Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 98 May 24 1890 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

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So I sets him down at a sweet little round table, and I puts a lovely gold candlestick on it, with two darling little cherubs a climing up it, jest as if they was a going for to lite the candle, and then he horders his simple luncheon, which it was jest a cup of our shuperior chocolate and two xquisite little beef and am sandwitches, and wile he eat and drank 'em he arsked me sech lots of questyuns as farely estonished me. Such as, how much did the four Marbel Pillows cost? So I said, about 200 pound, for I allers thinks as an hed Waiter should be reddy to anser any question as he is arsked, weather he knos anythink about it or not.

Then he wanted to know where we got all our bewtifool flowers from, and I told him as we had 'em in fresh every morning from the South of France along with our Shampane, which was made a purpose for us by the most sellebrated makers, and consisted of two sorts, wiz.: dry for the higneramuses and rich for the connysewers. So he ordered a bottle of the latter, and drunk two glasses of it, and then acshally made me drink one two, and sed as it was the finest as he had ewer tasted. He then asked me what made us line all the room with such bewtifool looking glass, and I told him as it was by order of most of the most bewtifoolest Ladys in Lundon, who came to dine there wunce or twice every week. So he said as how he shood drop in now and then to see 'em, for he thort as they gave a sort of relish to a good dinner. He then got up, and saying as he didn't want not no Bill, he throwed down a soverain and saying, "I shall allus know where to cum to when I wants a reelly ellegant lunch, in a reelly ellegant room, and to be waited on by a reelly respectful Waiter," went away.

ROBERT.

"NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS."

Your prod, my good STANLEY, CAPRIVI, your pat, Are politic both; I've an eye upon each of you. The lids may look lazy, but don't trust to that; I watch, and I wait, and I weigh the 'cute speech of you. I do not mind learning from both of your books, But though you may think Leo given to slumber, He may not be quite such a slug as he looks, As rivals have found, dear boys, times out of number!

AMONGST Cambridge cricketers Mr. GOSLING and Mr. HENFREY may be trusted to avoid duck's eggs. Mr. ROWELL prefers to bat well; and Mr. LEESE wishes he had a freehold when he is at the wickets. With WOODS, a HILL, a FIELD, a FORD and a RILL, there's plenty of variety about FENNER'S ground at present.

MODERN TYPES.

POVERTY is commonly supposed to be a bar to all generosity and enjoyment of life. Perhaps this may be true of a certain class. But there is a kind of genteel and not unfashionable poverty with regard to which it is mainly false. A poor lady, for instance, who is afflicted with an overmastering charitable impulse, and is blessed with energy, will use this bar of poverty as a lever with which to move the bounty of her friends, in order that she herself may appear bountiful, and, as a rule, her efforts in this direction will be crowned with a success that would be phenomenal, if it were not so common. The history of her earlier years is easily written. Whilst still a child, she begins a collecting career, by being entrusted, on behalf of a church building fund, with a card divided into "bricks," each brick being valued at the price of half-a-crown. Her triumphs in inducing her relations and their friends to become purchasers of these minute and valueless squares of cardboard are great, and the consideration she acquires on all hands as a precocious charitable agent is very acceptable even to her childish mind.

Her profession having thus been determined, she devotes herself with an unflagging ardour to the task of diminishing the available assets of those with whom she may be brought in contact. Her parents, who are not overburdened with riches, look on at first with amusement, and afterwards with the dismay which any excess of zeal always arouses in the British breast. Their protests, however, fall upon deaf ears, and they adopt an attitude of severe neutrality, in the hope that years and a husband may bring wisdom to their daughter.

This does not save them from being made involuntary sharers in her charitable iniquities. Her father wakes one morning to find himself famous to the amount of one pound ten, contributed under the name of "A Cruel Parent," to the Amalgamated Society for the Reform of Rag-pickers, and his wife at the same time is made indignant by the discovery that she figures for twelve-and-sixpence, as "A Mother who ought to be Proud," in the balance-sheet of the United Charwomen's Home Reading Association. Further inquiry reveals the fact that the former sum resulted from the sale by the daughter to an advertising Old Clothes' Merchant of two of her father's suits, which, although they had seen service, he had not yet resolved to discard; and the result is the dismissal of the family butler, who had connived in the transaction. The twelve-and-sixpence had been formed gradually by the accumulation of stray coppers and postage-stamps, which her mother was accustomed to leave about on her writing-table, without the least intention that they should be devoted to charity. The parents expostulate in vain. The consciousness that she has diverted to objects, which she believes to be admirable, money that might have been unworthily spent, steels the heart of their daughter against their remonstrances, nor can she be induced to believe that, in thus taking upon herself to interpret or to correct the intentions of her parents, she has done wrong.

Matters, however, are thus brought to a crisis. Her home becomes unendurable to her, and she accepts the offer of marriage made by a subordinate, and not very highly paid official, in one of the Departments of the Civil Service. Her parents pronounce their blessing, and rejoice in an event which promises them an immunity from many annoyances.

The marriage duly takes place, but it is soon evident that the poor Lady Bountiful will not allow her change of condition to make any difference to the vigour and persistency of her charitable appeals. She continues the old firm and the old business under a new name, and takes advantage of her independence to enlarge immensely the field of her operations. No bazaar can be organised without her and as a stall-holder she is absolutely unrivalled. Missions, teas, treats, penny dinners, sea-side excursions, the building of halls, the endowment of a bishopric, the foundation of a flannel club, all depend upon her inexhaustible energy in begging. Nor is she satisfied with public institutions. Private applicants of all kinds gather about her. Destitute but undeserving widows, orphans who have brought the grey hairs of their parents to the grave, old soldiers and stranded foreigners batten upon her capacity for taking advantage of her friends. For it must be well understood that the restricted limits of her husband's means and his parsimony prevent her from contributing anything herself to her innumerable schemes except a lavish expenditure of pens and ink and paper with which to set forth her appeals. Yet in this she is a true altruist. For she knows and tells everybody how delightful and blessed it is to give, and accordingly in the purest spirit of self-denial she permits her friends to dispense the cash, whilst she herself is satisfied with the credit.

Like a mighty river, she receives the offerings of innumerable tributary streams, which lose their identity in hers, and are swept away under her name, to be finally merged in the great ocean of charitable effort. Who does not know, that it was mainly owing to her indefatigable efforts, that the new wing was added to the Disabled District Visitors' Refuge, and who has not seen at least one of the many subscription lists to which "per Mrs. So-and-So" invariably contributed the largest amount? Is it not also on record that at the reception which followed the public opening of this wing, when the collecting ladies advanced to deposit their collections at the feet of presiding Royalty, it was the Poor Lady Bountiful who brought the largest, the most beautifully embroidered and the fullest purse? It was felt on all hands, that "the dear Princess" had only done what an English Princess might properly be expected to do, when she afterwards, under the inspiration of the cunning Vicar, showered a few words of golden public praise into the palpitating bosom of the champion purse-bearer.

And thus her time is spent. When she is not organising a refuge she is setting on its legs a dinner fund, when she has exhausted the patience of her friends on behalf of her particular tame widow, she can always begin afresh with a poverty-stricken refugee, and if the delights of the ordinary subscription-card should ever pall, she can fly for relaxation to the seductive method of the snowball, which conceals under a cloak of geometrical progression and accuracy, the most comprehensive uncertainty in its results. One painful incident in her career must be chronicled. Fired by her example, but without her knowledge, a friend of hers from whom she is accustomed to solicit subscriptions, steps down to do battle on her own account in the charitable arena. And thus, when next the Poor Lady Bountiful makes an appeal in this quarter on behalf of a Siberian Count, whom she declares to be quite a gentleman in his own country, she is met by the declaration, that further relief is impossible, as her friend has a Bulgarian of her own to attend to. Thus there is an end of friendship, and both parties scatter dreadful insinuations as to the necessity for an audit of accounts. Eventually it happens that a rich and distant relation of her husband dies, and leaves him unexpectedly an income of several thousands a-year. Having thus lost all her poverty, she retires from the fitful fever of charitable life to the serene enjoyment of a substantial income, and awaits, with a fortitude that no collector is suffered to disturb, the approach of a non-subscribing and peaceful old age.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.--ROYAL ACADEMY.

OUT AND ABOUT.

Mr. E. J. POYNTER has painted a noble picture of the meeting of SOLOMON and the Queen of SHEBA, and Mr. T. MCLEAN exhibits it at 7, Haymarket. I once saw a picture of this Queen on an ancient corner-cupboard; that was in early childhood, and the Queen of those days was a very Dutch Lady. Mr. POYNTER'S is quite unlike that one; in fact, she is extremely beautiful. But why is she overcome? SOLOMON might have been pardoned for blushing when he saw her, but he takes it quite as a matter of course. The black Chamberlain is evidently not a lord, otherwise he would have been more careful about his Queen's dress. There are harps, peacocks, golden lions, luscious fruits, monkeys, marble steps, and gorgeous pillars, to complete the picture. Curiously enough, the other ladies do not seem to care for the newly-arrived Queen. Bravo, POYNTER! A great picture!

LE PETIT SHOWS.

IN THE KNOW.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

Hadn't slightest idea. Suggested Right Hon. Gentleman had better give notice of question.

Good deal of truth in what OLD MORALITY says. House crowded to-night; full of seething excitement. RITCHIE moved Second Reading of Compensation Bill; CAINE moved Amendment, eliminating principle of compensation. Capital speech; would have been better if it had been half an hour shorter. Between them, RITCHIE and CAINE occupied nearly three hours of sitting, leaving five hours for the remaining 668 Members.

"This is not debate," protested SHAW-LEFEVRE, sternly! "it is preaching; why cannot a man be concise? Concision, if I may coin a word, is the soul of argument. My old friend DIZZY used to say to me, 'SHAW, what I admire about LEFEVRE is his terseness. If you want a man to say in twenty minutes everything that, from his point of view, is to be spoken on a given subject, SHAW-LEFEVRE is the man.' That was, perhaps, a too flattering view to take; but there's something in it, and it makes me, perhaps naturally, impatient of a man who wanders round his subject for an hour and a half."

RATHBONE certainly a melancholy spectacle. Evidently had spent his nights and days in preparation of speech on Compensation Bill; brought it down in large quarto notes. OLD MORALITY glanced across House with sudden access of interest; thought it was a copy-book; Speech evidently highly prized at rehearsals in family circle.

"I think," said RATHBONE, complacently, "before I sit down I shall show you that the view I take is correct."

"That," said RATHBONE, with unaccustomed flash of intelligent speech, "was exactly the reverse of what I undertook to show the House."

At end of first half-hour RATHBONE began to show signs of distress. SINCLAIR thought he was signalling for water; prepared to go for glass; something wrong; RATHBONE violently agitated; nodding and winking and pointing to recess under bench before him. House now really excited. Began to think that perhaps the Accountant was hidden down there. If he could be only got up, might explain matters. SINCLAIR sharing general agitation, dived under seat; reappeared attempting to secrete small medicine bottle, apparently containing milk-punch; drew cork with difficulty; poured out dose, handed it to RATHBONE. RATHBONE gulped it down; smacked his lips; much refreshed; evidently good for another hour.

Off again, wading with the Accountant knee-deep in figures from Leeds to Sheffield, back to Birmingham, across to Liverpool, on to York, with occasional sips of milk-punch. A wonderful performance that held in breathless attention few Members present to hear it.

"It is magnificent," said the Member for Sark; "but it isn't clear."

"Never know what the Bhoys will do," he said, sagely. "Like to be on the safe side. Division at five, so be here at four."

The Bhoys came down in great force at one o'clock; only a score or so of Ministerialists visible. Fox rose to move Second Reading of Bill. Good for an hour if necessary. Long JOHN O'CONNOR, that Eiffel Tower of patriotism, ready to Second Motion, in a discourse of ninety minutes.

"May as well make an afternoon of it," he says, gazing round the expectant but empty Benches opposite.

FOX just started, when happy thought struck Irish Members. If they divided at once, before Ministerial majority arrived, could carry Second Reading; so Brer FOX doubled, and in ten minutes got back home. Long JOHN folded himself up, till casual passer-by might have mistaken him for PICTON. Conservatives, not ready for this manoeuvre, dumfounded. Division imminent; only thing to be done was to make speeches till four o'clock and majority arrived. Everybody available pressed into service. CHARLES LEWIS, coming up breathless, declared that "promoters of Bill, wished by a side-stab in the wind of the Government"--he meant by a side-wind--"to stab the Measure on the same subject the Government had brought forward."

That was better; though how you stab by a side-wind not explained. Prince ARTHUR threw himself languidly into fray. Talked up to quarter past three; majority beginning to trickle in, T. W. RUSSELL moved Adjournment of Debate. Defeated by 94 votes against 68. Irish Members evidently in majority of 26. Prince ARTHUR, with eye nervously watching door, wished that night or BLUCHER would come. Neither arriving, stepped aside, letting Irish Members carry their Bill; which they did, amid tumultuous cheering.

COMPLAINTS are often made as to the non-appreciation of jokes by those to whom they are addressed. A Correspondent sends us on this subject the following interesting remarks:--"I have made on an average ten jokes a day for the last six years. Being in possession of a large independent income, I could have afforded to make more, but I think ten a day a reasonable number. I find that, as a rule, the wealthy and highly-placed have absolutely no appreciation of humour. The necessitous, however, show a keen taste for it. The other day a gentleman, whom I had only seen once, asked me for the loan of a sovereign. I immediately made six jokes running, and was rewarded by six successive peals of laughter. I then informed him I had no money with me, and left him chuckling to himself something about an Eastern coin of small value, called, I believe, a dam."

Heavens! What a dainty cannibal is this Critic! But how lucky for Mr. POYNTER.

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

Passing from the region of conjecture to that of fact, it was soon learnt that the enemy's cavalry which advanced on Monday into Belgium to see how the land lay threw out feelers from Hannut and Saint Trond towards Tirlemont, Hougaerde, and Jodoigne. They came with artillery and machine guns, occupied Landen, Neerwinden, Pellaines, and other places, burning houses and hayricks as they passed. A regiment of Belgian lancers met them at Dormael, where a sharp encounter gave a momentary advantage to the defenders, whom the German artillery, which was opened shortly afterwards, forced to retire.

The Germans then proceeded to shoot seven inmates of the houses on an unproved charge of firing. They also burned the houses of the village of Orsmael, and shot three brothers, peasants, on a like allegation.

Universal execration followed the German troops in Belgium, where all observers were unanimous in accusing them of cruelty towards civilians, unwarranted by the attitude of the population and forbidden by the rules of war. Wherever they tarried peaceful inhabitants were shot down on charges which were emphatically denied by their neighbours. At Dormael a Uhlan, seeing a priest go forward to administer the last sacraments to the agonising wounded, cut him down as if he too were a combatant.

Having compelled the Belgian lancers to retire from Dormael, the German cavalry advanced in the direction of Tirlemont to the number of about 2,000. Arriving at Bost, which is a mile from Tirlemont, they found their further advance barred by Belgian infantry, whereupon they fell back upon Saint Trond and Waremme.

The Belgian troops did not begin the pursuit of the enemy's cavalry until August 11th, when they drove it beyond Waremme.

Li?ge became a new centre of an artillery action, both offensive and defensive. The Germans pounded away at the forts, their shells exploding on the cupolas and around these, while the forts responded with vigour unimpaired. Meanwhile the invaders began to construct a pontoon over the Meuse at Lixhe, for troops and trains of ammunition and provisions. It was believed that they were also preparing to cross the river above Li?ge, for they were forwarding heavy war material in the direction of Engis.

Meanwhile, the French cavalry showed themselves to the population of Brussels, who gave them a warm ovation.

The second general engagement in the struggle for the possession of the Li?ge forts took place on Wednesday, August 12th, and lasted until the early morning of the 13th. The Germans attempted a "reconnaissance in force," and attacked the Belgian army at two points.

Again, however, the Belgian soldier proved more than a match for the most highly trained troops of the Kaiser. The reconnaissance in force failed utterly. Two of their finest cavalry divisions and two regiments of Jaegers suffered heavy losses in killed, wounded, and prisoners.

The attack was made at two points, one to the north of Namur and the other near Diest, which is a railway junction. About ten in the morning cavalry patrols reported the advance of the enemy towards Haelen, a village about three miles south of Diest. At the head of the force rode the famous 17th Dragoons; behind them marched a regiment of Jaegers with a battery of artillery and machine-guns. Belgian carbineers awaited them at Zelck and succeeded in checking the advance until they could retire on Haelen, which was formerly a fortress.

With reckless courage the Dragoons galloped into what was an armed cul de sac. In front of them was a battery on the mound of the fort, and the road was trenched and barricaded. The Belgians opened fire from buildings which had been loopholed to meet an attack from that quarter. Under cover of artillery fire and aided by machine-guns the cavalry attempted to carry the position by assault. It was an enterprise that did more credit to the courage than to the judgment of the German soldier.

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