Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 108 June 29 1895 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

Font size: 10 px 15 px 20 px 25 px 30 px 35 px

Background color: BlackWhiteGrayLight GrayDark GrayDim Gray

Text color: BlackWhiteGrayLight GrayDark GrayDim Gray

Apply/Save settings

Ebook has 618 lines and 13139 words, and 13 pages

ave everything."

"True, TOBEE," said the grandfather of our kings-to-be and of other people's. And for a moment the royal brow was "sicklied o'er with pale cast of thought."

It cleared as he caught sight of our two rival Kodakesses, who had simultaneously got him in focus. Pretty to see King arrange his hair, give little twist to moustache, and assume look of abstraction, just as common people do when they suspect someone is taking a snap-shot at them. As SARK says, "One snap of the Kodak makes the whole world kin."

Oddly enough, there were speeches at the luncheon. Mr. G. having got his hand in at mouth of the Elbe, delivered two charming addresses. One in proposing health of King and Queen of DENMARK, the other in responding to toast to his own health, given by King. A new thing this for Old Parliamentary Hand to serve as after-dinner speaker. Listening to his graceful, gracious phrases, one almost regrets he should have given up so much time to Irish Land Bills, Home Rule, and the like.

After luncheon a stroll on deck, and, incidentally, a memorable scene. In addition to the Kodakesses, who have taken everyone on board, except each other, we have a regular artist with a camera. Don CURRIE, having a moment to spare, thought he would have his likeness taken. Got into position; operator's head under the cloth fixing him; in another moment it would have been done. As SHAKSPEARE wrote long ago, "Nothing escapes the eye of royal Denmark." The King, seeing what was going on, quietly led up the Queen, and stood by her in focus; the rest of the Royal Family, as our toast lists have it, closed in, forming a group near the Don; and when the astonished operator removed the cap and exposed the plate he found upon it the Royal Family of Denmark and one simple Highland gentleman distinguished in such company by his plain estate.

In afternoon, Don CURRIE having entertained Kings and Queens and Crown Princes, threw open all the gangways of the ship to the people of Copenhagen. They flocked in by hundreds, increasing to thousands. In endless streams they passed along the decks peering and poking their noses into every nook and cranny. On upper deck they had a great find. Sitting in his state cabin, with door open, was Mr. G. reading about the Vikings in their own tongue, which he has lately added to his list of acquired foreign languages. The Danes, men, women, and children, stood there at gaze. Mr. G., with his back turned to door, read on, unnoticing. Crowd growing unmanageable with ever-increasing numbers, a handy quartermaster rigged out ropes, and made sort of handrail, guarding either side of cabin, keeping back crowd. But it filled the deck all through the afternoon, ever changing, but ever one in its passionate, yet patient desire to catch a glimpse of that figure in the cabin, that went on reading as if the world outside were a mere wilderness.

SIR CHARLES HALLE'S CHOIR PICNIC. FINAL REHEARSAL and for TICKETS at Messrs. &c.

How is a picnic rehearsed?

THE LEADING MOTIVE OF THE "W. O.," WITH VARIATIONS.

MRS. R. ON THE POLITICAL SITUATION.--"What's this I hear about Mr. G.?" inquired Mrs. R. "That he is returning to the House in town, and giving up his Villiers in the country?"

ARS EST CELARE NATURAM.

The German EMPEROR having expressed a wish to visit a non-existing island at Hamburg, the tasteful citizens have constructed one by means of wirework, canvas, plaster, and cement.

It is stated that the SULTAN is bored by the Bosphorus. The whole surface of the water will therefore be covered with planks, painted green, to represent meadows.

The KING of the BELGIANS is said to have remarked that Brussels would be improved by a distant view of the sea. The municipal authorities propose to cover the high ground, seen from the palace windows, with tin-foil. It is hoped that this will give the effect of the sea gleaming in the sunshine.

The KHEDIVE has expressed an opinion that the Pyramids look old and shabby. If the English and French government will authorise the expenditure, the whole surface of the stone will be made perfectly smooth, will be painted and grained in imitation of oak, and will finally be varnished. The face of the Sphinx will be washed, and will then be used for an advertisement of an English soap. The enormous rent paid for this will be added to the KHEDIVE'S pocket money.

The Queen of HOLLAND is dissatisfied with the flat surroundings of the Hague. It has been pointed out to HER MAJESTY that the city contains a hill, called, we believe, the Vijverberg, which rises at least three feet above the level of the sea, but she has replied that this is not enough. It is therefore proposed to surround the whole city with a gigantic panorama of the Bernese Oberland.

The other day the King of SPAIN perceived a reflection of the moon in a pond, and was much annoyed when his attendants failed to bring it to him. It has now been arranged that all the ponds in the neighbourhood shall contain an aluminium moon, which can be pulled out by a specially appointed Grandee of Spain, if commanded by HIS MAJESTY.

"B-O-M-B--BOMB!"

"A hundred pounds! Ha! Thou hast touched me nearly."

The Witness Protection Society and General Legal Reform Union has been holding its Annual General Meeting. Among the numerous objects of this estimable body the chief appears to be to protect witnesses in law courts from insult by counsel. Captain PARKIS, having expressed himself as willing, was voted to the chair, and the members settled down to have a good time. "Heated discussion," "further disturbance," and a well-sustained fire of "protests," lent an air of gaiety to the proceedings, which culminated in "various gentlemen abusing one another across the table." With such excellent practice, the members of the W. P. S. G. L. R. U. should be able to hold their own in court. The Bar trembles. Even the Bench feels a little uneasy.

L-CKW-D, no longer drawing, will be drawn, Even the piercing eye of CL-RKE will quail, C-RS-N be "spacheless," G-LL will almost fawn, And sturdy W-BST-R falter and turn pale, Because the witness, taking heart of grace, Will "go for him" with candour strangely new, And brandish, cross-examined, in his face The W. P. S. G. L. R. U.!

"MEMORABLE SAYINGS AND HISTORICAL EVENTS."--There must now be added to the long list Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT'S languidly jocose remark on Friday night last. "Thank Heaven," he is reported to have said, "there is one night on which we need not fear a crisis." And while yet the laugh was on their lips, the bells rang, and subsequently the Four Tellers announced what could not have been Fore-told. And who laughs last?

ROUNDABOUT READINGS.

Messrs. ARKWRIGHT, CUNLIFFE, and WARNER have received their blues from the Captain of the Oxford University Eleven. In other words, these gentlemen will help to represent their University in the cricket match against Cambridge. My congratulations, though they come late, are none the less hearty and sincere. Can any years of success in after life efface the memory or outrival the delight of that crowded moment of glorious life which comes to a young man when his Captain tells him he may get his blue? Thenceforward he is made one with the great company of old blues, who year by year meet and exchange reminiscences, the honour of his University is in his hands, his father becomes less rigorous in his financial views, and his mother is confirmed in her opinion that her darling is the brightest and best and handsomest of created beings. These keen joys come but once in a lifetime, and only to a few.

That man's a good bat who can time, judge, and mark right The ball as it flies from the right hand of ARKWRIGHT. And the Oxford men cheer as they see the stumps fall When the Magdalen bowler delivers the ball. "My team," said G. MORDAUNT, "requires only one lift; If I get it the Cantabs may go and be Cunliffed." And I think he was wise in awarding, don't you, To this tricky left-handed young bowler his blue. And lastly the Captain, he put in his thumb, For he very much wanted to pull out a plum: "I have it," he cried, like a modern Jack Horner, And he promptly scored one as he pulled out Plum WARNER.

But the ways of stories are at all times inscrutable. I have myself--I confess it without a blush--deliberately invented and spread abroad a story about a semi-public dinner. I did so merely because it struck me as containing elements of humour. Besides, it not only might have happened, but ought to have happened. A year or two later six gentlemen, who had been present when the incident did not occur, related it back to me, each one with a little special embellishment of his own. Some of them were magistrates, most of them were fathers of families, and all were honourable men. Yet they were all prepared to stake their reputations on the absolute veracity of this myth; and, what is even more curious, they retailed it to its inventor and disseminator.

Lytham is troubled. I read that "the musical attractions at the Pier Pavilion have been fairly patronised, and dancing on the pier is to be resumed." This latter attraction, it appears, has not met with the entire approval of the Lytham people, who contend that it will bring Lytham into disrepute. "The Ratepayers' Association have had the matter under consideration, and have disclaimed any connection with the innovation. The directors, however, have had the question under discussion, and have decided to continue the dancing."

Said the pier-man to the tourist, "Lo, the tide is flowing free; Won't you come and join the dancers in our Temple by the sea? See how mazily the Harries and the Harriets advance, Will you won't you, will you won't you, won't you join the dance?

"We have cornets, flutes and fiddles, and we always play in time, And the triangles at intervals triangularly chime. Hark, the bold bassoon is booming, every dancer gets a chance, Come and trip it, pretty tourist, in our gay Pavilion dance."

And the ratepayers considered it, and angrily replied, "There is another shore, you know, upon the other side: Take your dancers far from England, take them bodily to France; We disclaim the least connection, and we will not join your dance."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

"The mighty shadow of the ocean night was majestic and awful, with the wild, flashful colouring of lightning in the south, and the dustlike multitude of stars over the three glooming spires of our ship."

THE B. DE B.-W.

"N.B."--Glasgow will have to look after its parks. Here is the Town Council actually dreaming of "feuing" some of "the recently-acquired Camphill grounds" for building purposes! These grounds belong to the people, and adjoin the South Side Park, and "the amenity of that park would be destroyed" by building operations. One protester says South Side Park is the prettiest in Glasgow, and "more like the London parks, which I regard as the finest in the kingdom." Thanks, worthy Scot! The view of it, "as seen through the railings in the Pollokshaws Road," reminds him of "the fine view of Hyde Park which is to be had through the railing in that busy and lovely thoroughfare--Oxford Street." Thanks again, thrice worthy Pict! But Oxford Street a "lovely thoroughfare"--well! At any rate, the Glasgow Bailies when next they are disposed to "feu," should think of the "Many" instead.

RHYME FOR RECORD-MAKERS.

Rattle-it, rattle-it, "Biking" man; Make us a "record" as fast as you can; Score it, and print it as large as life, And someone will "cut" it ere you can say knife!

DR. W. GRACE'S FAVOURITE DISH.--"Batter pudding."

MERRY MAY OUR KIEL GROW!

As I sailed through the Baltic, The Baltic, the Baltic, As I sailed through the Baltic, I heard a German sing, O! "Merry may our Kiel grow, Our Kiel grow, our Kiel grow, With ships from sea to sea, O!

"The Vaterland reposes, As though on beds of roses, Whilst we hold up our noses, Among the Naval Powers, O! Merry may our Kiel grow, &c.

"The Frank desires to mizzle, His Panama's a fizzle. BULL, in his land of drizzle, Is jealous as cm be, O! But merry may our Kiel grow, &c."

CHATS WITH THE CHILDREN.

A COMIC RAILWAY JOURNEY.

SERIES TO SUCCEED "THE PENNY POETS."--"The Tuppenny-Ha'penny Poetasters." To include the lays of the Logrollerites, and the leading aspirants to the Laureateship.

ENCORE VERSE.

There has been much excitement in Sheffield about the School Board. The unsectarian party had a chance of converting a minority of one into a majority of the same extent, owing to the retirement of one Church member, and the serious illness of another, Father BURKE, who was thereby prevented from attending the Board meeting for the election of a new member. Mr. CHARLES HOBSON, however, refused to take advantage of an accident to reverse for the next two years and a half the policy of the Board laid down by a majority of the ratepayers, and chose what he considered the better part of pairing with Father BURKE. Therefore was the chairman enabled to give a casting vote in favour of the Church candidate. But "Hobson's Choice" has not pleased his candid friends, who think, and say, that it is "not war," nor even magnificent. The blades must needs keep up the credit of their native place by making cutting remarks. They come from Sheffield.

Who Threw It?

Joy in the Church, confusion in the chapel, And contradictory clamour everywhere! It may be questioned if the Eris-apple Gendered more strife than "Mr. GLADSTONE'S Pair."

"? bas the Club Sweep," 253

A-dress by Mr. Speaker, 232

Share on: WhatsApp @Hash Facebook Tweet