Homepage
Login
Profile
BookClubs
dmBox
Read Ebook: Chambers's Journal of Popular Literature Science and Art Fifth Series No. 47 Vol. I November 22 1884 by Various
Font size:
Background color:
Text color:
Add to tbrJar First Page Next Page
Ebook has 335 lines and 20511 words, and 7 pages
Editor: Owen Seaman
Transcriber's note:
The original has a number of inconsistent spellings and punctuation. Five corrections have been made for obvious typographical errors; these, as well as one doubtful spelling, have been noted individually in the text. All notes are surrounded by braces .
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
VOL. 159
NOVEMBER 24, 1920.
CHARIVARIA.
No sooner had the League of Nations met at Geneva than news came of the pending retirement of Mr. CHARLIE CHAPLIN. We never seem to be able to keep more than one Great Idea going at a time.
"Have you read Mrs. Asquith's Book?" asks an evening paper advertisement. "What book?" may we ask.
"In our generation," says Dean INGE, "there are no great men." It is said that Sir ERIC GEDDES will not take this lying down.
Since the Gloomy Dean's address at Wigmore Hall it is suggested that the world should be sold to defray expenses while there is yet time.
"What is wanted to-day," says Mr. H. M. RIODEN, "is a Destruction of Pests Bill." "Jaded Householder" writes to say that when this becomes law anybody can have the name of his rate-collector.
"Dendrology," says a contemporary, "is an admirable pursuit for women." We seem to remember, however, that one of the earliest female arboriculturists made a sad mess of it.
According to the U.S.A. Bureau of Standards the pressure of the jaw during mastication is eleven tons to the square inch. If this is propaganda work on behalf of the United States' bacon industry we regard it as particularly crude.
A Sioux City millionaire is said to have paid two hundred pounds for a goat. He claims that it is the only thing in Iowa that has whiskers and isn't thirsty.
It is said that Mr. BOTTOMLEY is about to make a powerful announcement to the effect that the present year will be nearly all over by Christmas.
In connection with the Ministry of Health Bill, we read, not a penny of additional expenditure or expense will fall on the ratepayer or taxpayer. People are now wondering whether the Government thought of that one themselves.
Balls made of newspapers soaked in oil are said to be a good substitute for coal. It seems as if newspapers are determined to get a good circulation somehow.
Cars that run into four figures were to be seen at many stands at the recent Motor Show. In the ordinary way motor-cars run into as many figures as get in their way.
It appears that the man who was knocked down in Charing Cross Road by a motor-scooter was one of the middle class, and so could not afford to have it done properly by a motor-car.
A man charged at the Guildhall admitted that he had been convicted sixty-seven times. Indeed it is understood that he has only to say "Season" to be admitted to any police-court.
"Pussyfoot beaten," announces a headline. We hear, however, that he intends to have another try when the water-rate is not quite so high.
A Streatham youth has been fined ten shillings for causing a disturbance by imitating a cat at night. He said everything would have gone off well if somebody had not made a noise like a policeman.
"All men are cowards," declares a lady-writer in a weekly journal. Still it should be remembered that one of us married the lady who is now known as "Mrs. Grundy."
In describing a storm a local paper recently stated that waves seventy feet high lashed themselves to fury against the rocks. We have always been given to understand that waves never exceed fifteen feet, but we suppose everything has gone up since the War.
"When is the Government going to commence operations in connection with the Channel Tunnel?" asks a correspondent in a daily paper. We understand that unless the English homing rabbit, recently released at Calais, puts in an appearance on this side once again, the idea will be abandoned as impracticable.
HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS.
"Head Laundress wanted, titled lady."
This is what results from washing dirty linen in public.
"L'AMITI? FRANCO-ANGLAISE
UN T?L?GRAMME DU ROI GEORGE I^ER ? M. MILLERAND."
The attention of the POSTMASTER-GENERAL should be drawn to the unusually long delay in delivery.
And now the pie with the four-and-twenty blackbirds must also take a back seat.
BELLES OF THE BALL.
A football eleven composed of work-girls from a Lancashire factory recently journeyed to Paris to play a team of French female footballers. With women forcing an entry into the ranks of minor professions, such as the Law and Politics, it is doubtful if even the sacred precincts of professional football can now be considered safe, and Mr. Punch wonders if he may soon find himself reading in the Sporting Columns of the Press paragraphs something in the nature of the following:--
Kitty Golightly, who has the reputation of being one of the fastest young women seen in London this season, has now definitely thrown in her lot with the Tottenham Hotstuff. Her forward work is likely to cause something in the nature of a sensation.
The dropping of Hilda Smith from the League team of Newcastle United has been much criticised by football enthusiasts throughout the country. We are, however, in a position to state that there has been trouble between Hilda Smith and the Newcastle Directors for some time past. It appears that Newcastle's brilliant full-back objected to wearing the Newcastle jersey, on the plea that its sombre colour-scheme did not suit her complexion. She pointed out that Fanny Robinson, the Newcastle goal-keeper, wore an all-red jersey and that, as the shade chosen was most becoming to anyone with dark hair, she claimed the right to wear red also. The Newcastle Directors replied that under the laws of the Football Association the goal-keeper is required to wear distinctive colours from the rest of the team. That being so, Hilda Smith would only consent to turn out in future on condition that she should play in goal, and as the club management would not agree to displacing Fanny Robinson the only thing to be done was to leave Hilda Smith out of the side entirely.
What would have been a very serious misfortune to the team chosen to represent England in the forthcoming International against Wales has only just been averted. But for the common-sense and good feeling of all concerned, Dolly Brown, the English captain, might have found herself assisting the Welsh side instead of her own country's eleven. Not long ago this brilliant back became engaged to a Welsh gentleman from Llanfairfechan and the wedding had been fixed for Thursday next. Under the present state of the British Constitution a married woman takes on the nationality of her husband, and had the marriage been solemnized before the International Match on Saturday Dolly Brown would have been ineligible for England and available for Wales. On this being pointed out to her she at once consented to postpone her marriage, like the patriotic sportswoman she is, and in the meantime legislation is to be rushed through both Houses of Parliament to alter the absurd state of the law and retain for England the services of one of the finest backs that ever fouled a forward.
Mr. Ted Hustler, the popular chairman of the Villa North End Club, has been away from home for some days, rumour being strong in his native city that he has gone to Scotland after Jennie Macgregor. On our representative calling at Mr. Hustler's house this morning to inquire if it really were true that Mr. Hustler has for a long time had his eye on Jennie Macgregor, Mrs. Hustler, the charming wife of the chairman, was understood to reply that she would like to catch him at it.
The regrettable incident at Stamford Bridge on Saturday last, when Gertie Swift was sent off the field by the referee, is to our mind yet another example of the misguided policy of the League management. Gertie Swift was strongly reprimanded by Mr. G. H. Whistler, the official in charge of the match, for an alleged offence. Gertie Swift retorted. Mr. Whistler warned her. Gertie again retorted. Mr. Whistler then ordered Gertie to retire from the game. Whilst we quite agree that a referee must exercise a strong control it is perfectly obvious that no self-respecting woman player is going to allow any mere man to have the last word; and the sooner the Football Association realise this and dispense with the services of all male referees the better for the good of the game.
Our arrangements for a full report of the English Cup Final are now completed. Our fashion experts are to journey to London with both teams, and a detailed description of the hats and travelling costumes worn by the players will appear in an extra special edition of this paper. We understand that the two rival elevens are to turn out in silk jumpers knitted in correct club colours by the players' own fair hands during the more restful periods of their strenuous training.
A CASUAL FAMILY.
INCREASED OUTPUT.
Up, Muse, and get your wings unfurled! My rhymes at double speed must flow; Now, from this hour, the astonished world Must see my output daily grow. And why? I want some coal--a ton or so.
Coal is my greatest need, the crest And pinnacle of my desires; And as I toil with feverish zest 'Twill be the dream of blazing fires That spurs me to my labour and inspires.
I wonder if the miner too Has visions in his dark abyss Which urge him on to hack and hew That he may so achieve the bliss Of buying great and deathless songs .
COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
Notice in a Canadian book-shop:--
"It often happens that you are unable to obtain just the book you want. We specialise in this branch of book-selling."
What we admire is her presence of mind in first removing the baby.
Always be polite to burglars. You never know when they may call again.
Add to tbrJar First Page Next Page