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Read Ebook: Mr. Punch with the Children by Hammerton J A John Alexander Editor
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Ebook has 54 lines and 14847 words, and 2 pages
Editor: J. A. Hammerton
Illustrator: Various
WITH THE CHILDREN
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
AS PICTURED BY
PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH, GORDON BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL, CHARLES PEARS, LEWIS BAUMER, DAVID WILSON, TOM BROWNE, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, C. E. BROCK, TOM WILKINSON, HILDA COWHAM, AND OTHER HUMORISTS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN
EDITOR'S NOTE
MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN
A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind you don't use any rude words!"
POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line--
"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."
TRUE SENTIMENT.--"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie--that pretty lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to send her?"
MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.-- This is a pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at "very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention, permanent fair weather.
SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or something; then mother'll buy it me!"
"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"
Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school, Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool; Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright, Johnnie could never do anything right. Genius often is known to fail; Tommy turned forger, and went to jail. Johnnie, though slow as he well could be, Plodded away and became M.P.
INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY.--"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?"
A CONSCIENTIOUS CHILD.--"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"
"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"
CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.--"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"
"They lived in groves of oak."
"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"
"Er--let me see--Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"
MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.-- Get out on to the roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
A REALIST IN FICTION.--"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"
"No, dear. It was imagination!"
"Are 'maginations white behind?"
THE SICK CHILD
BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS
A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take; But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache. Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am, And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam. I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more, Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me, In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea. It may be so--I cannot tell--I yet may do without; They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about. I long to cut that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie; I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try. I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much; Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch! Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear. My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer!
PHYSICS.--"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"
"O, yes, mamma!"
"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"
"Pickles!"
"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"
"Behind me."
ENGLISH HISTORY.--"And who was the king who had so many wives?"
"Bluebeard!"
"Certainly, Effie!"
"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"
AT A CHILDREN'S PARTY
DURING TEA
DURING A PERFORMANCE OF PUNCH AND JUDY
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