Read Ebook: Chambers's Journal of Popular Literature Science and Art Fifth Series No. 47 Vol. I November 22 1884 by Various

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Always be polite to burglars. You never know when they may call again.

Self-praise, it used to be held, is no recommendation; but that was before the War. The War has altered so many things that it may have altered this too, and self-praise be the best recommendation of all. Mr. Punch hopes so, because he wants to indulge for the moment in extolling one of his own products; he wishes, in short, to urge upon all his readers the merits of "Mr. Punch's History of the Great War." Everything is here, in very noteworthy synthesis; the tragedy and the comedy inextricably mingled, as they must ever be, but as by more formal historians they are not.

Such is Mr. Punch's opinion on Mr. Punch's own book, which is no formal history of the War in the strict or scientific sense of the phrase; no detailed record of naval and military operations. Rather it is a mirror of varying moods, reflecting in the main how England remained steadfastly true to her best traditions; a reflex of British character during the days of doubt and the hours of hope that marked the strenuous and wearying days of the War.

No more popular history of the War has been written; it has been eulogised everywhere, for it is a book that every citizen of the Empire should read and be proud to possess. As a Christmas gift it is ideal, and will be gladly welcomed not only by those at home, but also by those in Canada, Australia, India, South Africa, and other parts of our far-flung Empire, whose gallant sons shared the horrors and the victory of those four-and-a-half years.

To read this book will help us to realise the great debt, unpaid and unpayable, to our immortal dead and to the valiant survivors, to whom we owe freedom and security.

CASSELL & Co., Ltd. La Belle Sauvage, London, E.C.4

USE THIS ORDER FORM FOR

UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.

Which is boyhood's commonest ambition, to run away to sea or to be something on a railway line? And how few, when they are grown up, find that they have realised either of these desires! The present Minister of Transport has freely confessed to his intimates that more than once, when he was floating paper-boats in his bath or climbing a tree in the garden to look out for icebergs from the crow's-nest, he felt in his child's heart that water was the ultimate quest, the adventure, the gleam. And yet for many a long year railways entranced and enslaved him. Often he would sit for hours, forgetful of the griddle cakes rapidly being burnt to a cinder, and gaze at the puffs of steam coming from the spout of the kettle or the quick vibrations of its lid, planning in his mind some greater and better engine that should be known perhaps as The Snorting Eric, and be enshrined in glass on Darlington platform.

Going from strength to strength this apparently dreamy lad had climbed the giddy rungs of fame until, at the outbreak of war, he stood with the ball at his feet and the title of Deputy General Manager of the N.E.R. It was he who had invented the system whereby the handle of the heating apparatus in railway carriages could be turned either to OFF or ON without any consequent infiltration of steam, thereby saving passengers from the peril of death by suffocation. It was he who, thumping the table with an iron fist, had insisted vehemently that caged parrots travelling in the rack should, if capable of speech, be compelled to pay the full fare. It was he who effected one of the greatest economies that the line had ever known by using rock-cakes which had served their term of years in the refreshment-room as a substitute for the keys which hold the metals of the permanent way in their chairs.

In the summer of 1914 he was about to adopt a patent device for connecting the official notices in compartments with gramophones concealed under the seats in such a way that when humourists had by dint of much labour made the customary emendations, such as "IT IS DANGEROUS TO LEAP OUT OF THE WINDOWS," "TO STOP THE RAIN PULL DOWN THE CHAIN" and "TO EAT FIVE PERSONS ONLY," a loud and merry peal of laughter should suddenly hail the completed masterpiece.

Armageddon supervened, and the rest of Sir ERIC GEDDES' career is history. When a new and sure hand was needed at the Admiralty, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE was not long in making the only suitable choice. Sir ERIC GEDDES' bluff hearty manner, positively smacking, despite his inland training, of all that a viking ought to smack of, had long marked him out as the ideal ruler of the King's Navy, and his name was soon known and feared wherever the seagull dips its wing. Underneath the breezy exterior lay an iron will, like a precipitate in a tonic for neurasthenia, and scarcely had he boarded the famous building in Whitehall and mounted his quarter-deck than victory began to crown the arms of the Senior Service.

But peace no less than war finds an outlet for the energies of the old sea-dog, and the veriest hint of a railway strike finds him ready with flotillas of motor lorries in commission and himself in his flag char-?-banc, aptly named the Queen of Eryx, at their head. Lever, marlin-spike or steering wheel, it is all one to the brain which can co-ordinate squadrons as easily as rolling-stock, to the man who is now sometimes known as the Stormy Petrol of the Cabinet. Yet even so the sailor is strongest in him still. It is not generally known that Sir ERIC has already cocked his weather eye at our inland waterways as an auxiliary line of defence in case of need. Experience has taught him that it is even now quicker to travel, let us say, from Boston to Wolverhampton, by river and canal than by rail, and the future may yet see Thames, Trent and Severn churned to foam by motor barges of incredible rapidity, distributing the nation's food supplies.

This is one of the things that the Ministry of Transport has, so to say, up its sleeve, and is alone a sufficient answer to those who suggest that this Ministry has outlived its hour. There is a grim Norse spirit amongst its officials, inspired perhaps by their chieftain's name, and already the plans for a first-class Pullman galley are under way. As LONGFELLOW sings:--

"Never saw the wild North Sea Such a gallant company Sail its billows blue; Never, while they cruised and quarrelled, Old King Gorm or Blue Tooth Harold, Owned a ship so well apparelled, Boasted such a crew."

Quite the proper function for a FENDER.

ELFIN TENNIS.

Once in a fold of the hill I caught them-- All by my lone was I-- Out on the downs one night in Autumn, Under a moonlit sky.

There on a smooth little green rectangle Sparkled the lines of dew; Over the court with their wings a-spangle Four little fairies flew;

Skeleton leaves in their hands for racquets .

Over a net of the fairies' knitting Smallest of tiny puff-balls flitting Hither and thither sped.

So for a minute I watched them, shrinking Low in the gorse-bush shade; Then, like a mortal fool unthinking, Shouted aloud, "Well played!"

Right in the midst of an elfin rally Sudden I stood alone; Far away over the distant valley Fairies and elves had flown.

A D'ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE.

A FOOTNOTE TO THE "BAB BALLADS."

Serene and Celestial Sage, How well you revive and renew The delights of an age when good "Bab" was the rage-- Eminent WELLINGTON KOO!

For I feel, though I may be a fool, You were reared in remote Rum-ti-Foo, Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule-- Tolerant WELLINGTON KOO.

Next I see you adorning the scene In the city of fair Titipu, Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold-- Sumptuous WELLINGTON KOO.

"Morality, heavenly link," I'm sure you will never taboo, Though to it I don't think you'll "eternally drink"-- Temperate WELLINGTON KOO.

It is rather malicious, I own, To play with a name that is true, But I hope you'll condone my irreverent tone-- Generous WELLINGTON KOO.

For these last two posts, their archness would, we think, be an irresistible qualification.

"NURSES WANTED.

Extra pay at special rates for any time worked in excess of ordinary working hours."

The generous provision for "overtime" makes the above offer unusually attractive.

IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL.

On Wednesday the Society held its 2,187th meeting. There was some regrettable rowdiness during Private Business, and A. MOSELEY had to be ejected for asking too many questions. Members must not bring bags of gooseberries into the debates.

In Public Business the motion was:--

D. LLOYD GEORGE, Proposer , said that Science had won the War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy and Daylight Saving to prove this. The most successful Generals had had a scientific training. His uncle had met a General who knew algebra and used it at the Battle of the Marne. Only two first-class cricketers had ever been in the Cabinet. Three scientists had. The earth went round the sun. The moon went round the earth. Rivers flowed into the ocean.

An improving speaker, who is inclined to be carried away by his enthusiasm. Too many metaphors.

H. ASQUITH, Opposer , said that the speech of the hon. Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, as ineffective as they were insincere. Never in the whole course of his career had he encountered a subterfuge so transparent, a calumny so shameless as the attempt of the Hon. Prop., he might say the calculated and cynical attempt of the Hon. Prop., to seduce from their faith the tenacious acolytes of Sport by the now threadbare recital of the dubious and, on his own showing, the anaemic enticements of Science. The War had proved that Science was no good.

This speaker is steadily improving, but he has a tendency to a "fatal fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding phrases. Also too many passages in his speech sounded like quotations.

A. BONAR LAW, Seconder , said that the War had proved that Sport was no good. Gas had been invented by Science. He pointed out the importance of astronomy in navigation.

A rapidly improving speaker. But he must not mumble.

E. G. PRETTYMAN said that farming was both a science and a sport. The canal system of Great Britain had been neglected.

Some neat little epigrams.

LESLIE SCOTT said that his father was a lawyer. Science had been used in the Russo-Japanese War.

This speaker was not at his best. Perhaps it was the gooseberries.

The speech of the evening. Witty and well-argued. But he must not fidget with his waistcoat-buttons.

W. S. CHURCHILL said that this was a revolutionary motion. Sport and Science must stand together. True sport was scientific and true scientists were sportsmen. Together they would stand as an imperishable bulwark against the relentless tide of Socialism. Divided they would fall.

A steadily improving speaker, but he must not recite.

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