Read Ebook: The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce Volume 12 In Motley by Bierce Ambrose

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Ebook has 1690 lines and 82093 words, and 34 pages

There is nothing beautifuller than cats When they are little kits, But some day they grow up to be big toms And hunches up their backs and spits.

Cats catches mice, which if they wasn't caught Would be drownded in the honey, And the preserves, and the jams, and the jellies, And maybe poison Billy and Johnny.

I never have saw such rot, but Uncle Ned he says: "I beg for to remind you, fair youth, that you have yet to peruse the work of Ella Wheeler Wilcox."

If I was a poet I would not write about spitcats, no, indeed, it would be all about the eagle, which is the king of beasts and fixes its eye on to the sun, and soars aloof into the blue imperial, and defies the lion and her welps!

Once there was a eagle which was a show, and a man which was to the show dropped a twenty dollar gold piece and it rolled into the eagles cage. The eagle it looked at it a while, and called his wife and said, the eag did: "That feller threw his poker check in here, and I guess he thought I would swaller it cause it has a chicken on one side, but Ide blush for to have such a nasty lookin rooster cut out of my craw."

My sisters young man he says when he was a boy and went to school him and a other boy had a readin lesson about animals. The teacher, which was near sighted, he had lost his spettacles and couldn't tell one word from a other, and they knew it. So when they stood up for to read, my sisters young man he begun and said: "The cat is the loftiest centipede which sweeps the horizon and scowers the plain."

The teacher he said: "What's that, whats that?"

Then my sisters young man he looked at the book, real atentive and said it again. The teacher he said: "Lemmy see that book, youngster, just lemmy see it."

When he got the book he poked his long nose in it and pretended for to read, and then he scratched his head where it didn't itch and told the other boy to go on and read too. The other boy he looked at the book and said, like he was readin: "The cat is found in every country of the globe, but it likes republics the best, and when it soars aloft the nations of the earth tremble so that you can see them shake."

The teacher looked at the book a other time, close to, but bime by he give it back and said, the teacher did: "Young men, that readin lesson looks to the yuman eye jest like it has looked for twenty years, but I guess I have got to get some spettacles for my ears."

But the ears of the jackus are a spettacle their selves, for the jack he is a bird of bray.

THE CRANE

I asked Uncle Ned what makes the crane stand on one foot for to sleep, and he spoke up and said: "Johnny, you have opened the door of optunity to my waitin soul and I will come out into the light and make everything clear.

"One day in the Garden of Eden Adam he see a lot of animals playin. There was all your old friends, the ephalent, the lion, the tagger, the hi potamus, the giraft, the kangaroon, the rhi naughty furious and some of the little fellers. Adam he looked on a while, real sad, for he knew, Adam did, that some day they would be tearin one a other to rags and sheddin gore excessive, such being the ordained consquences of his own sins. Bime by he flang away his gloomy reflections and said: 'You fellers is mighty playful, but you are terible clumsy. I bet there isn't one of you which can stand on one laig.'

"They all tried, but they fell every time. Then the crane, which was a standin by a pond a little way off, talkin to a frog, he tossed his bill up, real contemptible, and strutted in to their midst, and liftin up one leg stood on the other like a statute.

"Adam he looked a while and then he said: 'Impudence is the king of badfulness. The athletical test which I proposed was for quadpeds, and any gam doodled creepin thing which butts in takes his life in his hand, for I am give dominion over all the beasts of the field, and all the fishes of the sea, and all the birds of the foul air, and every thing which was made in 6 days.'

"The crane tossed his head scornful and said: 'We have had all that before; give us a rest.'

"Adam he said: 'Motion is the mother of fatigue. You jest stand like you are till tomorrow morning and maybe you will be rested.'

"So the crane he had to do it, and it made him so tired out that to this day he sleeps frequent, and he always has to do it on one laig. And that ought to teach little boys for to not butt in."

When Uncle Ned had told me a bout the crane I asked him did he know what makes the loon laugh.

He said: "Yes, indeed, Ime jest the feller which can whack up the desired infmation, to the queens taste. Most peoples they think it is because he has a comical disposition, but they are mistook, for generally speakin he is the solemest aquatical bird which sails the seas over, but he is cursed with a fatal memory.

"One time, a little while after the world was made, Adam and Eve was a sittin by the side of a lake, and there was a loon hid in the reeds which grew in the water. Adam he held Eves hand, and stroked it, and patted her on the shoulder, and ran his fingers through her hair, and done all them things which crazy folks do and sensible fellers like me and you dont understand. Bime by Eve she up and said: 'Adam, do you love me?'

"Adam he said, Adam did: 'How couldnt I, when you are the sweetest woman in the world?'

"Eve she smiled real bright, and after a while she said a other time: 'Forgive me, dearest, if I pain you, but I have been worryin so much about some thing. Was you ever in love before?'

"Adam he look at her real solem out of his eyes, and then he rose his right hand up and said: 'No, darling, I swear it, never till I met you.'

"Then Eve she snuggled down close to him and murmured: 'O Adam, it gives me such joy for to hear you say that!'

"It give the loon joy too, and his laughture rang out over the waters, loud and shrill and echo answered from the hill. And to this day he laughs whenever he thinks of the women folks."

But if me and Billy had been there we would have ringed the loons neck, cause the Bible it says that scoffers shall be casted into Abrahams bosom. Loons is mammals, and the walrus is poultry, and cracky diles is ally gaters, and the camel is the sheep of the desert and is hunted for its plumes. And thats why I say how wonderful is the works of Man!

THE SNAKE

The fish is a animal and the bird is a beast, but snakes is a fo to man. The snake he is the same as serpents, only he hasnt no feets, and that makes him mad and he bites every thing which is in the world. Snakes is pizen, but the hog he says: "I dont care, it wont do you any good for to bite me."

Then the snake he says: "It dont do me no good for to bite any kind of feller, that aint why I do it, I aint selfish."

So he whacks away at the hog and hollers hooray! But the hog he catches him by the middle and makes 2 snakes of him in a minute and says: "I'm pretty bitey my self, thank you."

Hogs is pork, but Jakey Epstein he says he would rather be one than eat one. But give me a sucker nice roasted, with plenty mashed potatoes, and apple sauce, and pickles, and hot cakes, and mince pie, and walnuts, and you will see a boy which knows his own mind. Hogs is bristly, but the ally gater has notches in the spine of his back and eats niggers.

Uncle Ned, which has been in Indy and every where, he says the Gangee river is over flowin with gaters, and one time he see a gater a lyin on the bank asleep, and he told his servant, which was a natif nigger: "Take a ax and chop up that dead tree into stove wood," cause thats what Uncle Ned thought it was. The servant he thought so too and said: "Yessir," and Uncle Ned he went away to shoot rabbits in the jingle. When he come back he went in the bungaloo and found the servant covered up nice and warm in bed. Uncle Ned said: "You lazy feller, did you chop up that log, like I told you?"

The feller he said: "I tried to, sir, but it come to life."

Uncle Ned he spoke up, real sarcastical, and said: "O sure, and I suppose it put forth some limbs, didnt it?"

The feller said: "Yessir, it put forth some on each side."

Uncle Ned said a other time: "It blossomed too, maybe."

The nigger feller said: "Yessir, bout 3 feet wide, you ought to have saw it open like it was a morning glory!"

Then Uncle Ned, which was still ironical, he said: "Did it take root?"

The nigger feller thought a while and then he said: "I was a bit upset and can't recollect that it took any thing only but jest my laig."

But if a gater wanted Billys laig he would cut its head off with a long sword and say: "That will teach you for to not ask for it, cause I want it to go to school with." Billy is the bravest boy he ever saw, and licks Sammy Doppy every little while.

A other time in Indy Uncle Ned was a walkin in the jingle and a long slender snake jumped at him and bit him on the hand and ran away. Then Uncle Ned he run as hard as he could for to get home and die in the bosom of his club. While he was a runnin and a prayin for his sins to be forgave he see a natif nigger a sittin by the road side, and the natif nigger had three jest such snakes twisted all round his naked arms and bitin, real cruel, but he had got all their tails into one hand.

Then Uncle Ned he stopped and said: "Poor feller, I have been bit too. As there isnt any hope for us now, we will sell our lifes as dear as we can to them deadly cobrys."

So he threw off his coat and pitched in and grabbed the snakes tails too. Then the native nigger he sed: "Thankee, sir, I guess we will be able for to manage them now. There is to be a party tonight, and I have been tryin for more than half a hour to braid these fellers into a necklace for the stomach of my wife's belly, but they are so squirmy I thought I would have to give it up."

Uncle Ned he was a stonished, and he said: "What! isnt them reptiles pizen?"

The natif nigger he said: "How can I know? Do you suppose I ever et one?"

One day my father he spoke up and said: "Johnny, did you ever hear about the good man which found a frozen snake and warmed it in his bosom, and when the snake got nice and comftable it bit him?"

I said: "Yessir, every fool has heard about that."

Then my father he said: "My boy, the goodness isnt all on one side, for one time a snake found a man which was cold, and the snake warmed the man in its bosom too."

Then I said: "What did the man do when he had got the chill off him?"

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