and with their scratchels on their backs, as the Poet says, and with their lunches in 'em, as praps the Poet didn't kno of; and arterwards, the LORD MARE and his Sherryffs went to Epping Forest and dined at a Pick Nick with a lot of Werderers, whatever they may be, and some common Counselmen, but, strange to say, they didn't have no Wenson! so they made Game of one another. They didn't arsk that Mr. PERCY LINDLEY, who's allers a finding fault with 'em for cutting so many trees down and then cutting 'em up. They ort to have known from their long xperience, that a jolly good dinner woud most likely have made him hopen his mouth, and shut his eyes, and hold his Tung, like a gennelman."

"At a meeting at 'Good Old Bethnal Green,' as a werry lowd woiced gennelman called it, it was enounced that Mr. PASSMORE EDWARDS, the howner of the howdacious hapenny 'Hecko,' had promised to give 'em ?20,000 to bild 'em a new Library with! when the lowd woiced gennelman ginerously enounced that he woud buy a coppy of that paper the werry next day! If that isn't grattetude, what is?"

A Cambridge Mathematician of repute has just concluded a careful and exhaustive calculation, by which he maintains that if all the pork-chops eaten in London in a week were placed in a row, they would reach from Camberwell to the Isle of Wight; and if piled in a heap on each other, would form a mound half as high again as Primrose Hill.

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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