Read Ebook: The Comic Almanack Volume 1 An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest Containing Merry Tales Humerous Poetry Quips and Oddities by Beckett Gilbert Abbott Mayhew Henry Mayhew Horace Smith Albert Thackeray William Makepeace Cruikshank George Illustrator

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The following are selected out of several millions of cases, furnished by a single agent, in a most sensible letter, to prove the never-to-be-enough-wondered-at wonderful efficacy of the Hy-gee-wo-ian Medicines.

MOST RESPECTED SIR,

Being clearly convinced, from a proper use of my reasoning faculties, that it is perfectly consistent with probability and good sense to believe that one medicine, made of I don't know what, by I don't know who, is certain to cure every disorder, and is equally efficacious in all ages and constitutions, from the infant of a week old, to the old man of eighty; and being, moreover, equally well convinced that it is quite unreasonable to place any sort of trust or dependence on the prescriptions of men of scientific education, who have merely devoted their whole lives to the medical profession;--and, further, being struck with the astounding fact, and exceeding likelihood, that an universal panacea could only be reserved for those who are quite innocent of all medical knowledge, and whose perfect disinterestedness is manifested by their being contented with the trifling remuneration derived from the credulity of the British public;--I say, Sir, for all these reasons I have become a zealous advocate of the Hy-gee-wo-ian medicines.

Having been appointed your agent, and, therefore, influenced, like yourself, by the most disinterested motives, I make it a point to recommend them on all occasions, and always in sufficiently large doses, on which I observe you lay peculiar stress; and very justly: for does it not follow, as a matter of course, that if six pills do a certain quantity of good, six thousand must, as a natural consequence, do six thousand times as much more good, and the patient must be six thousand times the better for them? There are some censorious folks who insinuate that the more pills I sell the more money I get by them; but I need not assure you that, in this respect, my motives are quite as disinterested as your own.

Yours ever to command, FRANCIS FLEECE'EM.

ONERR'D SUR,

This hear kums 2 akwaint you that havein lost my happytight i tuk to takein your Morising Pils witch i only begun with takein 5 hundred hat a time witch had the blessed defect of turnin me inside out and I felt in a wery pekooliar citywation witch discurraged me 2 parsewere and i tuk 1 thousen hat a doze by witch I was turned outside in by witch my happytight was kwite discuvvered witch was a grate blessin for my whife who is bigg in the famylyar way with 12 smal childern with grate happytights all threw your pils and I ham now Abel to wurk and yarn my 12 shillin a weak So no more hat presnt from your

umbel Serv't to command GREGORY GUDGEON.

No. 9, Nobody-knows-where Street, Jericho, Feb. the 32nd, 1836.

SIR,

A most respectable friend of mine, at the suggestion of a worthy magistrate of Surrey, felt himself constrained to take steps for his improvement at that celebrated place of fashionable resort, Brixton Tread Mill.

For a considerable period he was greatly delighted with this elegant mode of recreation; and was much struck with the ingenuity of an invention by which a person might walk fifty or sixty miles a day, without the inconvenience of changing the scene. But, somehow or other, being a man of very ardent temperament, he entered so much into the spirit of the amusement that--but I scarcely know how to describe it, lest I should be suspected of exaggeration, a fault I hold in the greatest abhorrence--in short, we have all of us heard of pedestrians, after a hard day's travel, complain of having nearly walked their feet off; but my unfortunate friend literally did so; and so intent was he on his salubrious pastime that he kept walking on upon his bare stumps; nor would it have been discovered, had not his feet, on finding that they had no longer the power of motion, determined that nothing else should have that power; and spitefully stopped the mill, by getting entangled in the machinery.

As to the inconvenience of the matter in the ordinary business of life, my respected friend seems to think that it can make but little difference, as he has always gone backward all his life-time; indeed, it is a question with him whether it is not an advantage; as, instead of mixing in mobs and frays, as he was very much in the habit of doing, his feet will now carry him in a clean contrary direction, quite out of harm's way.

I remain, respected Sir, Your gullible Servant, GILES GOSLING.

No. 1, Find-it-out-if-you-can Lane, No-where Street.

SIR,

I beg to inform you that a poor man was blown to atoms by the explosion of the Powder Mills on Hounslow Heath. His affectionate wife, who happened to be passing at the time, carefully picked up the fragments, and placed them together; and, by administering a dose of the Universal Medicine, he was able to walk home, and eat a hearty dinner of bacon and cabbage.

Your obedient Servant, GILES GAMMON.

No. 1, Blarneygig Place, Salisbury Plain, next door to Stonehenge.

VALEDICTION.

Farewell, my merry gentlemen,--let nothing you dismay; But take good heart, for tho' we part, we'll meet another day; I hope, next year, when, never fear, I'll have enough to say, And bring tidings of comfort and joy.

To start fair game has been my aim, and make imposture smart; To raise a laugh at many a calf the object of my heart, And "shoot at Folly as she flies," and fix her with my dart; And it's all for your comfort and joy.

Now don't despise my prophecies, and think 'em only jokes, They're just as true, I promise you, as those of other folks; And while old MOORE is such a bore, 'tis harmless sure to hoax, For it's all for your comfort and joy.

Now let not those who've 'scaped my blows believe that I am fickle, For many a "Pure," who looks demure, I've put a rod in pickle, And if I'm here another year their backs I'll smartly tickle, So there's tidings of comfort and joy.

WHILE WE VENERATE WHAT IS DESERVING OF VENERATION, LET US NOT FORGET, THAT QUACKERY, KNAVERY, BIGOTRY, AND SUPERSTITION, ALWAYS MERIT EXPOSURE AND CASTIGATION.

THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1836.

PROCLAMATION.

RIGDUM FUNNIDOS.

SLANGOLOGY.

Paragraphs Extraordinary.

ACCIDENTS.--We are happy to state that there is a great diminution in the number of accidents in the past week. Only 250 persons have been drowned by steam-boats; 320 women and children burnt to death by their clothes catching fire; 560 run over by omnibusses and cabs; 252 poisoned by taking oxalic acid instead of salts; 360 scalded to death by the bursting of steam-boilers; 200 blown to atoms by the explosion of powder-mills; and about 100--there or thereabouts--stabbed by drunken soldiers, off duty; all which evinces a great increase of vigilance, carefulness, and humanity, highly creditable to all parties concerned.

COURTEOUS READER,

I DO herewith, present thee with an hieroglyphic, after the accustomed usage of my lamented precursor and prototype, FRANCIS MOORE, defunct. It prefigureth a mighty change now lying in the womb of futurity, and which doubtless will be brought forth in due season by the great man-midwife, Time.

CANDID READER! Let thine own discretion decide, whether logical judgment or astro-logical fudgement be the art which influenceth my lucubrations.

INVITATION OF "THE SELECT" To Bartholomew Fair.

COME, buffers and duffers, and dashers and smashers, Come, tag, rag, and bobtail, attend to my call; Ye pickpockets, sally from court, lane, and alley, The LORD MAYOR in person has open'd the ball. Come, Billingsgate sinners, and cat and dog skinners, And play up a game to make Decency stare: A fig for propriety, sense, and sobriety! They never were known at fam'd BARTLEMY FAIR.

Come, nightmen and dustmen, and rovers and drovers; Come, Whitechapel butchers, and join in the throng! With marrow-bones and cleavers, delight the coal-heavers, While broken-nose Billy shall snuffle a song. Ye lazy mechanics, who dearly love one day, For wives and for children who never know care; Who reckon Saint Monday more holy than Sunday, Come and spend all your earnings at BARTLEMY FAIR.

Ye wives and ye widows! here's plenty of bidders; Come hither, and each get a swain for herself; To deck yourselves gaily, and grace the Old Bailey, The pawnbrokers' shops will lend plenty of pelf. Ye youth of the city! ye servant-maids pretty! Ye unmarried damsels with characters rare! Come here and be jolly, for virtue's a folly; So, come and be ruin'd at BARTLEMY FAIR.

"THE LAY OF THE LAST" ALDERMAN.

I was rous'd from my sleep by a frightful crash, As if all the crockery'd gone to smash; And I straight beheld a terrible form,-- At the end of the hall it took its stand, With a swingeing besom in its hand, And shouted out "REFORM!"

Thus having said his terrible say, The horrible spectre stalk'd away, And left me in the blues; And as across the Hall he pass'd, E'en Gog and Magog stood aghast, And trembled in their shoes.

Oh, dreadful night! Oh, fearful sight! To see that sight, and hear that say, An Alderman's soul it may well dismay. I felt as opprest With a pain in my chest, And as brimful of terror and ills, As if I had eaten some venison old, Or swallow'd a gallon of turtle cold, Or been poison'd by Morison's Pills.

A DRAMATIC FACT.

The potboy, being summoned, vowed That he had duly brought it, And, if to speak his mind he was allowed, He thought it Might have vanish'd, Being partly spirits,--like the witches, "'Tis false!" roared Higgs, "Avaunt! Be banish'd! Visit no more this realm of milk and honey! Base caitiff! YOU'VE ABSCONDED with the money!"

THE SERVANT OF ALL WORK.

"He HOOD if he could."

While I was meditating on its appearance, and admiring the extraordinary air of cleanliness which distinguished it from its neighbours, a paper parcel, tied round with thread, and sealed with a thimble, fell at my feet. I looked above and around me, but no one was visible; and conceiving it to be intended for myself, I picked it up, and walked on. At a favourable opportunity I opened it, and read as follows:--

"This cums Hopping that sum boddy in the Street Walking may pick me up and put me into the Square box at the Circling librey, the Place where the Post is. It is the haughty bioggrify of a unfortnit yung cretur who's in servis. Let the supperscripshun be to the Mournin Herald or the Currier or the Trew Son or the Stand Hard, or the Spekt Tatur, or any of 'em, for one's just as good as tother. I think the noospapers would take it inn, for they takes in a good many servants as wants places.

"My pappa was a Baker, and he meant I shuld be Bread up like a lady, for tho I was the least of the Batch, i was the Flour of the flock. But pappa Dying, i had to git my Living, for he didn't Roll in ritches, and his guds and chappels were Saddled with detts, witch Spurred me on to Bridel my greef, tho i seldom had a Bit in my mouth, wich was hard; and when our Blow got Wind, i lost my sweethart, wich Blow was Harder. He was sitch a nice yung man; and when i walkt past his Door, he used to prays my Gate, and tell me when we were marryd we should live in Stile. But I am Loth to say, he turned out a Willing, and wanted te tak advantidge of my citywashun. But I had 2 strings to my Beau in a yung mit-chipman, but he got prest and sent on board a Tender, witch was a grate Hard Shipp for him, and I felt it.

"But to cut a Long Tail Short,--when my dear Ben Bannister left me, miss fortin Staired me in the face, and every boddy turn'd their Backs on me, and I culd not bare such a Front, so i got a place as a servnt of all work, and my mind was maid up to be in duster house: but it was a Grate fall for me down into the Kitchen, tho when i got there i found a Grater; for my first missus was a Dresser, and often and often when I've bin all over greece she has calld me up to her Rome to help her on with her gownd, witch was very humblin to 1 as was used to have her own made to wait upon her. Butt i left her bekause we lived at a Fishmongers & itt Smelt so; and i had more than twenty Plaices in the first 12 months, wich Maid me quite Crabby, for I was going Backwards. But mississes are as proud as my lord Mare, and makes you work like an Horse; so I turned myself Out, for i culd not In-Door itt.

"I wont trubbel you with all my trubbels, but will skipp over the hole to give you my Last, wich dont Fit me at all; and its Jest no Joke, I can ashure you, for its like as if my 20 mississes was turnd into one. I've bin in the plaice almost a month, soe I have had a pritty gud experense.

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