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Read Ebook: Taking the Census: A Farce by Guptill Elizabeth F Elizabeth Frances
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Ebook has 97 lines and 8448 words, and 2 pages
MR. C. What is your name?
MRS. J. Missus Johnsing, ob co'se.
MR. C. What was your maiden name? I mean, before you were married.
MRS. J. Oh, I war Miss Birdie Apple-Blossom. I war de bell ob de ball when I war a gal.
MR. C. And where were you born?
MRS. J. In de no'f, sah, in Philadelphy, de yeah Mars Aberaham Lincum made de darkies free. Dat nex' summah, sah.
MR. C. What is your occupation?
MR. C. How many children?
MR. C. Six.
MRS. J. Nex' am de triplets, Pollyanna, Susieanna and Roxieanna, dey am at school jes' now, an' Birdena Philopena Maud, she am at school, too, an' dis yere pickaninny Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin'ton, who am at hum, caze he been a habin' de measles, an' I don' wan' him to study ontwell Ise shuah his eyes are strong 'nuff. Teachahs am drefful hahd on chillun's eyes. Now don' yo' go a-axin' how old all dem chillunses is, caze I dunno.
MR. C. Have you any property?
MRS. J. Is yo' all a tax-c'lectah?
MR. C. No.
MRS. J. Den it's none ob yo' bus'ness, an' Ise tiah'd ob ans'in' yo' foolish questions so yo' c'n jes' take yo' foot in yo' han' and go 'long.
MR. C. But my dear--
MRS. J. Don' yo' try to flirt wid me, you pasty-faced white man.
MR. C. I have no such intentions, but--
MRS. J. Den yo' was in earnest when yo' called me yo' deah? Yo' a-huntin' fo' a wife?
MR. C. No indeed, madam.
MRS. J. Yo' mahied?
MR. C. No, but--
MRS. J. Den it all right, deah. I axcep' yo'! Yo' is shuah a fine lookin' man, an' Ise proud to be yo' wife.
MR. C. But my dear madam--
MRS. J. Dat's so, Ise yo' deah, an' yo's mah honey. Let me hug yo' once.
MR. C. I must be going.
MRS. J. Don' yo' hurry, honey boy. I wants ter ax yo' some questions now. I'll sit in yo' lap while I does it.
MR. C. Excuse me, I see some one I must speak to.
MRS. J. Ha, ha, ha! Did yo' see me get rid ob dat fella wid his fool questions, Alexandah? Ho, ho, ho! As if I'd take a washed out white man in yo' deah daddy's shoes. Ho, ho, ho! He t'ought I was a-gwine ter kiss him! Run give him his book, sonny; he clean furgot it. Ho, ho, ho! Dat's de way to get rid ob de Senses mans! He done made tracks libely when he t'ought I want him. Dat's de besses joke dis yeah. I mus' go tell Ca'liny Jackson, fo' he gets to her house a-axin' questions an' peekin' into her pribate 'fairs. Ho, ho, ho! But dat war a good one on de Senses man!
Best Entertainments for Any Time.
Dialogs and Plays.
THE LATEST ENTERTAINMENTS--JUST PUBLISHED
The Famous Five-Cent Funny Farces.
New York TULLAR-MEREDITH CO. Chicago
POPULAR ENTERTAINMENTS
A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls, Ladies' Aid, Christian Endeavor and Epworth League Societies, etc. Price, 25 cents per copy.
This composition consists of singing and dialog for each part and will serve to enliven any entertainment. The music is moderately easy, melodious and should be available in practically all communities. This work consists of some 12 pages in sheet music form. The story is as follows: A father, who objects to his daughter having a beau, believing that she is planning to elope with an unknown young man, advertises for a detective to ferret the matter out. The young lover answers the advertisement, and the father hires him to detect the culprit, promising to pay him "anything within reason." When the young lover's true identity is disclosed, he demands as his reward, for having detected himself, the hand of the daughter. The irate father objects. The daughter eventually convinces him that true love was the real detective in the case, and the parental consent is given. Price, .50; 50 per cent discount.
ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS
The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed voices; also an original quartet for voices of women and an original setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto by J. S. Fearis, thus furnishing a variety of music found in no other publication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. "Not sent on examination."
New York TULLAR-MEREDITH CO. Chicago
NEW PLAYS
Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children, one being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the inscription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by placing the papers together they have the message that the "Old Witch" of the North has captured "Santa" and holds him in an ice prison at the North Pole. Of course there could be no "Merry Christmas" without their "patron saint", so guided by the "Fairy Godmother" they start for the North Pole to rescue him. The "Old Witch" endeavors to block the rescuers' way by the assistance of "Old Zero" and the "Snow Fairies" but when they learn that the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid in keeping "Santa" from his usual Christmas activities they get the "Sunbeam Fairies" to come to their aid and melt the snow, while they bind with a frozen cord the "Old Witch," who is found indulging in a nap which she takes only once every hundred years. With the "Old Witch" powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter.
Tho' belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the children are glad to become his "aides" in spreading a "Merry Christmas" through all the world. This is a very clever plot, well worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4 Boys and 5 Girls with any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.
FARCES
Transcriber's Notes:
Obvious punctuation errors repaired. The text of the inside cover, "Best Entertainments for Any Time," was repeated on page seven of the text. The first instance of this page was deleted from this version to avoid unnecessary repetition.
Inside back cover, "particuarly" changed to "particularly"
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