Read Ebook: Manners and Rules of Good Society; Or Solecisms to be Avoided by Anonymous

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Good-natured friends of both sexes know how difficult it is to get partners for well-dressed, well-mannered, good-looking girls at a ball, unless they are more than ordinarily attractive in some way or other, in which case they are popular and sought after, and the only difficulty rests with the young ladies themselves as to how they shall best apportion the dances so as to satisfy their numerous partners, or persuade their chaperons to stay for one more dance which they have promised to, etc.

It is a well-known fact in the ball-going world that the majority of young men insist upon being introduced to the most popular girls in a ball-room, and refuse being introduced to one who does not appear to have plenty of partners.

Public balls are in reality made up of a number of small parties and different sets, each set or party being entirely independent of the other.

At county balls the county people take large house-parties, and each house-party does or does not mingle with other house-parties, according to standing or inclination.

If three large house-parties join forces at a ball they form a very imposing majority; but there are other sets in the same ball-room, dancing to the same band and adjourning to the same supper-room, equally apart and equally distinct.

At balls held at watering-places, although the residents do not take large house-parties, yet they join forces with those residents with whom they are acquainted, reinforced by friends who come down purposely to be present at the ball. Thus, on the face of it, a steward's introductions cannot fail to be ill-received, in whatever set he may be coerced into making them; and it is well understood that introductions, to prove acceptable, should only be made through friends and acquaintances, and even then with tact and judgment.

As the stewards of a ball are usually the most influential gentlemen in the place, it naturally follows that they are acquainted with many, if not with all, of the principal people present, therefore when they make introductions it is not by virtue of their office, but simply as a matter of friendship, and through being personally acquainted with those introduced by them.

Introductions out of doors are rather a matter of inclination than not, as, for instance, when a lady is walking with another lady to whom she is on a visit she should introduce any friends to her hostess she might happen to meet, and her hostess should do likewise if time and opportunity offer for so doing; should any reason exist for not making an introduction on the part of either lady, it should be explained when they are again alone, as were either of the ladies to exclude the other from the conversation it would be considered discourteous towards the one excluded. When two ladies accidentally meet when out walking, and are subsequently joined by two or more ladies, introductions should not be made by either of the ladies, unless some special reason exists for so doing. A lady, as a rule, should not introduce gentlemen to each other unless one of them is her host, when it would be correct to do so.

LEAVING CARDS

The etiquette of card-leaving is a privilege which society places in the hands of ladies to govern and determine their acquaintanceships and intimacies, to regulate and decide whom they will, and whom they will not visit, whom they will admit into their friendship, and whom they will keep on the most distant footing, whose acquaintance they wish further to cultivate and whose to discontinue.

It would seem that the act of leaving cards is but imperfectly understood, and that many erroneous impressions prevail respecting the actual use of visiting cards: The object of leaving cards is to signify that a call has been made, due civility shown, and a like civility expected in return.

Leaving cards, or card-leaving, is one of the most important of social observances, as it is the ground-work or nucleus in general society of all acquaintanceships. Leaving cards, according to etiquette, is the first step towards forming, or towards enlarging, a circle of acquaintances, and the non-fulfilment of the prescribed rules is a sure step in the opposite direction. The following is the received code of card-leaving in all its details according to the etiquette observed in good society by both ladies and gentlemen, and should be faithfully followed.

The name of the lady should be printed in the centre of the card, and her address in the left-hand corner. If she has a second address, it should be printed in the opposite corner of the card. If the second address is but a temporary one, it is usually written and not printed.

A married lady should never use her christian name on a card; but she should use her husband's christian name before her surname if his father or elder brother is living.

It is now considered old-fashioned for husbands and wives to have their names printed on the same card, although at watering-places, the practice of having the two names on the same card, "Mr. and Mrs. Dash," is still occasionally followed; but even when these cards are used, a lady and gentleman still require separate cards of their own.

A lady having a large acquaintance should keep a visiting book, in which to enter the names of her acquaintances, and the date when their cards were left upon her, with the dates of her return cards left upon them, that she might know whether a card were due to her from them, or whether it were due to them from her.

A lady having a small acquaintance would find a memorandum book sufficient for the purpose; a line should be drawn down the centre of every page, dividing it into two columns, the one column for the names, and the opposite column for the dates of the calls made and returned.

Leaving cards principally devolves upon the mistress of a house; a wife should leave cards for her husband, as well as for herself; and a daughter for her father. The master of a house has little or no card-leaving to do, beyond leaving cards upon his bachelor friends.

In the country it is otherwise, and those who return home are called upon by their friends and acquaintances in the first instance, unless under exceptional circumstances.

Ladies arriving in town should leave cards on their acquaintances and friends to intimate that they have returned.

Visiting cards should be left in person, and should not be sent by post, although in town, when the distance is considerable, it is tacitly allowed; but, as a rule, ladies invariably leave their cards themselves. On arriving in town for the season ladies having a large acquaintance often send their visiting cards to their various friends and acquaintances by a man-servant or through a stationer.

If not a first call a lady should leave one only of her husband's cards if his acquaintance with her friend's husband is an intimate one and they are in the habit of meeting frequently. If, on the contrary, they know each other but slightly, and meet but seldom, then two of his cards should be left. This, however, not on every occasion of calling.

When a lady is walking, and finds the mistress of the house at which she calls is "not at home," she should act as above.

When a lady calling is accompanied by her husband and the mistress of the house is at home, the husband should leave one of his cards only, for the absent master of the house; when the master of the house is at home also, a card in that case should not be left.

A lady should not leave one of her husband's cards for the daughters of the house, but she not unfrequently leaves his card for the grown-up sons of the house.

When a lady intends leaving cards on a friend who is the guest of some one with whom she is unacquainted, she should only leave cards for her friend and not for her friend's hostess; but if she is slightly acquainted with her friend's hostess, she should leave cards upon her on the occasion of her first visit to her friend, but it would not be necessary to do so at every subsequent visit, especially if they were of frequent occurrence.

Young ladies should not have visiting cards of their own; their names should be printed beneath that of their mother on her card. In the case of there being no mother living, the daughter's name should be printed beneath that of her father on the usual lady's visiting card, but never on the smaller cards used by gentlemen. When young ladies are taken out into society by relatives or friends, their names should be written in pencil under the names of the ladies chaperoning them on their visiting cards.

Maiden ladies of a certain age should have visiting cards of their own, but until a young lady has attained what is termed a certain age, it argues no little independence of action to have a card of her own; but when she no longer requires chaperonage, she is entitled to a card of her own, being clearly her own mistress, and able to choose her own acquaintances.

When a young lady is on a visit unaccompanied by her parents, and wishes to call on ladies with whom the lady she is staying with is unacquainted, she should leave her mother's card on which her own name is also printed, and should draw a pencil through her mother's name to intimate that she was not with her on that occasion.

Should a lady of higher rank return a card by a "call," asking if the mistress of the house were "at home," her so doing would be in strict etiquette; and should she return a "call" by a card only, it should be understood that she wished the acquaintance to be of the slightest; and should a lady call upon an acquaintance of higher rank than herself, who had only left a card upon her, her doing so would be a breach of etiquette.

In large establishments the hall porter enters the names of all callers in a book expressly kept for the purpose, while some ladies merely desire their servant to sort the cards left for them.

The name of the lady or gentleman for whom the cards are intended should never be written on the cards left at a house. The only case in which it should be done would be when cards are left on a lady or a gentleman staying at a crowded hotel, when, to save confusion, and to ensure their receiving them, their names should be written on them thus: "For Mr. and Mrs. Smith." But this would be quite an exceptional case, otherwise to do so would be extremely vulgar.

If a lady has been but once present at any entertainment, whether the invitation came through a mutual friend or direct from the hostess herself, the hostess being but a slight acquaintance of her own, besides leaving cards on her the day following, she can, if she desires, leave cards on her the following season, or, if residing in the same town, within a reasonable time of the entertainment; but if these cards are not acknowledged by cards being left in return, she should of course understand that the acquaintance is to proceed no further.

A lady should not leave cards on another lady to whom she has but recently been introduced at a dinner-party or afternoon tea; for instance, she must meet her several times in society, and feel sure that her acquaintance is desired, before venturing to leave cards. If two ladies are of equal rank, tact will be their best guide as to the advisability of leaving cards or not upon each other; the lady of superior rank may take the initiative if she pleases. If either of the ladies express a wish to further the acquaintance by asking the other to call upon her, the suggestion should come from the lady of highest rank; if of equal rank it is immaterial as to which first makes the suggestion. But in either case the call should be paid within the week.

Persons moving in the same sphere should either leave cards or call according as they intend to be ceremonious or friendly, and the return visits should be paid in like manner, a card for a card, a call for a call.

It is the received rule that residents should call on new-comers, although having no previous acquaintance with them, or introductions to them.

New-comers, even if of higher rank, should not call on residents in the first instance, but should wait until the residents have taken the initiative. If residents do not wish to continue the acquaintance after the first meeting, it is discontinued by not leaving cards, or by not calling again, and if the new-comers feel disinclined to continue the acquaintance they should return the calls by leaving cards only. Calling on new-comers in the country should not be done indiscriminately, and due consideration should be paid to individual status in society.

The custom of residents calling on new-comers is entirely confined to county society, and does not apply to residents in large towns and populous watering-places.

In old cathedral cities and quiet country towns, far from the metropolis, on the contrary, the rule holds good of residents calling on new-comers.

In the country an absence of from three to six months renders leaving P.P.C. cards somewhat necessary; under that period it would be unnecessary to give notice of a temporary absence which does not amount to an actual departure. Short absences render it unnecessary to leave P.P.C. cards. Holiday movements at Christmas, Easter, and Whitsuntide are thoroughly recognized, and no leave-taking is obligatory. P.P.C. cards are now seldom if ever left in town.

Initials appertaining to honorary rank should never be written or printed on a card, such as D.L., K.C., M.P., K.C.B., M.D., etc. Military or professional titles necessarily precede the surname of the person bearing them, and are always used, such as "Colonel Smith," "Captain Smith," "Rev. H. Smith," "Dr. Smith," etc.

As regards titles, "The Honourable" is the only title that is not used on a visiting card. Thus "The Honourable Henry Smith's" card should bear the words "Mr. Henry Smith" only.

A Baronet's card should be printed thus, "Sir George Smith," and a Knight's card thus, "Sir Charles Smith." A gentleman's address should be printed in the left hand corner of the card. If a member of a club, it is usual to print the name of the club at the right hand. Officers usually have the name of the club printed at the left hand corner in the place of the address, and the regiment to which they belong at the right hand.

Cards should be printed in small copper-plate script, without ornamentation of any kind. Old English letters look old-fashioned on a card, and are but little used; and ornamental capital letters are never used, and are out of date. The lettering should be as plain and as free from any sort of embellishment as it well can be.

Bachelors, as a rule, are expected to leave cards on the master and mistress of a house with whom they are acquainted as soon as they are aware that the family have arrived in town; or if a bachelor himself has been away, he should leave cards on his acquaintances immediately after his return. He should leave one card for the mistress of the house and one for its master.

A gentleman should not turn down a corner of his card, even though he may be acquainted with other ladies of the family besides the mistress of the house. A gentleman should not leave a card for the young daughters of the house, or for any young relative of its mistress who might be staying with her; but if a married couple with whom he is acquainted were staying with the friends on whom he is calling, he should leave two cards for them, one for the wife and one for the husband, and should tell the servant for whom they are intended.

As regards leaving cards upon new acquaintances, a gentleman should not leave his card upon a married lady, or the mistress of a house, to whom he has been introduced, however gracious or agreeable she has been to him, unless she expressly asks him to call, or gives him to understand in an unmistakable manner that his doing so would be agreeable to her. This rule holds good, whether the introduction has taken place at a dinner-party, at a ball, at an "at home," at a country-house gathering, or elsewhere; he would not be entitled to leave his card on her on such slight acquaintanceship; as, if she desired his further acquaintance, she would make some polite allusion to his calling at her house, in which case he should leave his card on her as soon afterwards as convenient, and he should also leave a card for the master of the house, the lady's husband or father , even if he had not made his acquaintance when making that of the lady.

A gentleman should not leave a card on a young lady to whom he has been introduced, but upon her mother or the relative with whom she is residing.

When the acquaintance existing between gentlemen is but slight, they should occasionally leave cards upon each other, especially when they do not move in the same circle, and are not otherwise likely to meet; it generally follows that the one who most desires the acquaintanceship is the one to leave his card first, always supposing that the strength of the acquaintance would warrant his so doing. The one of highest rank should be the one to intimate that he desires the acquaintance of the other; if the rank be equal, it is a matter of inclination which calls first.

The rules of etiquette, though stringent as regards acquaintances, have little or no application as regards intimate friends; friendship overrules etiquette.

When a bachelor has a number of intimate friends, very little card-leaving is required from him as far as they are concerned.

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