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Read Ebook: Bearly Reasonable by Tuttle W C Wilbur C
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Ebook has 270 lines and 12806 words, and 6 pages
Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark
Bearly Reasonable
by W. C. Tuttle
"Ike," sez Magpie Simpkins, pointin' down th' trail, "th' feller what said, 'Th' worst is yet to come,' must 'a' meant that outfit comin' our way."
I takes uh good look and agrees. In th' lead is Ricky Henderson, on his calico bronc, and behind him is three figgers on burrows. Th' leadin' one looks like uh cross between uh Holy Roller proselyte and uh fence picket. Th' legs of th' critter is bent back at th' knees to keep its feet off th' ground, an th' rest of its body 'pears to have been soaked in starch before it seasoned.
It's wearin' uh swaller-tailed coat, buttoned at th' top, makin' it swell in th' breeze like th' wings of uh turkey-buzzard, and th' peaked, side-whiskered face which bobs at th' top is crowned with uh hard hat. It is also wearin' black-rimmed specs, and enough black ribbon floats from th' top to furnish mournin' fer uh wake.
Th' next in line is uh fe-male person, and uh glance shows that she ain't built fer neither speed nor comfort. Th' pore li'l burrow she's ridin' is wig-waggin' uh distress signal with its ears, and threatens to cave in at th' knees in uh short time.
Th' next in line is one uh them human carbuncles. He's so danged fat that his clothes ache, and he has to lift his yaller eyebrows plumb to th' top of his bald head to git his eyes open. When I first sees his face I'm inclined to git th' skin of uh aig to put on it and draw it to uh head.
Behind this caravan loiters five burros and they're so danged loaded down with plunder that all yuh can see is their ears. While me and Magpie stands on th' steps of our cabin, at th' Silver Threads mine, this aggregation peerades to uh standstill before us, and that she-packin' burro hee-haws with relief.
"Here we are," states Ricky, turnin' in his saddle and grinnin' at his followers.
"Thank goodness!" snorts th' fe-male. "I feel that I'm jolted to a shadow. Shall we dismount?"
"Ricky, yuh might make us used to yore friends, and tell us why you terminates th' peerade at this point," sez Magpie.
"This person," sez Ricky, pointin' at th' lean critter, "is Perfessor Phinney. Th' lady is his wife, and this here robust party is Doctor Doolittle. They're from th' East--" and then he turns to them:
"Yuh will--in uh hearse," snaps Magpie. "Come back here, yuh blamed coyote and explain why yuh shirks yore duty. What's th' great idea?"
"My duty is done," states Ricky. "These here persons desire to hire competent persons so I brings' em up here. Every man in Piperock holds up their hands and swears that they ain't competent, so what could I do? You and Ike shore must be. I reckon th' perfessor can tell yuh what he wants, Magpie. I hates to deprive yuh of my company, but I'm uh right busy man."
"No depravity, Ricky," sez Magpie. "Run right along home."
And then he turns to th' outfit. Th' three of 'em are off their mounts, and busy rubbin' th' circulation back into their legs. I feels that th' perfessor has some chore, 'cause he has quite uh strip uh country to hear from.
"I--er--shall try and explain in a few words," sez th' perfessor, peekin' at us over th' tops of his specs. "I am up here to settle an argument between myself and Professor Manning. Isn't it queer what an argument between friends will bring forth?"
"Uh-huh," agrees Magpie. "She shore is. I've knowed six good men to git killed on th' spot, four more in th' pen, and dozens who have been crippled fer life over friendly arguments."
"How unique!" exclaims th' perfessor's heavier half. "How unique."
"Yes'm," agrees Magpie, "two of 'em was, but th' rest was jist common ordinary arguments."
"As I was--er--saying," continues th' perfessor, "I am up here to settle a friendly argument."
"Th' question is?" asks Magpie.
"Do rattlesnakes and prairie-dogs live together in harmony, and will a female grizzly recognize its own offspring after it has been away from, it for twenty-four hours."
"Why didn't yuh write to me? I'd 'a' told yuh."
"Doctor," pipes th' perfessor, "there's no use arguing with me. This is a serious question. Professor Manning's theory is wrong, and I am going to prove it."
"Can't I believe my own eyes?" wails th' ol' pelican. "Can't I see these things?"
"My husband, being a scientist, is very observing," states Mrs. Perfessor.
"Also set in his ways," states th' doc, lightin' one uh them dude cigarets, which smells like th' place where uh circus has jist moved away. "All I hope is that I get some good shooting."
"Unpack?" asks th' perfessor. "Do you mean to remove the impedimenta from the backs of our beasts of burden?"
"Bein' funny is a art," states Magpie, "but art ain't appreciated here in th' hills. Jist take th' plunder off them canaries, and settle down."
"But, my man, that's your duty. That's part of what I'm paying you for."
Magpie looks foolish like at me and then back at th' perfessor. Th' doc lifts his eyebrows to th' eaves of his face and manages to wiggle one eyelid until uh person would almost admit it was uh wink.
"Perfessor," sez Magpie, "I ain't yore man. I never seen yuh before, and I ain't worryin' about yuh in th' future. I never hired out to yuh, and I ain't acquainted with yore rollin' stock to th' extent that I wishes to remove their loads. Who wished yuh on to us anyway and why?"
Th' perfessor removes his hard hat and squints at Magpie.
"The--er--person who brought us up here informed me that you were perfectly competent. Was we misinformed?"
"Misinformed? No, ol'-timer, you was lied to. Sabe?"
"Th' fact of th' matter is this," states th' doc. "Professor Phinney wants to engage the services of you and Mister Harper. He is willing to pay you a reasonable amount for your services, and is also able to offer a substantial bonus in case you can help him prove or disprove his contention. Am I right, Professor?"
"Yeaus," drawls th' ol' coot.
He's uh funny ol' rooster. He allus sez "Yeaus" instead uh "Uh-huh." I don't reckon he ever figgered that th' Lord only give him one set uh vocal cords, or else he didn't care if he did wear 'em out early in life. Every danged word he orates sounds like th' letters had been carved out uh granite, and he was afraid to let 'em all fall to oncet fer fear some of 'em might git scratched or busted.
"Yuh might explain th' bonus part," sez Magpie.
"You see," sez th' perfessor, "for my own personal satisfaction I would observe the home life of the rattlesnake and prairie-dog, but the most important is the test of the maternal instinct in the grizzly bear.
"I shall expect you to furnish me with the opportunity to carry out this experiment to a satisfactory conclusion, and in case you can do so to my satisfaction, I am willing to remunerate you to the extent of two hundred dollars each. Of course I am prepared to pay you each five dollars per day. Do you feel competent to assist me?"
Magpie sticks his thumbs into his belt, shifts his weight on to one leg, and squints at them burros.
"Ike," sez he, "remove th'--er--imped-- imped--th' packs off them beasts uh burden."
And then to th' perfessor:
"Competent is my middle name. When it comes to th' maternal instinct of grizzly bears I feels as competent as uh hungry coyote in uh herd uh sick sheep. Ike is a authority on snakes and gophers, so between us I reckon you'll git enough material to last yuh a lifetime. What do yuh know about grizzlies?"
"Nothing at all," sez th' perfessor. "I fear that I wouldn't know one if I were to meet it. I'll admit it was a foolish argument, when neither Professor Manning nor myself are at all familiar with natural history, but it is things like this that lend zest to life. Am I right, Mister Simpson?"
"Simpkins," sez Magpie. "Uh-huh, I reckon it does. Yessir, I'd shore agree that it might. But, Perfessor, if I was in yore place, not bein' familiar with grizzlies, I'd shore side-step anythin' I met that wasn't familiar. There's one redeemin' feature about uh grizzly--he don't stop to argue. One or two uh them square-heads would put enough zest in uh man's life to keep him supplied fer right smart of uh time."
Well, that shore was some outfit. Them packs looks like uh travelin' banquet. There's three foldin' bunks, sleepin' bags, rubber bathtubs and most everything that uh man can't use in th' hills. Also there is enough fancy grub to feed uh roundup. I manages to git them things off th' jacks, and Magpie comes over and looks 'em over.
"My Gawd," sez he. "This is th' limit, hammered to uh sharp point. What'll we do with 'em, Ike?"
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