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Read Ebook: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang Vol. 2 No. 22 July 1921 America's Magazine of Wit Humor and Filosophy by Various Fawcett W H Wilford Hamilton Editor
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Ebook has 446 lines and 25557 words, and 9 pages
When Buster Keaton goes out in the evening he takes his whole family. There are so many of them we've lost count. Anyhow, when he goes down to Sunset Inn at Santa Monica the waiters have to move three tables and put them together so that all Buster's family can be seated. There are several sisters and as many younger brothers and a "Pa" and lots of aunts and uncles. And Buster cheerfully pays the bill.
A little incident has been reported to the correspondent of this great family journal. It appears Buster had been out with some lady of whom his father objected, or had done something which his "Pa" didn't like and there was an argument over at the Metro studio. "Pa" perhaps hasn't forgotten his ancient and pleasant right of parental authority. However, Buster is resourceful. It is said he put "Pa" in his dressing-room and locked him up for the night, going on about his own business thereafter.
We wonder, if, when Natalie Talmadge marries Buster this spring, she will have to lock his family in the closets occasionally in order to prevent little rows!
The Tale of a Shirt
Comfort, the farmers' journal, says this: Is there any way for a girl to tell her sweetheart his shirt-tail is out? The same way she would tell her brother or cousin or any friend. A sweetheart's shirt-tail is no more sacred or worthy of respect than any other shirt-tail. A tail belongs to a shirt as much as cuffs or a collar and isn't any more indecent. I'd tell anyone to tuck his shirt in--just like that.
My girl is so fat she wears inner tubes for garters.
All Aboard for Arkansaw
Mama's got eczema, Papa's got the gout, I've got something itchy coo; It's just breakin' out.
No Caveman Stuff Here
"Oh Jane, how have you been getting on with Ed?"
"Not very well, Dolly; I've had to buy only two hair nets for my last five dates with him."
In the Garden of Eden
"I'll peel off," said the apple.
"If you do, I'll leave," said the tree.
Especially When the North Wind Blows
She was a silly little, gushing thing, and habitually talked without thinking, and in the exaggerated fashion which the female of the species at present affects. Lately married, she was able to induce her adoring hubby to go with her on shopping expeditions. Even when the tour included a visit to an establishment where the most intimate of feminine garments were on sale, he did not flinch.
In one such shop, the discreet manageress inquired as to whether a certain set of silken unmentionables, recently purchased, had given full satisfaction.
The little bride's eyes grew round.
"Oh, they were beautiful!" she burst out, in her usual fashion. "Everybody admired them--everybody!"
Turning pale, the unfortunate bridegroom didn't know for a moment whether to file for congress or go out and get a stiff drink of moonshine.
She had a sore throat, and was unable to sing, so the manager buzzed her off to the theater's medical man the tooter the sweeter. The doc. produced his laryngoscope, and as he was adjusting it he pleasantly remarked, "You'd be surprised how far we can see with this little instrument."
"Oh, is that so, doctor?" she faltered. "Well, it can't be helped, but I ought to tell you that I really had no time to change my things before I came out."
Is your etiquation on etiquette inetiquate? Do you pull the faux pas, gaucherie, vulgarian, and other boners too humorous to mention?
Read these questions thoughtlessly, study the answers carelessly and add both to your misinformation on this subject:
What do you know about introductions?
If Green and Brown met at your home brewery for the first time, would you say, "Green, meet Brown. Boys, have a drink," or vice versa? Suppose the Siamese Twins dropped in about that time to borrow your recipe for double brew. Would you present them plurally or en mash?
Don't introduce them; familiarity breeds a thirst.
The ballroom should always be a center of culture and grace.
What is the correct position for the gentleman in dancing?
Cheek to cheek.
For the lady?
Vice versa.
Is it correct to wander away from the ballroom with a dancing partner?
If you become delirious, you may wander.
Is the "shimmy" done in the best society?
Yes.
How?
Like a bowl of jello in an earthquake.
Should one try to dance if they do not know the steps?
No, that would brand you as a hopeless vulgarian.
Should one crack jokes about the ladies' gowns?
No, your conversation should not be confined to trivialities.
If a girl asks you in when you escort her home from the ball at 3 a. m., should you accept her invitation?
Politely decline, and give me her address.
Every dinner should begin with a little soup and less noise.
Should the lady of the house help the soup?
Yes, if it needs it.
What would you do if you made a wine stain on a lady's dress?
Help her to remove it, the stain.
Should you decline wine by clapping your hand on top of your glass?
I wouldn't.
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