Read Ebook: Mornings at Bow Street A Selection of the Most Humorous and Entertaining Reports which Have Appeared in the 'Morning Herald' by Wight J John Cruikshank George Illustrator

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His worship smiled also, and did not take the trouble of refuting the slander; and the matter ended in the professor and another friend of Mons. Flament becoming sureties to the parish on his behalf.

UNREQUITED LOVE.

"Built him a willow cabin at her gate, And called upon his love within the house-- Making the babbling gossip of the air Cry out--Meg Muggins!"

These things having been detailed to the magistrate by the daughter and neighbours of Mrs. Muggins--for Mrs. Muggins herself was too much alarmed to appear--his worship asked the forlorn old swain what he had to say to it.

His accusers undertook that the letter should be answered--if it could be found; and eventually Peter was discharged, with an admonition to cease from pestering Mrs. Muggins, on pain of imprisonment.

A DUN AT SUPPER TIME.

Mr. John Dunn appeared upon a warrant to answer the complaint of Mrs. Amelia Groutage.

Mrs. Amelia Groutage is an elderly lady of some sixteen stone or thereabout, and short in proportion--or, more properly speaking, out of proportion; for it is a doubt whether her breadth is not nearly equal to her height. We are thus particular in her admeasurement, because it materially influenced the decision on her complaint.

THE CANTAB AND THE TURKS.

A pair of venerably-bearded Turks, in the full costume of the East, appeared before the magistrate, attended by one of the porters belonging to the Home Secretary of State's Office, who informed his worship, that one of the under secretaries had desired they should be conducted before him; they having some complaint to make against a member of the University of Cambridge.

To this man one of the strangers talked for nearly a quarter of an hour, with astonishing volubility, and most redundant gesticulation; and, having concluded, the man delivered the following narrative--partly in English, partly in French, partly in Arabic, and partly in a dialect of his own, composed of all the others:--

The magistrate said, it appeared that the collegian, by this unprincipled trick, had "killed two birds with one stone,"--he had rid himself of his creditor and his mistress at once. The stratagem, he said, was the more unprincipled, inasmuch as it was played off upon foreigners, who were utterly ignorant of the customs of the country, but unfortunately it did not come within his jurisdiction, and therefore he could render no assistance. His worship then recommended them to apply to a solicitor; and the interpreter tried hard to make them understand the nature of a solicitor, but the strangers only shook their turban'd heads and shrugged their shoulders in reply; and, so doing, they walked out of the office.

JOHN BROWN.

One of the churchwardens of St. Anne's, Soho, appeared in custody before the magistrate, to answer the complaint of John Brown.

John Brown--or, more courteously speaking, Mr. John Brown--is landlord of a respectable inn, in Essex, and a jolly landlord he is--plump, unctuous, and rosy; and being at that time blessed with a fine pair of bloodshot eyes, his countenance looked as glowingly rubicund as a full-blown Patagonian peony.

The magistrate having heard the business from beginning to end, with great patience, dismissed the warrant, and told John Brown he might think himself well off that it was no worse.

This is the end of John Brown's adventures, as far as we are acquainted with them.

JOHN SAUNDERS ON HORSEBACK: A NARRATIVE;

Showing how, like John Gilpin, he went further than he intended, and got safe home again.

Mr. Marchant stood aghast for a moment, and then followed, crying "Stop thief! Stop thief!" with all his might. Every horseman on the road, the horse-patrol and many foot passengers, hearing this cry, scampered after John Saunders with might and main, and the hue and cry sounded far and wide--

"Stop thief! stop thief!--a highwayman!" Not one of them was mute; And all and each that passed that way Did join in the pursuit.

And still, as fast as he drew near, 'Twas wonderful to view How in a trice the turnpike men Their gates wide open threw.

So far was Mr. Marchant's statement of the affair; and, he having concluded, John Saunders was called upon for his defence.

Mr. Marchant, in reply, said he was inclined to believe his story, but he thought it right he should be told authoritatively that he was not to play such pranks with impunity.

The magistrate, therefore, gave John Saunders a suitable admonition, and dismissed him.

'PON MY HONOUR IT'S TRUE.

A German mechanic having laid information at this office that a countryman of his, named Schultz, residing in Green Street, Leicester Square, was kept in a state of durance, in his own house, by an Englishwoman, who, he verily believed, had a design both upon his life and property, the magistrate sent some officers to bring the parties before him.

They accordingly proceeded to the house, but the English lady peremptorily refused them admission, and it was several hours before they were able to effect an entrance. At length, however, they brought the parties to the office in a hackney coach--for the lady was too magnificent to walk, and the poor old German was so afflicted with paralysis, that he was carried before the magistrate on the back of one of his countrymen.

He was indeed a miserable object--his limbs utterly useless--his eyes dull and unnaturally protruding--his beard unshaved--his hair matted with feathers--and his whole person disgustingly filthy.

The wretched old German stated, that this lady came as a lodger to his house in the first instance, and took every opportunity of attending to him in his illness; till at length, finding she had ingratiated herself with him, she proposed to him to make her his wife. This he very ungallantly declined; and she contented herself with only passing for his wife, and assuming more than the privileges of one. She turned out his lodgers, and got creatures of her own in lieu of them. She forbade his friends and countrymen from coming near him. She pretended they only wanted to rob him, and prevailed on him to make his will, leaving all his property to her; and having accomplished this, she confined him in a little room, fed him scantily, and beat him whenever he remonstrated with her on her altered conduct. In conclusion, he expressed his thankfulness that he had been rescued from her tyranny, and implored the magistrate to protect him from her in future.

The magistrate said he could easily afford protection to his person, but he wished to protect his property also.

The solicitor here informed his worship, that the complainant had no property to protect--inasmuch as he had given the lady a bill of sale of all he possessed, in consideration of a hundred pounds she had lent him at different times.

A long desultory altercation ensued, and eventually this disinterested lady was ordered to find bail for repeatedly assaulting the object of her love; and not being prepared with any, she was delivered into the custody of the gaoler, whilst the old man was carried out of the office again on the back of his countryman.

BEER--NOT BODIES.

Mr. Minshull now asked the pauper printer what he was doing in the burial-ground at that time of night; adding, "I am afraid, my friend, you were there with the intention of stealing dead bodies."

The magistrate sent for the master of the workhouse, and the several persons implicated, and they confirming the poor printer's story, he was discharged; but Mr. Minshull admonished the master not to let the lamplighter's ladder be used in the same way again, even though he should be obliged to carry it into his own bed-chamber.

MOLLY LOWE.

The following very touching instance of the irresistible force of love was brought under the notice of the magistrate some time in the winter of the years 1823 and 1824.

There lives in the Strand--or there did live at the time above-mentioned--a very respectable young tradesman, whose name has nothing at all to do with this affair;--let it suffice, that he occupied a large and lofty house; and being a bachelor, he employed a housekeeper, whose name was Molly Lowe; and this Molly Lowe is the heroine of our story.

Molly Lowe, then, is a woman of staid and serious demeanour; plain in her person, neat in her dress, past forty, and a spinster. For these reasons, all and sundry, her young master placed implicit confidence in her, and gave up the entire management of his household affairs to her direction. In his opinion Molly Lowe was an immaculate matron, and full proof against every thing--except superfine souchong, with the least drop of brandy in the world in it. But this opinion of his was a very fallacious one,--neither man nor woman, be their age and uprightness what it may, can ever be proof against love. And so it turned out in this instance--

"For Love, the disturber of high and of low, Who shoots at the peasant as well as the beau,"

The master had little faith in this epistle; for, as he said, the thing was so improbable; and he was half inclined to think that Mr. Microscopicus was either some meddling methodistical miscreant, or some discarded lover of Molly's youthful days. But well knowing that nothing is impossible, and that more unlikely matrons than Molly have been entangled in the toils of love, he put the epistle in his pocket, and determined to keep a sharp look-out on Molly's movements in future.

The enamoured drummer seemed quite dumbfounded by the catastrophe; he attempted no defence; and, as Molly's master was by no means satisfied with her matronly account of the matter, the poor youth--all reeking from his hot bed, was handed over to a constable who shut him up for the night in the cold and comfortless watch-house. Oh! what a miserable Molly must Molly Lowe have been that night!

In the morning the drummer was brought before the magistrate, to whom all these matters were related; and the constable added, that the drummer had confessed to him that he had often been to drink tea and sup with Molly Lowe; that she was over head-and-ears in love with him; that she had bought him a watch, with gold chain and seals, and had given him more than three pounds in money; and that she had assured him she was indeed his own cousin, by her sister-in-law's side, only seven times removed; but of that he knew nothing, having never heard of her till she met him one Sunday evening and asked him to come to tea.

Her master replied that she was not--as he meant to content himself with discharging her from his service. He was not aware that he had been actually robbed, either by her or her young admirer; but he had brought the youth before his worship, because he thought he deserved some punishment for his impudent intrusion.

The magistrate said, he thought Molly was the most deserving of punishment; but he asked the poor lad what he had to say to it.

He replied, that Mrs. Lowe asked him to come to see her, and he went; that she was very kind to him, and gave him tea and things up stairs; and that he was very glad when they came and pulled him out of the dirty clothes, for he had been under them more than two hours.

A WEARY BENEDICT.

A weary Benedict of this latter class--a large middle-aged man, of lachrymose physiognomy, respectful demeanour, and decent attire, presented himself before the magistrate, one gloomy December morning, to request some relief from his wedded woes. He had waited more than two hours among the crowd at the lower end of the office, whilst the ordinary business was going on without manifesting the slightest impatience; and when the hurry and bustle was over, he sedately approached the table, and told the magistrate, in a confidential under-tone, that he wished to consult him on a subject of the utmost importance--

"Speak out, Sir!" said the magistrate, "I am ready to hear you."

"Well, Sir, and what of that?" said his worship.--"So much the better for you, if you have a good wife."

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