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Read Ebook: Cupid's Fair-Weather Booke Including an Almanack for Any Two Years (True Love Ought to Last That Long) by Clay John Cecil Herford Oliver
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ERRORS.
The reader is also desired to excuse a few other typographical errors; as the author could not conveniently attend the press.
DIRECTIONS
Academy Keepers.
TERMS.
SECT. 1. You are desirous of engaging in the management of an Academy. Are you in low circumstances? Are you a broken attorney, or excise-man? A disbanded Frenchman, or superannuated clerk? Offer your service for a trifling consideration; declaim on the roguery of requiring large sums, and make yourself amends in the inferior articles; quills, paper, ink, books, candles, fire, extraordinary expences, taylors and shoe-maker's bills, are excellent items in academy-accounts. You may charge them as amply as you please, without injury to your reputation. The expence in books, paper, &c. is chearfully paid, as proofs of a rapid progress. The charge of candles, fire, and extraordinary expences, as proofs of your indulgence; and no-body will suspect you to be partner in your taylor's and shoe-maker's bills. This is an approved rule, and practised with success by many of my acquaintance.
SECT. 2. But we will suppose you of higher character, and better prospect. We will suppose you an emigrant from some northern university, or a tuftless child of one of our own, and to have been a considerable time assistant in some southern school. Twenty-five pounds is the least you can ask. Nor are you to neglect to avail yourself of the preceding items; but deem it a general rule that your extraordinary advantages are to bear a direct proportion to your stated terms.
SECT. 3. If you have promised to confine your attention to a trifling number; by advertising that one or two are still wanting, or by decreasing your terms, attempt immediately to retract this promise. Apply to your first benefactors; hope they will permit you to accommodate a few pretty little masters, sons of Mr. Such-a-one, who may be of the greatest service to you. They will not deny you; they will consider it as a proof of your rising reputation. You are indebted for this judicious rule to the late eminent Mr. Jerkham, who died broken-hearted, as is supposed, in consequence of the ridiculous appearance he made in one of our late monthly reviews. I mention this melancholy circumstance, that you may avoid his fate, and let your learning be known only to your boys; it will do you most service, be a proof of your modesty and attention to your school.
SECT. 4. When advertising for boys does not answer, advertisements for servants may probably succeed. The following is an approved copy.
Wanted at an academy near London three domestics;
A compleat penman, accomptant, and mathematician, with an undeniable character:
A steady careful person capable of teaching the English language grammatically, and willing to attend the children to bed:
A cleanly sober wench to look after the children's linen, and do other occasional work: Enquire of Mr. Twitch, broom-maker, in Kent-street.
But you may want none of these servants. You have an easy redress. Ask the mathematician if he understands English, the abecedarian if he understands mathematics; upon these conditions promise them each ten pounds a year, with eighteen-penny perquisites, and you are acquitted with credit; as to the wench, if she comes bare-foot, almost before the news-paper appears, rebuffs of this kind are so common, that you may say, without suspicion, you are engaged.
SECT. 5. If you are at any time desirous of enlarging your terms, expostulate plentifully on your intended improvements, and the large stipends your assistants require. Your expences are extremely great, and the business above measure fatiguing; you have been long accustomed to children, and are fond of seeing them about you; and indeed otherwise the business would be insupportable.
DIET.
Among the first articles enquired after, both by parents and children, are those of the table. You cannot therefore be too early instructed in the desirable art of giving all reasonable satisfaction in this matter, at the least possible expence.
SECT. 1. Remember then always, to see the fruit-basket amongst your boys before dinner. Fruit is least prejudicial to an empty stomach; and if the children will indulge themselves with biscuit and gingerbread, who can help it.
SECT. 2. If your number of boys or their allowances deserve not a fruit-woman's attendance, your wife may properly enough engage in the office; it will prevent the boys from being cheated, and be a proof of her humility.
The use of some neighbouring tavern may also be permitted with caution; it is an indulgence which will not fail to conciliate the affection of your leading boys.
SECT. 3. If there be no considerable parish work-house near you, it will be your interest to secure the stale loaves and neck-beef; the former is excellent in boiled milk or plumb-pudding, the latter in boulli for a Saturday's dinner. The butchers and bakers you must remember have been time immemorial the best academy-ticks.
SECT. 4. The worse your fresh joints are dressed the better for you; the boys will eat the less, and it is always the cook's fault.
SECT. 5. Whenever the boys find fault with the quality of your meat, appear at the head of your table, declare the extraordinary price you have given for it, and call your servants to witness that you sent for the best in the market. Whoever replies, turn him away.
SECT. 6. I allow of no pies except a little before the holidays. Delicacies and dainties are not to be expected in a school.
SECT. 7. The less salt, vinegar, pepper, &c. at dinner upon the table, so much the better; boys want no such provocatives.
SECT. 8. If you oblige your boys to eat all you send them, it will prevent the frequent return of their plates, and learn them an excellent custom; if not, what they leave will make excellent hashes, and seem more indulgent: in this point I find few who are agreed.
SECT. 9. If you are afraid they will eat more than you have provided, say grace.
LODGING.
SECT. 1. Few instructions may suffice on this head. The lighter the boys are covered, and the harder the bed, the more natural and more healthy.
SECT. 2. The fewer chamber-pots the better; it will prevent the boys catching cold by rising in the night, and make them unwilling to drink much beer at supper.
SECT. 3. The more you put in the bed the better also; it will endear them to each other, and prevent their playing wicked tricks.
SECT. 4. Lodge the great boys always farthest from you, it will prevent them disturbing you in the night. If they lie near the maids, so much the better; the maids may give you proper notice of their behaviour.
SECT. 5. Your usher must always be stowed amongst the little boys, to prevent them from tumbling out of bed, and to help them in the night.
SECT. 6. If you allow the occasional use of a close-stool, let it be locked up in the garret that they may not abuse it. But I rather approve of their easing themselves in some corner of the room, that they may have the less pleasure in resorting thither in the day-time, and tumbling the bed-clothes about; and that their mothers, who always pay a visit to the bed-chambers, may be sensible what trouble you have with them.
SECT. 7. Let the beds be always to be made, at the time of undressing. Going to bed is a thing the boys dislike. This little respite, therefore, will please them mightily, and they will please the maids.
RECREATION.
SECT. 1. The more holidays the better; it will give the boys an opportunity of feeding themselves at their own expence, and, by tasking them well, you will prevent the complaints of their parents. But the fewer holidays you promise before-hand the more prudent; it will prevent your usher from gadding abroad.
SECT. 2. Never give a holiday on the day appointed for the entertainment of your friend; you will have the fewer interruptions, and a good excuse for being absent from your school.
SECT. 3. Give a holiday always on public rejoicing-days; it will be considered as a proof of your loyalty; and let that day of the month on which your predecessor died, be always a feast for the boys; it is a tribute due to his memory.
SECT. 4. Send your boys always on a holiday to see something or other in the neighbourhood; it will please both them and their parents, prevent their lurking about the pantry, and employ your ushers.
SECT. 5. Boys commonly endeavour on these days to dispatch a letter or two privately. It will be your business to intercept them; they may be negligently written; there may be solecisms in them, or misrepresentations of facts, which might be displeasing to their friends.
DISCIPLINE.
SECT. 1. Remember always to exercise your first severity on poor people's children, and day-scholars. The first floggings are a perpetual disgrace, and it is but reasonable that they should bear it, by whom you are least profited.
SECT. 2. Never punish the favourite of a family, if he have any younger brothers.
SECT. 3. Boys who bear flogging best are commonly those who most deserve it. If four be accused, therefore, he who bears flogging best is always in the fault.
SECT. 4. If a father gives you full power over his son's posteriors, be not afraid to use it, but make him the scape-goat of the school as often as convenient. In this, and many other rules, the reasons are too obvious to be particularly noticed.
SECT. 5. No good to be done with a boy who has not a good opinion of his master. If a boy, therefore, accuses you, or your ushers, of ignorance or incapacity, take the first opportunity to expel him, especially if he be clever, and likely to make a progress, in which you may be ill-qualified to accompany him.
SECT. 6. Insolence to ushers is to be punished with great caution. This will best maintain a proper distinction between you and them.
SECT. 7. If some untouchable youth happens to be detected in expressing his insolence, your wife, or the person he has offended, must beg him off.
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