Read Ebook: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang Vol. 2 No. 20 May 1921 America's Magazine of Wit Humor and Filosophy by Various Fawcett W H Wilford Hamilton Editor

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Ebook has 402 lines and 26374 words, and 9 pages

Just what was in the bottles cannot be proved, but the incident caused some words of criticism from other members of the movie colony, who figured the boys were "putting it on" a little too strong in view of the assemblage present, ever ready to declare that the "movies" are impossible.

But these two cheerful individuals, at the worst, were only mistaken if they really intended to show off or be funny or daring. Many a person present would have been glad to join them, in consideration of their hip pocket protrusion. Yet the occasion, the time, the place, and so on, made it seem a bit garish.

But what about the rouge-soaked males in feminine attire, and displaying toe to hip extremes, garbed in lace tights, whose every movement, look and word indicated absence of the masculine instinct as they pranked and tripped about the ballroom floor, mingling with dainty women and stalwart males who moved uneasily away as the queer folk swung simpering and smirking among them?

Take the two merry boys with the bottles in the main dining-room, a little wild, perhaps, and making somewhat of a show--but, withal, regular men taking a lark as they found it--maybe somewhat "lit up," but exuding rough masculinity in their uncouth playfulness. To be censured?

One regular he-man, or a party of them, invaded under ordinary circumstances by queer-acting customers, would make short shift of "sissy simps" and abide by the consequences--there being small reason to fear consequences. But a public gathering is different.

They are getting to be very businesslike, these ladies. They give, but demand payment at times. But if Earl Williams parted with ,000, his partner in the dance, fair Mildred, was rejoicing in a little sum of 0,000 or so, which is the amount Charles is said to have settled upon her when they parted at the ways.

Bookkeeping on the leaders of the Grand March, it would appear that Earl and Mildred, between them, were 0,000 ahead of the matrimonial deal, figuring Earl's loss of ,000 and Mildred's winnings of two hundred grand.

Mary and Doug did not mingle with the ballroom dancers to any extent. They are largely home folks and only drop in on occasions at a party, and then usually beat it in jigtime for the fireside.

One of our best-known young newspaper scribes had half the house betting that he was dancing with Edna Purviance, garbed in Turkish emblems. But when she doffed her mask it was not Edna at all, but a charming youngster of the pictures but not well known to fame.

Since Edna has been resurrected in all her beauty for Chaplin's new picture, "The Kid," the former friendship between her and Chaplin has been rehashed where the gossip-mongers meet for Wednesday night meeting.

Another pleasing sight was the return of Lucille Carlisle, until recently Larry Semon's leading lady. Rumor hath it that Lucille and Larry waged a young war about something, as children will. But the soaring young funny man of filmdom and his fair partner were turtle doves who found no one to dance with but themselves.

A false report went out that Bull Montana attended the ball costumed like an ape. This is untrue, for two reasons. One is that Bull wasn't present, and the other that he needs no costume when imitations of a gorilla are in order. Bull's face has become his fortune and he is proud of it.

A girl may not let you kiss her, but the chances are she appreciates your wanting to.

Prohibition is morality on a jag.

A good woman is chaste--so is good whiskey.

Virtue, although often lost, is seldom advertised for.

After man came woman and she has been after him ever since.

A woman who can love but once is pretty badly stuck on herself.

It may be peculiar, but a horse can eat best without a bit in his mouth.

Man is made of dust; along comes the water wagon of fate and his name is mud.

Before a man marries, he swears to love; after marriage, he loves to swear.

Human nature shows to better advantage at a dog fight than at a prayer meeting.

Love is blind. Perhaps that accounts for some of the bad shots he has made.

Blessed is the man that is born of little furniture, for it shall be easier to move.

Most women are both good and true; in fact, most of them are too good to be true.

You can never judge the length of a woman's tongue by the size of her mouth.

Love has been called miserable happiness. Not so, it is what makes happiness miserable.

He is a mean father who has his whiskers shaved off because the baby likes to pull them.

Some women kiss their pet dogs in preference to their husbands. Some men are born lucky.

The girl who wishes she had been born a boy will never make a good wife--she will want to wear the pants.

A pretty woman with brains usually sends some man to the devil. If she hasn't brains, she goes there herself.

Some men promise to stop smoking after marriage without exacting a similar promise from the girl.

If Mother Eve had been as wise as some of her daughters, what a fool she'd have made of that snake.

A man will promise a woman or a baby anything to keep them quiet. Sometimes he delivers the goods in the case of the baby.

All of us believe in law and order, of course, but a surprisingly large number of people like to see a policeman get whipped.

Of course polygamy is dreadful, but an Oriental wife can come within four or five guesses of knowing where her husband spends his evenings.

The wise virgins of olden days kept their lamps trimmed and burning; those of the present day keep the gas turned low, and they manage to trim as many suckers as their predecessors.

Blessed is the man that is born for woman. He hath a short life and little joy. He springeth up in the morning like a huckleberry bush and is crushed to earth at night by a mother-in-law.

Life's Hard Course

Man comes into this world without his consent, and leaves it against his will. During his stay on earth his time is spent in one continual round of contraries and misunderstandings.

In his infancy, he's an angel; in his boyhood, he's a devil, and in his manhood, he is everything from a lizard up. In his duties, he's a damphool.

If he raises a family, he's a chump. If he raises a check, he's a crook. If he is a poor man, he is a poor manager and has no sense. If he is rich, he is dishonest but considered smart. If he is in politics he is a grafter and a thief. If he is out of politics, you cannot place him as he is an undesirable citizen. If he donates to foreign missions, he does it for show; if he doesn't, he is stingy and a tightwad.

When he comes into the world, they all want to kiss him; before he leaves it, they all want to kick him.

If he dies young, there was a great future before him. If he lives to a ripe, old age, he is only in the way, just living to save funeral expenses. So Life is just one damn thing after another.

Everything has gone down except paper and envelopes. They are stationery.

Dere Uncle Billy: Since Ay writing you las time Ay bane having swell time acting in moving pictures. Las week Ay working in Sex picture in Hollywood Studyo and we got one big scene where leading man be banker faller and git fresh with hired girl while him's wife bane gone out to week-end party. Ayskol be butler with short tail coat and gold buttons made of brass. When somebody kome in Ayskol stand by door and take him's card on pie-plate. Director he say, "Sven, when banker git fresh you skol yump in an' poke him's nose yust like real life with plenty pep." Banker git fresh alright an' you bet Ay show Director Ay am dam gude actor. Ay poke leading man so he don't wake up till half past sax an' dey don't finish scene till next week. Leading man he git sore on me an' try to git me fired but Ayskol told him if he enta shut up Ay poke him 'gain so he keep still an' Ay don't lose may Yob.

Week behind las' Ay playing in cave-man picture with whiskers glued on may face so Ay look like Smith Bros. on cough drop box. They got real elephant from Universal City an' glue whiskers all over him too, so he skol be a baskardon. We go out in woods with a lot of other animals an' monkey 'round all day yumping in and out hole in hill some fallers dig for cave.

Ay meet rich woman that say she skol star me yust so soon her husband go to Seattle. She gat big lemonzine an' diamonds an' she shake her shimmy when she walking. She bane gude skout all right, you bat my life, an' she say Ay gat fine fizzic. She like strong faller an' she like me be strong for her. Ay bat your life Ay gitting new suit from Foreman Clark an' silk shirt with blue stripe. She standing in gude with assistant Director an' git me gude Yobs right long. Ay meet four more Swedes here in pictures an' they take me to place one night they call wild party an' Ay drink some coctaila made out of prune yuice and Skloan's Liniment. When Ay got more news Ay skol let you know right off. Moving picture game bane gude bet for faller with plenty pep.

Goodby,

SVENS PETERSON.

Post Chips: If you see may brother Olaf tole him Ay say bootleg business bane pretty gude out here yust now an' if he want to kom out Ay skol git him in on ground floor.--S. P.

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