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Read Ebook: Mr. Punch on Tour: The Humour of Travel at Home and Abroad by Hammerton J A John Alexander Editor
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Ebook has 93 lines and 12797 words, and 2 pages
PATRON SAINT OF MESSRS. COOK.--St. Martin of "Tours."
BY THE SILVER SEA
DRAINSMOUTH.
This popular health resort is now filled to over-flowing. The entertainments on the pier include animated photographs of a procession to the Woking Crematorium, and other cheerful and interesting subjects. The smells of the harbour may still be enjoyed to perfection at low water.
SHRIMPLEY.
The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the Town Council issuing an order that nobody is to bathe at all. A decision so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give satisfaction to all except the captious. Professor De Bach, with his performing dogs, gives an exhibition twice each day at the Pier Pavilion.
LODGINGTON-ON-SEA.
Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather disappointed when they get it. The Simperton-Swaggeringtons arrived yesterday, travelling first-class from the junction, two miles off . This has excited some unfavourable comment in the town.
SMELLINGTON-SUPER-MARE.
Large numbers of tripp--visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their small change, especially when left lying about on the mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write, twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of nigger minstrels and four blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day passing without at least two street rows between inebriated excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no "option," and that all sentences for assaults in the streets will be with hard labour.
WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.
I am an unadventurous man, And always go upon the plan Of shunning danger where I can.
And so I fail to understand Why every year a stalwart band Of tourists go to Switzerland,
And spend their time for several weeks, With quaking hearts and pallid cheeks, Scaling abrupt and windy peaks.
In fact, I'm old enough to find Climbing of almost any kind Is very little to my mind.
Why leave the hospitable plain And scale Mont Blanc with toil and pain Merely to scramble down again?
Some men pretend they think it bliss To clamber up a precipice Or dangle over an abyss,
To crawl along a mountain side, Supported by a rope that's tied, --Not too securely--to a guide;
But such pretences, it is clear, In the aspiring mountaineer Are usually insincere.
And many a climber, I'll be bound, Whom scarped and icy crags surround, Wishes himself on level ground.
So I, for one, do not propose, To cool my comfortable toes In regions of perpetual snows,
As long as I can take my ease, Fanned by a soothing southern breeze, Under the shade of English trees.
And anyone who leaves my share Of English fields and English air May take the Alps for aught I care!
SPORT MOST APPROPRIATE TO THE LOCALITY.--Shooting pigeons at Monte Carlo.
THE CRY OF THE HOLIDAY-LOVING CLERK.--"Easterward Ho!"
A DISH THAT DISAGREES WITH MOST PERSONS WHEN TRAVELLING.--The Chops of the Channel.
THE GREATEST BORE IN CREATION.--The Simplon Tunnel.
TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS
Toddlekins is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the purpose. He is anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense of a return ticket would be saved.
Whether the pavements are stone or asphalte.
What is the mean temperature, the annual rain-fall, and the death-rate.
What are the Rector's "views," and if there is a comfortable pew in the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven.
What time the shops at Poppleton close on Saturdays.
PICNIC-PARTY.--You have my full sympathy. It is most churlish of riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property. Fancy any one objecting to having his lawn covered with broken bottles and paper bags!
OWNER.--I feel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river invade riverside gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of glass they leave about must be a gross disfigurement to your lawn.
A MOUNTAIN RAMBLER
A COWES WEEK EXPERIENCE
AN UNCONGENIAL SPOT FOR TEETOTALERS.--Barmouth.
A MAN WHO BEATS ABOUT THE BUSH.--An Australian.
HOLIDAY FARE IN CORNWALL
A Roll on the billow, A Loaf by the shore, A Fig for fashion, And Cream galore!
WHERE THE FELLAH'S SHOE PINCHES.--Where the corn used to be--in Egypt.
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
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