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Read Ebook: Haney's Art of Training Animals A Practical Guide for Amateur or Professional Trainers. Giving Full Instructions for Breaking Taming and Teaching All Kinds of Animals Including an Improved Method of Horse Breaking Management of Farm Animals Training of S by Burroughs W H
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Ebook has 157 lines and 8409 words, and 4 pages
Pingoism should be carefully distinguished from pongoism.
"SILENCE OF THE BRITISH VIRGIL.
The awful silence of the British virgil in the North Sea is unbroken still."
We are glad to see our old friend VIRGIL spoken of as British. It is, no doubt, the writer's forcible way of indicating Italy's sympathy.
OUR WAR MAP.
I have bought a war map. My newspaper told me to, and I did. It came yesterday with a host of little coloured flags on pins.
Helen and I surveyed it critically.
"Why, it's only an ordinary map of Europe," she said disgustedly.
"It won't be," I said, "when we've stuck the flags in."
I removed a picture and pinned the map to the wall.
"First of all there's Belgrade," I said.
"Where?" asked Helen eagerly.
"Er, er--somewhere round here, I know.... I do believe they've forgotten to put it in...."
Gladys found it for us eventually, and we arranged a very fine battle there with a river in between.
The Meuse was easier. We infested its banks with our hosts and fixed a splendid array of troops all along the Franco-German frontier. Next we invaded Germany and Austria from the other side with several Russian armies and put some local troops to meet them. Without boasting, I think I may say the result was very pretty. But to our dismay we found we had a number of armies left. Helen said they must fight somewhere.
"You can't keep all those troops idle," she said. "Look at the waste of good material."
"That's true," I admitted. "Perhaps my newspaper can help."
It did indeed contain enough rumours of battles to dispose of all our flags and a few dozen besides, but at the same time it urged me to accept unofficial statements with the greatest reserve. Mr. F. E. SMITH, it declared was the only reliable authority. Helen and I decided we could accept information from him alone. But Mr. SMITH gave us no help. I was worried for the moment, I admit; here were all these armies left in the envelope with nowhere to go to.
Then I had an inspiration such as comes to a man but seldom in a lifetime. The Fates should decide.
I pushed the furniture out of the way, led Helen to the other side of the room, blindfolded her, and thrust a British army into her hand.
"The idea is to walk across the room without looking and stick it somewhere on the map," I explained. "Scandinavia and the Peninsula are out of bounds until we hear further from the KAISER. If you hit them you have another prod."
Helen planted her army near Moscow. I took a Servian flag and planted it in the North Sea.
The game was very exciting while it lasted. I consider that I won it by placing a French force in the environs of Vienna, an extraordinarily good move. My newspaper would have been glad of the suggestion, I am sure.
Gladys was handicapped by her height, but, taking everything into consideration, I think she arranged some quite nice struggles in Sicily and the Principality of Monaco.
Wilkinson came in after dinner. He collects the latest rumours and edits them really well. Usually Helen and I find it wise to accept all his statements without a murmur, but yesterday I disagreed with him.
"I'm sorry," I said gently, "but I don't think you've got things quite right. This is more like the position of things at present," and I waved my arm in the direction of our war map.
"No," I said, "I do know the flags of the nations, and so does my wife. But I must beg you to keep that map a secret. You see, I have a friend in the inner circle who has given me some information of which the outside world knows nothing. I can rely on your discretion, I am sure."
"Of course, my dear fellow." He seemed dazed and strangely silent. He had one long last look at the map and departed muttering to himself: "A Belgian fleet off the Outer Hebrides! French troops in Nijni Novgorod!! A Montenegrin squadron menacing Mitylene!!!"
It is strange how strong the force of habit is. I went to the City as usual to-day. At lunch I met Collins, who told me he had it on very good authority that there was an Austrian fleet bombarding the forts along the Mersey and that a combined force of French and Russians had crossed the Dutch frontier from Arnheim and was advancing on Berlin.
I hurried home to record these new developments on my map, and was compelled, through shortage of flags, to displace the Servian fleet from the North Sea and Gladys's Belgian contingent from Monte Carlo.
ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
IN THE CITY.
Because beneath grey Northern skies Some grey hulls heave and fall, The merchants sell their merchandise All just as usual; Our cargoes sail for man's content The same as yesterday, And war-risk's down to 2 per cent., The underwriters say.
The clerks they sit with page and pen And fill the desks a-row, Because outside of Cuxhaven There's them to make it so; We go to lunch, as natural, From one o'clock till two, Because outside of Kiel Canal There's those that let us do.
We check and add our pass-books up Or keep our weekly Boards Unhampered by the works of KRUPP And all the KAISER'S swords; At five o'clock we have our tea And catch our usual bus-- So thank the LORD for those at sea Who guard the likes of us.
THE COWARDLY CONSUMERS CO-OPERATIVE COMPANY.
The C.C.C.C. has been formed to provide for the wants of unpatriotic or panic-stricken persons in all parts of the country.
WRITE TO US TO-DAY.
WE HAVE MADE COMPLETE ARRANGEMENTS FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE.
A FULL DINNER-TABLE FOR YOU WHILE OTHERS STARVE.
SOUPS.--The mock turtles we supply are quite tame, and while waiting to be made into soup should keep your children amused. We also deliver Salted Oxtail by the furlong. Send for patterns.
FISH.--Try one of our Frozen Whales and assure your fish course for the next six months.
JOINTS.--Sheep-folds supplied at shortest notice to fit your tennis court, or you might order one of our Handy Styes, which have accommodation for half-a-dozen pigs and are suitable for erection in a corner of any flat or private residence.
SWEETS.--Our "one ton" plum puddings placed in position on your premises by our own cranes.
READ OUR TESTIMONIALS.
WRITE US FOR QUOTATIONS FOR ANY QUANTITY OF PROVISIONS REQUIRED.
So long as the order is large enough we will execute it. No orders for less value than ?50 accepted.
Our Hoarding Department has prepared a neat stocking capable of holding 750 sovereigns. Please ask to see one.
All goods are delivered in our own heavily armoured pantechnicons.
A charming miniature White Feather, suitable for personal adornment, will be presented to all customers.
Take no notice whatever of any warnings in the newspapers not to buy largely. Think of yourselves. It is only you who matter. Buy now; buy quantities.
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