Read Ebook: The Vanished Pomps of Yesterday Being Some Random Reminiscences of a British Diplomat by Hamilton Frederic Lord

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Ebook has 777 lines and 91661 words, and 16 pages

Editor: F. C. Burnand

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 104, MAY 6TH 1893

edited by Sir Francis Burnand

A PATHETIC LAMENT.

Then the lurid posters on paling and chimney-stack Were the terror of every town-- Till a League was started by Mr. WILLIAM BLACK For the purpose of putting them down; And the sympathetic invited its efforts to back With an annual half-a-crown.

So I cheerfully paid the fee, and my name was enrolled, And a solemn oath I swore; That, in future, no shop or store Which aggressively advertised any article sold I would patronise any more!

But that mad rash oath I recall with a vain regret, As I brood in bitter complaint, On the number of useful things that I'm dying to get-- And my conscience tells me I mayn't! As their various virtues are vaunted in letters of jet, Or gaudier gilding and paint!

I should like to be clean if I could--but I cannot cope, Without saponaceous aid, With a shower of London smuts--and I'm losing hope, Getting daily a dingier shade, In a futile search for a genuine Toilet-soap That has shunned meretricious parade!

And now I'm developing symptoms of bodily ills, But, however sanguine I've felt, Of a cure from So-and-So's Syrup, Elixir, or Pills, Or his Neuro-magnetic Belt-- Can I buy, when their fame is based on a stratum of bills Down every area dealt?

And even my path to a tranquil tomb is barred While that oath continues to bind; For a coffin and funeral car will be somewhat hard For a faithful adherent to find-- When already each undertaker has left a card With his terms and "inquiries kind"!

TO BLACKHAM'S BOYS.

THE FUTURE HOPED BY HAWKINS.

QUERY AT SOME FASHIONABLE SEA-SIDE RESORT.--Do the unpleasant odours noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide being high? If so, is the tide sometimes higher than usual, as the--ahem!--odours certainly are?

SONG FOR AN EMPEROR AFTER A VISIT TO CANOSSA.-- "Be it ever so humbling, there's no place like Rome!"

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

"Be careful," said PRINCE ARTHUR; "ticklish subject, you know. They're sure to have HALSBURY up, and there unquestionably was a degree of monotony about his appointments to Commission of Peace."

"Oh bother HALSBURY," said CURZON, to whom nothing is sacred. "He's used to it by this time. You know what happened to the viper who bit the Cappadocian's hide? HALSBURY's all right."

"Boys will be boys," said PRINCE ARTHUR, looking at them regretfully, and thinking of his own forty-five years. "But perhaps it will be just as well if I clear out;" which he did, and so missed a lively debate.

That Elderly Young Man, HANBURY, not in best form for such operations. Lacks lightness of touch. HENRY JAMES also better out of it. Gave performance serious turn, when he declared that in borough of Bury BRYCE, as soon as he came into office, appointed eight Magistrates, all Liberals. That sounded very bad; Mr. G. looked serious; some disposition shown on Treasury Bench to draw apart from BRYCE. All very well to talk about HALSBURY'S goings on; but if this sort of thing done by Liberal purists, things seem rotten all round. When BRYCE came to reply, he quietly added to JAMES'S statement of case that, when he went to the Duchy, he found of eighteen Magistrates sixteen were Unionists, only two Liberals. He had, it is true, appointed six Liberals and two working-men, whose politics he did not know. Bury Bench, accordingly, now consisted of sixteen Unionists, eight Liberals, and two working-men. Members wondered if JAMES knew that when he made his statement? Hoped he didn't. All very well with wig and gown on, and brief in hand; but House doesn't like this kind of thing in debate.

CURZON'S statement about sad condition of Magisterial Bench at Southport, owing to machinations of an iniquitous Chancellor of the Duchy, turned out to be not more completely based on fact than was JAMES'S. But difference of manner in dealing with case, everything. No one took CURZON seriously, and so no harm done. His explanation of preponderance of Conservative Magistrates on Lancashire Bench delightful. As good as some touches of DIZZY, of whose younger, lighter manner, he much reminded old-stagers. It was true, he admitted that, on Lancashire Bench, preponderance of Magistrates was with Conservatives. But how had it been brought about? asked the Strayed Reveller from the Corea. "Why, it is because the disturbing, mischievous policy of the Right Hon. Gentleman opposite" "has driven into the opposite ranks most of the intelligent, respectable men, from whom Justices are chosen."

On Division, Vote of Censure on BRYCE negatived by 260 votes; against 186. "I'm not sure," said JOKIM, whose views of humour are limited, "that, what I may call the gain of three hours lost, is worth the price paid; to wit, the opportunity given to BRYCE of disclosing the actual state of things in Lancashire in the matter of Magisterial Bench, and the consequent doubling of the Ministerial Majority."

"Well, as I remarked before," said Prince ARTHUR, who had come back for the Division, "Boys will be boys."

DORINGTON dragged in case of farmer, and small landowner; conversation turned on Depression of Agriculture; the WOOLWICH INFANT presented himself to view of sympathetic House as specimen of what a man of ordinarily healthy habits might be brought to by necessity of paying Income-tax on the gross rental of house property. A procession of friends of the Agriculturist was closed by portly figure of CHAPLIN, another effective object-lesson suitable for illustration of lectures on Agricultural Depression. Mr. G., feeling there was no necessity for speech, had resolutely withstood the others. CHAPLIN at the table, proved irresistible. To him, CHAPLIN is embodiment of the heresy of Protection, Bi-metallism, and other emanations of the Evil One. When CHAPLIN sat down, PREMIER romped in, and, having delivered the inevitable speech, went off home, soothed, and satisfied.

Just after seven, debate adjourned. For all practical purposes, it might as well have been concluded. But House doesn't get many opportunities of debate; not disposed riotously to squander this chance one.

PANEFUL!

It was the Palace of the Board, The Board of London's Schooling, Where Members lately have enjoyed Some high artistic fooling.

"Oh, why"--hear Mr. COXHEAD plead, In tones of sheer amazement-- "Do hideous faces wrought in glass Stare down from every casement?"

Then up spake General MOBERLY, The Board's supreme apologist, And told them all the time of day Like any good horologist.

"The Architect," quoth he, "had planned To grave upon the panes Portraits of bygone Classic wights, Of British youth the banes.

"But as the Chairman of the Works' Committee he had said, That CICERO should be deposed, And DIGGLE reign instead.

Further, he argued that it would Only be right and manly If ARCHIMEDES did resign His pane to LYULPH STANLEY.

And out he brought his final word Both modestly and soberly-- "I think that JULIUS CAESAR might Give place to General MOBERLY!"

TO ZANTE.

"IN THE KEY OF RUTHENE."

Nay, don't be alarmed, for I'm no supersubtle Decadent bard with an eye full of green; I merely Am "making a note" in the key of Ruthene.

More "clamant" than carmine, vermilion, crimson, Costlier than diamond or ultramarine-- A deuce of a theme to chant lyrics or hymns on, Or rummage for orotund "rot," is Ruthene.

Orange-hued are the Odalisque's henna-dyed fingers, English girls' lips are encarnadine; A rubicund flame round the toper's nose lingers-- But I'm blest if they rival the blush of Ruthene.

Pink huntsman, gules ensign, deep flush of the sunset, Cardinal's scarlet, "red" gold have I seen, With red ruin, red rhubarb, red herring--but none set My iris afire as does red-hot Ruthene.

THE SCOTTISH TREVELYANDERER.

Some talk of Gerrymander, and some of HERCHELLES, Of HALSBURY and Mr. BRYCE, and such great names as these. But of all the world's great jobbers none compare With the job, job, job, job, job, job, of the "Tre-vel-yan-der-er!"

GERRY, of Massachusetts, was smartish, for his time, But HOZIER "goes one better," it moves his soul to rhyme. Our Scottish Wegg drops into verse--though queer. About the game--which two can play--of the "Tre-vel-yan-de-rer!"

There's Jove, the god of thunder, and Mars, the god of war, Brave Neptune, with his trident, but here's a greater, far! HOZIER-Apollo now is seen descending from his sphere To string betimes impromptu rhymes on the "Tre-vel-yan-de-rer!"

MR. G. "SHADOWED."--Of course even Mr. G. cannot be "The Shadowless Man," except under the terms of that weird story, "which is impossible." The Police have arrived at one important point about the recently arrested TOWNSEND. They now say, "We know that man, he comes from Sheffield."

A WORK OF--SOME IMPORTANCE.

MEMS, FROM THE O. W. UNCOMMONPLACE BOOK.

"Essentials for success of modern play are 'Latitude and Platitude.' First being risky is saved by second."

FLOWERS OF FASHION.

A PENNY WISE.--The new import of the latest Budget may be aptly called "A Penny for your Thoughts," as no one pays a tax upon his income as it really exists, but as he believes it to be.

THE PICK OF THE R.A. PICTURES.

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