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Read Ebook: Four Phases of Morals: Socrates Aristotle Christianity Utilitarianism by Blackie John Stuart
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Ebook has 49 lines and 7581 words, and 1 pages
Editor: F. C. Burnand
PUNCH,
VOLUME 98.
APRIL 12, 1890.
A SUGGESTION FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.
MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the representative of Justice in this country, I appeal to you. And when I write this, you must not imagine that I claim, in my own person, to represent Justice--no, Sir, I only to some extent suggest the Law--a very different matter. But, Sir, as suggesting the Law, I apply to you for redress on behalf of hundreds, nay, thousands, of members of a very noble and learned profession. Sir, you will have noticed that the Law Courts are congested. Look through the daily list , and you will find, that although Chancery is doing fairly well, there is scarcely a movement in Common Law. The reason for this is obvious. Nearly all the Common Law Judges are away, and business is simply at a standstill. Now, Sir, I am very reluctant to give their Lordships more trouble than necessary, but I do think, for all our sakes, that increased facility should be afforded for trying cases single-handed. It should be managed in this wise. But here, perhaps, in the cause of intelligibility, you will permit me to describe my method in common form.
BASTA, FASTER!
A somewhat disagreeable incident marred the harmony of yesterday's proceedings. A boy, who was looking on, happened to drop half a penny bun in the vicinity of the Signor, who reached towards it, and having managed, after some struggles, which created much amusement amongst the onlookers, to pick it up, was about to convey it to his mouth. He would no doubt have eaten it if the senior member of the Medical Committee, appointed to watch the proceedings, had not interfered. The fragment was removed, and it was pointed out to DONTUCCI that such an act on his part was unfair not only to himself, but to the large number of sportsmen who had made bets on the event.
We understand that the proceeds of this wonderful exhibition of pluck and endurance are sufficient to make a handsome dividend for the shareholders an absolute certainty.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
ALL THROUGH LONDON FOR A SHILLING.--The Fine Art Society in Bond Street, has a marvellous exhibition in the London-pictures by HERBERT MARSHALL--he ought to be called for ever afterwards the City Marshall--so well does he understand all moods of our great city, so admirably can he translate every phase of its atmosphere, and each subtlety of its colour. Just a hundred pictures this clever artist shows, and everyone is a portrait of an old friend. This Gallery is the very place to take country cousins to. Just turn them loose here for a couple of hours, and they will get a better idea of what London is really like, than if they stopped in the Metropolis for a month.
NAVAL INTELLIGENCE.
THE FIRST SWALLOW!--Look out for it! It will be a rare sight! Quite enough to "make" a summer at the Aquarium, when SUCCI takes his first mouthful at a square meal.
A OUTING.
To-day start very early, without breakfast, as resources of the country inn exhausted. Do thirty miles without accident. Rather nervous work, because one of "leaders" shies at everything it meets. BOB half flicked the eye out of a man in passing through Guildford--awful row! Row only ended by a five-pound note as compensation. BOB says we shall all have to subscribe. Expenses mounting up.
BOB at breakfast, gives us the "straight tip"--says he's going to "tool us back to Town in one day--only forty miles." Delighted at prospect. To carry out his programme, BOB has to get extra speed out of horses. Result--he gives us all the "straight tip"--down near Horsham--into a neighbouring field!
A wheel off! Horse disabled! Telegraph to owner to come and fetch his coach; we go back by rail. Bruised all over. Expenses enormous. Give me a jolly week in Paris next Easter!
THE TRIVIAL ROUND.
ROBERT'S COMMISHUNS.
I ain't bin quite so owerwhelmed with my warious Comisshuns from my lucky winners on the Boat Race as I hexpected to be, but the werry smallest on 'em is allus welcome.
The Gent who wrote from Tattersall's, and sined hisself "THE RIVER PLUNGER," and enclosed me two bad harf-crowns, I must leave to his hone cowardly conshence, and the arrowing reflexun that he werry nearly got me into trubbel when I tried to pass one on 'em at our nayburing Pub. Luckily, my rayther frequent wisits to that most useful mannerfactory has made me werry well known there, so I was aloud to correct my littel mistake.
The last letter which I has jest receeved is as follers:--
Yours truly, UNCLE DICK."
Wood it be beleeved, the check was drawn upon Thames Bank! But there, I must dress for my purfeshnal dooties. ROBERT.
MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
AUCTIONEERING.
SOCIAL.
MUSIC.
PLATFORMULARS.
EDITORIAL.
AFTER A SONG.
IN A STUDIO.
IN COURT.
MILITARY.
JOURNALISTIC.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
The Penalties of Greatness.
Be great, my son, and in the public eye All your life long you'll have to walk in fetters. Gossip your daily scourge; and when you die They'll make a market of your private letters, And try to mix you in some mess of scandal; 'Tis question if the game is worth the candle!
AFTER THE REVIEW.
The usual Compliments! Of course, of course! If we could only thrive on casual flattery! But praise won't raise a troop of foot or horse, Equip a squadron, Sir, or mount a battery. Soft words won't butter parsnips--that's plain speech. Circumlocution is so hard to teach!
Vulgar vernacular you'll please excuse, Camp-language is not that of a Committee. If folks conceive we muster to amuse Cheap-trippers, or ourselves, it is a pity. 'Tis not for Easter sport we toil--and pay, "Stone-broke to make a British holiday."
When good men are retiring, driven out From service by extravagant expenses, The virtues of the System you must doubt, Or any Englishman who's in his senses. If we are worth our salt, as you assure us, Surely from pocket-loss you might secure us!
Reviewing the Review, you say nice things; Well, if we've done our duty, do yours also. Alternate verbal pats and scornful flings, Are scarce good policy, or what I call so. To do our duty is, of course, our pleasure, But to be fined for doing it's hard measure.
AN UNCHRISTIAN CAVEAT.
What right? A largish question, learned Sir, Larger, perchance, than struck your legal mind. Smitten with sudden anger against her Whose face in such a scene 'twas strange to find; Close the Church-doors to creatures of her kind? Stay, Rhadamanthus! Pharisaic taste Is no safe guide to Charity's true rule. Beware, lest like King DAVID, in his haste, You trust the zeal experience should school To thought more kindly and to care more cool. What right? Suppose her sinner, even then The sacred precinct hath far wider scope Than any dwelling set apart of men. This temple is the LORD'S, from base to cope. Here faltering Faith and half-extinguished Hope Find entrance unrebuked of Charity. What right? E'en so SIMON the Pharisee Might have demanded of the MAGDALEN, And with a fairer reason. But restrain The weariest waif from entrance to the fane Where pure young girls come for a special grace, Whither the smug-faced citizen may pace, The modish lady trail her silken skirt? Nay, Sir, it is too arbitrary-rash, This caveat, and with Charity must clash, Here sinful souls and spirits sorely hurt Find their last refuge and sole hope. Wherefore Against no soul that suffers close that door! Let MAGDALEN look on, if so she please, At these pure maidens. Can it injure these? Whilst the scene's influence on her spirit dark Not Rhadamanthus in his seat may mark.
ANOTHER "COUNT OUT."--HERBERT BISMARCK.
MODERN TYPES.
The Invalid Lady is, as often as not, the only daughter of parents whose social position is higher than the figure of their yearly income. Nevertheless, they contrive, by means of gallant struggles, to keep on the high level of the sacred appearances. They are seen wherever smart people
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