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Read Ebook: That Reminds Me: A Collection of Tales Worth Telling by Anonymous Compiler
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Ebook has 841 lines and 29778 words, and 17 pages
Then followed a look of contempt from the youngest of the party. "Hugh," she exclaimed, "every package that comes to our house is marked C.O.D."
Thomas Barry, a Boston lawyer, was recently examining an Irish witness in a municipal court in a suit having to do with an accident on the street cars. Here is a fragment of the information elicited by the lawyer's advice that the witness give an account of the disaster in his own words.
"Well, the man fell in th' str-reet as' the car-r passed; thin th' car-r stopped, an' we all ran out. The cr-rowd gathered ar-round th' man and shouted: 'He's kilt; he's kilt!' Thin Oi jumped in, pulled a dozen of the spalpeens out uv th' way and yells at 'em: 'Yez thick-heads, yez! If the man's kilt why in Hivvin's name don't yez stand to one side and let him have a br-reath of air-r."
A well-known citizen of Baltimore was recently spending a few days with his wife at Atlantic City. When he seated himself in the dining-room on the evening of his arrival he discovered that he could not read the menu, as he had left his glasses in his room. His wife was in the same predicament, so calling a waiter he said:
"Read that to me and I will give you half a dollar."
Quick as a flash the waiter replied:
"'Scuse me, boss, but I ain't had much ejication maself!"
"Mary," said a lady to her cook, "I must insist that you keep better hours and that you have less company in the kitchen at night. Last night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of one of your women friends."
"Yis, mum, I know," was the reply; "but she couldn't help it. I was tellin' her how you tried to make cake one day."
One evening as the mother of a little niece of Phillips Brooks was tucking her snugly into bed, the maid stepped in and said there was a caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes. The caller remained only a short time and when the mother went up-stairs again, she asked the little girl if she had done as she was bidden.
"Yes, mamma, I did and I didn't," she said.
"What do you mean by that, dear?"
"Well, mamma, I was awfully sleepy so I just asked God if He wouldn't excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'"
Senator Quay was fond of telling a story of an experience of his in a country hotel near Pittsburg.
Hanging on the wall in the parlor was an inscription, "Ici on parle Fran?ais." The Senator noted the sign and turning to the landlord said, "Do you speak French?"
"No," the man replied, "United States will do for me."
"Well, then," said Quay, "why do you have that notice on the wall? That means, 'French is spoken here.'"
"Well, I'll be blamed!" ejaculated the hotel-keeper. "A young chap sold that to me for 'God bless our home.'"
"Not good on passenger trains."
A young lady was entertaining callers one evening when her little sister came down the stairway in a noisy manner. "Frances," said the annoyed elder sister, "you came down-stairs so that you could be heard all over the house. Now, go back and come down properly."
Frances retired, and in a few minutes reentered the parlor.
"Did you hear me come down-stairs this time, Marjie?" asked the little girl anxiously.
"No, dear; this time you came down like a lady."
"Yes'm," explained Frances, exhibiting some pride and satisfaction in her performance, "this time I slid down the banisters."
A dispute arose on a train one election day as to who would be elected Governor of Pennsylvania. One man stoutly maintained that Pattison would be elected, while another said Pennypacker would receive an immense majority. An Irishman on the train offered twenty-five dollars on the first-named candidate.
"You're both mistaken," said a religious-looking man after the discussion had gone on for some time.
"Bedad! who will be Governor, thin?" asked the Celt.
"The Lord," said the old man solemnly. "He will be Governor of Pennsylvania."
There was silence for a moment, and then the Celt shouted out:
"Begorry, an' I bet you twenty-five dollars that He don't carry Pittsburg."
A teacher in one of our city schools defined conscience as "something within you that tells you when you have done wrong."
"Oh, yes," said a little lad at the end of the room, "I had it once last summer after I'd eaten green apples, but they had to send for a doctor."
A number of salesmen were discussing the subject of traveling through the South.
"I have often wondered," said one of them, "how those boys, who take your hats in the dining-rooms of southern hotels and place them in a rack without checks know which hat to give you. If thought I would try and fool one. One day when I had finished lunch, and the boy had handed me my hat, I tried it on and pretended it was a misfit.
"'This is not my hat,' I said, but he was ready with his answer.
"'Dat may not be youah hat, sah,' he replied calmly, 'but it am de hat what you gib me when you come in.'"
An Irishman walked into a men's furnishing goods store the other day and said:
"Oi want to get somethin' fer mournin' wear, but Oi don't know exactly what the coostom is. What do they be wearin' now fer mournin'?"
"It depends," explained the salesman, "on how near the relative is for whom you wish to show this mark of respect. For a very near relative, you should have an all black suit. For some one not so near you may have a broad band of black on the left arm or a somewhat narrower one for somebody more distant."
"Och! is that it? Well, thin, gimme a shoe string. It's me woife's mither."
A practical joker of New York City tells this story upon himself, and declares that the experience cured him of his bad habit:
On my arrival at San Francisco, as a joke I sent to a friend of mine at home, well known for his aversion to spending money, a telegram, with charges to collect, reading, "I am perfectly well."
The information evidently was gratifying to him, for about a week after sending the telegram an express package was delivered at my room, on which I paid four dollars for charges. Upon opening the package I found a large New York street paving block, on which was pasted a card, which read, "This is the weight your recent telegram lifted from my heart."
Two Celts who had been backsliding in their religious duties, had taken the pledge and were trying to summon sufficient courage to attend church. Each disliked the idea of going because of the gossip it would create, so they agreed to be present at the same service on the principle that misery loves company.
"But, Casey," asked one, "how am Oi to know if yez be there?"
"Why, Patr-rick, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll make a chalk mar-rk on the wall beside th' dure."
"A good plan, faith," said Patrick; "an' Casey, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll rub the mar-rk out so that yez'll know."
This is submitted as an ideal example of the Irish "bull":
Roger: "Timothy, yez is dr-unk."
Timothy: "Roger, Oi'm not--an' if 'Oi was sober-r yez would not dare to say so."
Roger: "An' Timothy, if yez was sober-r yez'd have sinse enough to know ye wuz dr-runk."
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