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Ebook has 1543 lines and 62377 words, and 31 pages

Editor: Alice Clay

Transcriber's Notes

THE AGONY COLUMN OF THE "TIMES" 1800-1870

EDITED BY ALICE CLAY

London CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY 1881

PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES.

INTRODUCTION.

Readers of newspapers cannot fail to be struck by the mysterious communications which daily appear, and I venture to hope my selection of some of the most remarkable may interest those who peruse these pages.

Most of the advertisements selected show a curious phase of life, interesting to an observer of human existence and human eccentricities. They are veiled in an air of mystery, with a view of blinding the general public, but at the same time give a clue unmistakable to those for whom they were intended.

At the early period of 1800 the "Agony Column" seems to have been the chief medium for matrimonial advertisements; but, unfortunately, we are left considerably in the dark, and our curiosity as to whether the young nobleman eventually married the unknown "Catholic widow" is not gratified; but we do learn something, namely, that love at first sight was not so rare in those days as it is supposed to be in the present unromantic age.

There is little doubt that lovers separated by unfortunate circumstances, or by angry parents, as well as bachelors meditating matrimony, have found in the "Agony Column" a safe means of secret correspondence. With what despair did "One-winged Dove" beseech her lover, the "Crane," to return to her! Sorely must her patience have been tried as she scanned the paper in vain day after day for four months. The answer came at last , but only to kill every hope.

Through our daily walk in life we brush up against millions of fellow-men, yet of how few amongst them do we know anything? We each live in a world of our own; we draw a circle, as it were, around us, within which centre all our interests. How lightly our feelings are touched by what happens outside our circle is shown by the exclamation that escapes our lips as we read a fresh tragedy in the daily papers. The actors in it are unknown to us, and in a moment or two the paper is laid aside with a smile on our lips--the news that blighted many lives forgotten! But if it comes within the charmed circle, how different our feelings!

On the other hand, how very little we know of the inner or deeper life of even those in our own little world. Romances, stranger than fiction, happen under our very eyes, and we do not see them. With hearts that are breaking men and women can go through the duties of every-day life, wearing calm and even smiling faces. He knew human nature well who wrote--

"Broken hearts are dumb--or smile."

What is there to tell us that such smiles are only on the surface? Nothing. So, is it not possible that the very advertisement that appealed to our feelings in the day's paper may have been inserted by some one living under the same roof with us!

We find some of the pseudonyms used by the advertisers are very transparent disguises, for instance, "Bocaj" , read backwards, is simply Jacob. What an insight we get here into the writer's character. No one possessing a sly, crafty nature would have dictated an alias so apparent.

Many others are of the same transparent nature. In some cases numbers have been substituted for the letters of the alphabet, and are easily deciphered. Take, for example, advertisement No. 1561, which reads, "Z. Y. R. Let me send correspondence with rector of college; it will explain how things stand. I go abroad next month."

In some advertisements the alphabet is slightly altered. Instead of reading the letter B as printed, read C. Thus, "head" would read "if be." An advertisement of this description is found on June 23rd, 1864 --"Alexander Rochfort reported dead. I saw you yesterday. Moate vainly searched ten years." The same rule applies to advertisement No. 1454, the meaning of which is, "Bone to first joint taken out yesterday--chloroform--r?gimes alone prevented me fulfilling my promise to you--Myosotis--May 3rd."

In advertisements No. 1701 and 1705 the alphabet is again altered, and this time more ingeniously. Instead of the letter written supply the second following. Thus we read in the first, "Umbrella. Dear Fanny, meet your distracted friend beneath the willow by the lake. Row under the stars. Common sea-breezes. Feather-weight. Yours, Bicycle." The advertisement preceding it is most intricate, and reads, "Wrote you to-day. Will the letter ever reach. Love beyond telling, purely and true. Inraptured with love, darling. No sleep that night." The spelling of this is so incorrect that it was most probably inserted by an illiterate individual. Advertisements No. 1247, 1248, 1249, 1250 are all from the same source, and the writers have very cleverly transposed the whole alphabet. My readers will find that they have begun their alphabet at the letter L. Thus L reads A; M, B; N, C, and so on through the twenty-six letters. For example, we read in advertisement No. 1247, "On Tuesday I sent letter to Byrne for you. May I speak fully on all matters at the interview? It may do good. Trust to my love. I am miserable. When may I go to Canterbury, if only to look at you?"

In advertisements No. 1650, 1651, 1660, 1666, 1670, 1680, 1681, 1696, 1697, 1698, 1702, and 1703 we go back to the simpler style of disguise, namely, that of reading the letter that follows the one written. Advertisement No. 1650 consequently reads, "O. Y. is ill. Do not like to leave yet. How long notice would you want? Very kind thoughts." Frankenstein, in advertisements 1734, 1735, 1739, and 1747, has chosen a disguise so clever and deep that I do not think his communications would be easily detected; and for those of my readers who possess only a small amount of patience and a large amount of curiosity, I give the translation of the first of them.

"Three, four, five, six, yes to all, be cautious anywhere even in German in case of seizure or stoppage, omit signature W for the present, twig for safety any letter to me, safe here, trust me, I will never give you up, never darling, put plenty of love in your letters."

Advertisement No. 1731 is equally mysterious and clever; the alphabet commences at the letter N as in advertisement No. 1247, but is rendered more obscure by the use of capital letters, and after having deciphered the letters the sentence has to be divided into words; my readers will then find it reads thus: "You only till death letter for you Sunday night."

I think after all the examples I have given that no one will have much difficulty in deciphering for themselves advertisements No. 1762 and 1767 in which "Nellie" addressed herself to "Darling Alf." Any construction might be put on her simple message, but "I will be at the Great Western Hotel at six on Wednesday" gives one the idea of a runaway match, and this idea seems to be confirmed in the second advertisement, No. 1767, in which she says, "Everything sacred as the grave" , and asks for ?5 to defray expenses.

We come across a somewhat curious case in advertisements No. 694, 702, 708, 710, 713, and 715: a young lady, evidently in love, and separated from the object of her affections, wrote to the "Agony Column" under the name of "Puisque" ; she received no answer, so advertised again twice , and was evidently under a strong impression that her lover was suffering from illness. After a few days an answer appeared, headed "Puisque" , but the writer desired her to advertise again, addressing her correspondent by his own initials. We find in advertisement No. 713 that the lady suspected the fraud, and then her genuine lover advertised to tell her that the former one had not been inserted by him. There is little doubt that some one interested in keeping them apart had detected the advertisement, and under the common impression that "all is fair in love and war" had laid aside all scruples--if he or she ever possessed any--to serve his or her own ends. This is not the only case of mistaken identity; we find in advertisement No. 1065 that the writer was in doubt as to whether the one he was answering was intended for him or not.

After a very careful investigation I think the romantic pair who advertised for some time under the disguise of "Does he repent" were either found out or afraid of detection, as they altered their names twice; the first time to "Rose" and "Weed," and again to "Blue bell" and "Lochinvar" . "Constantia" also appears to have had a part in this plot ; probably she played the part of "go-between." Advertisements No. 1181, 1183, and one or two others are quite legible when read backwards.

After the number of sentimental advertisements, which certainly form the greater number in the Agony Column, it is rather a relief to find a few ludicrous specimens, such as "Jolly to Rummy" ; "Portmanteau to Pack" ; "Little Silly" ; "He has sneezed, etc." ; and a splendid antidote to all sentimentality is expressed in the sarcasm of advertisement No. 1237: "Fred. All right. I sympathize with your pain, but why not seek consolation where you cannot find it, and in a way that pains me? Write as usual. Trust Ever."

Amongst the number of advertisements that I have passed over in silence there are many, I have little doubt, that might be classed under the head of stratagems, that is to say, they are inserted with a view of deceiving those to whom they are addressed. For instance, how often do we read nowadays: "John Smith will hear something to his advantage if he applies in person to Tom Jones, Brown Street." But in all probability the same said John Smith will find that if he gratifies his curiosity by visiting Mr. Jones at the place named, in the hope of finding a fortune has been left to him, he will find it would have been decidedly more to his advantage had he suppressed his curiosity and remained at home.

Nor is a hoax by any means an uncommon thing in the "Agony Column." There is a story--American, of course--of a man whose wife deserted him; but instead of running after her and begging her to come back, he published in the leading daily paper that he had drawn fifty thousand dollars in the lottery; and the story goes that she returned immediately. Needless to state that the prize in the lottery only existed in the ingenious man's imagination.

Lastly, I must draw the attention of my readers to the two most remarkable series of advertisements, in my opinion, that have appeared during the present century, though I feel sure that all who honour my pages with a careful perusal will not fail to notice them without any remark of mine.

I have been able to show so many different ways in which our simple alphabet can be changed to form a language that will defy a large majority of the public, that I feel sure that all those who are denied the privilege of an open correspondence, might, with a little ingenuity, find a way of communication that would baffle those whose eyes they fear; but at the same time let them remember that parents, guardians, and friends will have discovered in my pages that what looks so unintelligible at first sight may, with a little patience, be read as easily as the plainest English printed in our newspapers.

THE AGONY COLUMN

OF THE "TIMES."

THE ANSWER of a LETTER to an OFFICER at HEREFORD is, "That he Was."

A CARD.--If the Lady who a Gentleman handed into her carriage from Covent Garden Theatre, on Wednesday, the third of this month, will oblige the Advertiser with a line to Z. Z., Spring Garden Coffee House, saying if married or single, she will quiet the mind of a young Nobleman, who has tried, but in vain, to find the Lady. The carriage was ordered to Bond Street. The Lady may depend on honour and secrecy. Nothing but the most honourable interview is intended. The Lady was in mourning, and sufficiently cloathed to distinguish her for possessing every virtue and charm that man could desire in a female that he would make choice of for a Wife. Deception will be detected, as the Lady's person can never be forgot.

ELIZA'S Second LETTER has been received. The Inserter of this candidly acknowledges a pre-engagement; but if "Eliza" wishes for further explanation, she will please to address herself to the Inserter's Father.

TO ELIZA.--It is with deep regret the Person feels himself again called upon publicly to address ELIZA on the subject of her very unpleasant Letters, after repeated solicitations to discontinue them. He is perfectly satisfied in his own mind to have acted honourably towards her, for her peace of mind sake has candidly and unreservedly made known to her his situation, consequently she well knows he cannot in honour, even if he were disposed, accede to her wishes. It is useless for her therefore to trouble him with more, or to write elsewhere, as she may rest assured, from him they will meet with the fate of the two last, which were committed to the flames unopened, and likewise in the other quarter, the contempt they justly merit.

MATRIMONY.--The friend of a Gentleman , about 26, who is a Man of good property, agreeable person, and in an old-established profitable Business in one of the best and most fashionable streets at the West-end of the Town, wishes to see him made happy by an honourable union with an amiable Female of good education, pleasing manners, and some property. This Advertisement is inserted by his Friend without his knowledge, by which means he hopes to introduce a Lady to his wishes, and prevent the possibility of prejudice on his part by this too common channel of information. Any Lady not exceeding 30 years of age, who may answer this Advertisement , may depend on secrecy, and the greatest honour and most respectable reference, by addressing a line to Mr. Thomas Price, to be left at the Printing-office, Grocer's Hall-court, Poultry.

TO a LADY.--The GENTLEMAN who lately received TWO LETTERS from a Lady, is extremely sorry that the first did not reach him in time to avail himself of its contents, and thereby escape the Rebuke contained in the second. He will shortly be obliged to leave Town in a few months for Ireland. If this should meet the eye of his Fair Correspondent, he hopes she will honour him with another, directed as the last, between this and Saturday.

IF the GENTLEMAN who kindly took a YOUNG LADY from No. 13, Charlotte-street, Rathbone-Place, to Bristol, the beginning of September last, will appoint a Place and Time of Meeting with the Advertiser, whose discretion and secrecy may be depended upon, it may be attended with real benefit to the young Lady. Direct to D. G., at John's Coffee-house, Cornhill.

INCOGNITA'S elegant and well-composed EPISTLE, of the 19th instant, has had all the impression that possibly could be expected: another, with real name and place of abode, may be safely ventured. An immediate intercourse is earnestly requested by

LEANDER.

MATRIMONY.--A TRADESMAN, in a pleasant part of London, wishes to meet with a PARTNER for LIFE. A handsome face is not so much his wish as an agreeable, prudent Person; a Widow would not be objected to if her age did not much exceed his own, which is under 30. Some fortune is expected. A line to A. B., under cover to Mr. Woffington, No. 41, Lombard-street, post paid, will meet with the strictest honour and secrecy.

A. B. C.

A CARD.--H. J. A. presents his most respectful compliments to the Catholic Widow Lady, residing near London-bridge, and earnestly requests a speedy interview. Should this meet the Lady's, or any of the family's eyes, it is for obvious reasons desired that this may meet the attention which the nearest relationship pleads for. An answer, addressed to the Blossoms Inn, Lawrence-lane, Cheapside, will be attended to.

IF the YOUTH THAT LEFT ISLINGTON on Sunday evening can remember that he ever had a Mother, he is informed he will soon be deprived of that blessing, except he immediately writes with particulars, or personally appears before her. His friend will redress any circumstance, and settle every point to his satisfaction.

WEST SMITHFIELD.

THE LETTER of J. A. has been received this morning: the person to whom it was addressed will be happy to receive a further communication, and assures the writer that everything friendship can dictate will be done for him if he will send a line where a letter may be addressed to him: he thinks it needless to pledge his honour that secrecy will be observed, and his own inclinations alone be consulted.

OCTOBER 9th, 1804.

A CARD.--If Mr. A., who had such a delightful Row to Battersea, on Monday, the 27th of last month, will call or write, everything can be explained to his satisfaction.

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