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Read Ebook: The Comic Almanack Volume 1 An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest Containing Merry Tales Humerous Poetry Quips and Oddities by Beckett Gilbert Abbott Mayhew Henry Mayhew Horace Smith Albert Thackeray William Makepeace Cruikshank George Illustrator
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NOTICE PRELIMINARY THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1835. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1836. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1837. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1838. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1839. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1840. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1841. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1842. THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1843.
PRELIMINARY
THE "Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive, they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the varied excellences of his marvellous power.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1835.
PRELUDIUM.
ASS-TROLOGICAL PREDICTIONS.
I now proceed to put on my conjuring cap, and shew forth the wonders of the stars.
Footnote 1:
THE GREAT COMET.
Hereafter do follow sundry matters, both pleasant and profitable.
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
HUMBUGGUM ASTROLOGICUM, PRO ANNO 1835.
COURTEOUS READER,
MY GRANDMOTHER'S LAMENT; or, THE SETTLING DAY.
It was a drear November morn; the rain was pouring fast; I underneath a gateway stood, in hopes it would not last; And forthwith I began to muse, and to myself did say: I hope the rain will soon give o'er, for this is "SETTLING DAY."
The rain clear'd off, and gladsomely I did prepare to go, When up there came an Ancient Dame with visage full of woe: She laid on me her skinny hand, and mournfully did say: "To my lament you must give ear, altho' 'tis 'SETTLING DAY.'"
"Good lady," I began to say, "my time is very short,"-- And fain I would have slipp'd away, but she my button caught. "Oh! listen to your Grandmother! for she has much to say,"--
"From morn till eve I wander forth; I roam like one distraught; "Which ever way I turn my eyes, with ruin it is fraught. "The good old times are quite forgot; all things do fade away; "And when I mourn, the people laugh, and cry: ''tis SETTLING DAY.'
"'Twas in the Commons House I sat, when Billy Pitt was young; "I listen'd to his twelve-hour speech, and blest his fluent tongue. "They us'd to sit from night till morn; and how they talk'd away! "But now they sit from morn till night: oh! what a 'SETTLING DAY!'
"They've London pull'd about one's ears; 'tis London now no more; "They've swallow'd up poor Swallow Street; behind is now before; "They've metamorphos'd Charing Cross; the Mews has pass'd away, "And Lewkner's Lane I seek in vain: 't has had its 'SETTLING DAY.'
"Another thing doth sorrow bring, and maketh me to fret; "They talk about abolishing Imprisonment for Debt; "And next, alas! the time may come, there'll be no costs to pay, "For ev'ry man will get his own upon the 'SETTLING DAY.'
"I mind me, when a little girl, I travell'd once to York; "And slow and stately did we ride; it was a three days' work; "But now they do it all by steam, so very fast, they say, "To Brummagem you'll go, and back, in half a 'SETTLING DAY.'
"I heard them talk, awhile agone, about an air-balloon, "To come from France, and carry us a journey to the moon. "When folks become so impious, our duty 'tis to pray, "That such presumptuous doings soon may meet a 'SETTLING DAY.'
"That horrid March of Intellect has prov'd a perfect bore; "I fear it killed poor St. John Long: his rubbing days are o'er; "But 'twas a gracious sight to see his funeral array, "And lords and ladies join the train, upon his 'SETTLING DAY.'
"They've made the babes at infant schools so very wise indeed, "That they can read before they speak, and write before they read: "They're wiser than their grandmothers! you hear the people say, "I can't survive this awful shock;--this cruel 'SETTLING DAY.'"
While thus the crone did make her moan, I pitied her full sore, And much I strove to comfort her, when she had given o'er; I begg'd of her to list to me, and I'd be bound to say, Some snug abuses I would find, without a "SETTLING DAY."
For dirty courts and narrow lanes, I told her not to fret; To 'mind us of the good old times, there was a plenty yet: At East and West, 'mong gents and cits, there's many a crooked way, And holes and corners dark enough, without a "SETTLING DAY."
I bade her look at Temple Bar,--that venerable pile; Its mould'ring stones and rotten gates, and then she gave a smile She thought upon the bleeding heads, and plaintively did say: "I hope for that dear obstacle there'll be no 'SETTLING DAY.'"
Tho' St. John Long is gone,--that curer of all ills,-- We still have modest Morison's fam'd Vegetable Pills; Then think upon the Pension List, where stand, in grand array, A splendid train, who take their cash on ev'ry "SETTLING DAY."
I own'd that, for the London Cries, we now must ring a knell: But if we've lost the 'Sweep soot-ho!' we've got the dustman's bell; Tho' in the street, it is not meet that folks should preach or pray; Yet Punch may bawl, and singers squall, without a "SETTLING DAY."
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
There were several other articles of less value, all of which will be restored, to the right owners, on application to the Mansion House.
PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES.
A new mode of raising the wind was also communicated to this society by Jeremy Diddler, Esq.; a very useful invention for broken-down gamblers, ruined spendthrifts, insolvent tradesmen, and 'Change Alley waddlers.
A successful method of converting stones into bread has been transmitted to the New Poor Law Commissioners, and a three-and-sixpenny medal presented to the ingenious discoverer thereof.
A laborious investigator has discovered that there are exactly nine millions, one hundred and sixty-four thousand, five hundred and thirty-three hairs on a tom-cat's tail, which he defies all the zoologists in Europe to disprove. He also maintains that a bull sees with its horns, and a rat with its tail, although he admits the possibility of their doing so without them.
It was stated at the last meeting of this institution, that one of its members had observed a tremendous water-spout from one of the plugs in Thames Street; and sensible shocks of an earthquake had been felt at Puddle-dock.
THE "WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS."
Pare the nails of one that hath the Quartan Ague, which, being put into a linen cloth, and so tied about the neck of a quick eel, and the same eel put into the water, thereby the ague will be driven away.
It is certainly and constantly affirmed, that on Midsummer eve there is found under the root of mugwort a coal which preserves and keeps safe from the plague, carbuncle, lightning, the quartan ague, and from burning, them that bear the same about them: and Mizaldus, the writer hereof, saith that he doth hear that it is to be found the same day under the root of plantane; which I know to be of truth, for I have found them the same day under the root of plantane. It is to be found at noon.
If one do buy Warts of them that have them, and give them a pin therefor, if the party that hath the warts prick the same pin in some garment that he wears daily and commonly, the wart or warts, without doubt, will diminish and wear away privily, and be clear gone in a short time.
If you take an oak apple from an oak tree, and in the same you shall find a little worm, which if it doth fly away, it signifies wars; if it creeps, it betokens scarcity of corn; if it run about, then it foreshews the plague.
Whosoever eateth two walnuts, two figs, twenty leaves of rue, and one grain of salt, all stamped and mixed together, fasting, shall be safe from poison or plague that day; which antidote King Mithridates had used so much, that when he drank poison purposely to kill himself, it could not hurt him.
Before death this is a sign, if the tears run down of a man's right eye, and a woman's left eye.
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
GEORGE GREENHORN, Secretary.
THE GARDENER'S CALENDAR.
DIARY.
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
The following are selected out of several millions of cases, furnished by a single agent, in a most sensible letter, to prove the never-to-be-enough-wondered-at wonderful efficacy of the Hy-gee-wo-ian Medicines.
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