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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 98 May 24 1890 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor
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Ebook has 387 lines and 38992 words, and 8 pages
Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand
PUNCH,
VOLUME 98.
MAY 24, 1890.
MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
CHARACTERS.
Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly, And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar! We're fully contented with what's been presented, Such good little children we both of us are!
THE ROSE-WATER CURE.
SEVENTY-ONE Sittings, a many months' run, Witnesses Two Hundred, Ninety and One: Clergymen, guardians, factors, physicians, Middlemen, labourers, smart statisticians, Journalists, managers, Gentiles and Jews, And this is the issue! A thing to amuse A cynic, the chat of this precious Committee, But moving kind hearts to despair blent with pity.
CANTUAR., DERBY, and mild ABERDEEN, Such anti-climax sure never was seen! ONSLOW and ROTHSCHILD and MONKSWELL and THRING, Are you content with the pitiful thing? DUNRAVEN out of it; lucky, my lad! Was the Inquiry in earnest or sport? What is the pith of this precious Report?
AN ENTERTAINMENT OF A GOOD STAMP.--The Penny Postage Jubilee Exhibition at the Guildhall.
SONG SENTIMENTIANA.
Thou art all in all to me, love,-- Thou art bread and meat and drink; Thou art air and land and sea, love,-- Thou art paper, pens, and ink. Thou art all of which I'm fond, love: Thou art Whitstables from RULE'S,-- "Little drops" with SPIERS AND POND, love,-- Measures sweet at Mr. POOLE'S.
CHARLES THE FIRST.
Yours,
A VERIFIER OF FACTS.
Yours,
HISTORIAN.
SIR,--King CHARLES THE FIRST lost his head long before he came to the scaffold. I have the block now by me. From it the well-known wood-cut was taken.
CONSULE PLAUCO.
SIR,--It is a very curious thing, but all the trouble was taken out of CHARLES'S head and put into mine years ago by one of the greatest CHARLESES that ever lived, whose name was DICKENS; and mine, without the "ENS," is
Yours truly,
"Mr. DICK."
P.S.--"'Mr. DICK sets us all right,' said My Aunt, quietly."
MRS. GAMP'S apartment wore, metaphorically speaking, a Bab-Balladish aspect, being considerably topsy-turvey, as rooms have a habit of being after any unusual ebullition of temper on the part of their occupants. It was certainly not swept and garnished, although its owner was preparing for the reception of a visitor. That visitor was BETSEY PRIG.
Mrs. GAMP'S chimney-piece was ornamented with three photographs: one of herself, looking somewhat severe; one of her friend and bosom companion, Mrs. PRIG, of far more amiable aspect; and one of a mysterious personage supposed to be Mrs. HARRIS.
"There! Now, drat you, BETSEY, don't be long!" said Mrs. GAMP, apostrophising her absent friend. "For I'm in no mood for waiting, I do assure you. I'm easy pleased, but I must have my own way , and have it directly minit, when the fancy strikes me, else we shall part, and that not friendly, as I could wish, but bearin' malice in our 'arts."
"BETSEY," said Mrs. GAMP, "I will now propoge a toast. My frequent pardner, BETSEY PRIG!"
"Which, altering the name to SAIRAH GAMP, I drink," said Mrs. PRIG, "with love and tenderness!"
"Drat the Carpet!" exclaimed Mrs. GAMP, with a vehement explosiveness whose utter unexpectedness quite disconcerted her friend.
"Don't you say nothink against poicks, BETSEY, and I'll say nothink against musicians," retorted Mrs. GAMP, mysteriously.
"Why nothink at all, my dear; nor don't want to," replied Mrs. PRIG, with surprise.
Mrs. PRIG muttered something not quite audible, but which sounded suspiciously like, "'Ard wuck!"
"Which share and share alike is my mortar," continued Mrs. GAMP; "that as bin my princerple, and I've found it pay. But Injin Carpets for our mutual 'ome, of goldiun lustre and superfluos shine, as tho' we wos Arabian Knights, I cannot and I will not stand. It is the last stror as camels could not forgive. No, BETSEY," added Mr. GAMP, in a violent burst of feeling, "nor crokydiles forget!"
"Bother your camels, and your crokydiles too!" retorted Mrs. PRIG, with indifference. "Wy, SAIREY, wot a tempest in a teapot, to be sure!"
Mrs. GAMP looked at her with amazement, incredulity, and indignation. "Wot!" she with difficulty ejaculated. "A--tempest--in--a--Teapot!! And does BETSEY PRIG, my pardner for so many years, call her friend a Teapot, and decline to take up SAIREY'S righteous quarrel with a Mrs. HARRIS?"
Then Mrs. PRIG, smiling more scornfully, and folding her arms still tighter, uttered these memorable and tremendous words,--
THE PATIENT AT PLAY.
THE Lady once more left her frame in the Club Morning Room.
And the flesh tints of Sir PETER LELY'S paint-brush brightened, as a smile played across the canvas features.
"I' faith! the Military gentlemen are gallants, one and all! To be sure! Then how would it be possible that the foundress of a hospital should be overlooked? And one as comely as myself!"
So, well pleased, she journeyed on. As she reached the river, there was quite a crowd,--people were coming by rail, and boat, and omnibus. It was quite like the olden days of the Exhibitions at South Kensington. She passed through the turnstiles, and then found the cause of the excitement. There were all sorts of good things. A gallery full of pictures, and relics of battles ancient and modern, a museum of industrial work, a collection of everything interesting to a soldier. In the grounds were balloons, and fireworks, assaults at arms, and the best military bands. At length the Lady from the frame in the Club Morning Room stood before a portrait showing a good-natured face and a comely presence.
"And so there I am! And in my hands a model of the Hospital hard-by! 'Gad zooks!' as poor dear ROWLEY used to say, I have no cause for complaint! I thank those kind hearts who can find good in everything,--even in poor NELLIE!"
And, thoroughly satisfied at the treatment she had received at the Sodgeries, Mistress NELL GWYNNE returned to her haunt in the Club Morning Room.
A GLEE QUARTETTE.--Welcome to the Meister Glee Singers. Mr. SAXON, in spite of his name, is by no means brutal, though he might be pardoned for being so when he sees his colleague Mr. SAXTON suiting everybody to a T. Mr. HAST has just as much speed as is necessary, and the fourth gentleman should be neither angry NORCROSS, since he always sings in tune. 'Tis a mad world, my Meisters, but, mad or not, we shall always be glad to hear your glees.
WEEK BY WEEK.
The trees in the Park are now assuming their brightest verdure. It is interesting to note that the number of sparrows shows no signs of diminution.
A RUM CUSTOMER.
THEY have bin so jolly busy lately at the "Grand Hotel," and a reel grand Hotel it is too, that they wanted sum assistence in the werry himportant line of Waiters; so they werry naterally sent for me, and in course I went, and a werry nice cumferal place it is for ewerybody, both Waiters and Wisiters, and I can trewly say as I aint had not a singel complaint since I have been here.
Well, one day a young Swell came a sauntering in, about 4 o'clock, and wanted to know if he cood have a lunch for a gentleman, and in the hansomest room as there was in the house. Of course I was ekal to the ocashun, and told him, yes, he coud, and not only in the hansomest room in that house but in the hansomest room in Lundon, and I at wunce showed him into our Marble Pillow Room, which I coud see at a glarnce made a werry deep impression on his mind, which I was not at all surprized at, for it is about as near a approach to Paradise as you can resonably expect so werry near the Strand.
So I sets him down at a sweet little round table, and I puts a lovely gold candlestick on it, with two darling little cherubs a climing up it, jest as if they was a going for to lite the candle, and then he horders his simple luncheon, which it was jest a cup of our shuperior chocolate and two xquisite little beef and am sandwitches, and wile he eat and drank 'em he arsked me sech lots of questyuns as farely estonished me. Such as, how much did the four Marbel Pillows cost? So I said, about 200 pound, for I allers thinks as an hed Waiter should be reddy to anser any question as he is arsked, weather he knos anythink about it or not.
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