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Read Ebook: The World of Flying Saucers: A Scientific Examination of a Major Myth of the Space Age by Boyd Lyle Gifford Menzel Donald H Donald Howard
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Ebook has 1156 lines and 119693 words, and 24 pages
THE JEST BOOK
UNIVERSITY PRESS: WELCH, BIGELOW, & CO.
THE JEST BOOK
THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS
SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY
MARK LEMON
CAMBRIDGE
SEVER AND FRANCIS
PREFACE
Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that conviction!
The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,--the pure gold from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ... "Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue, condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy, and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise their Judgment."
Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."
Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by observing that "an assemblage of Ideas productive merely of pleasure does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add surprise."
Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."
The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty, "which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.
says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he has brought together.
M.L.
THE JEST BOOK.
POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."--"It is," said the wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."
THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:--
A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then, I shall soon make up the quarrel."
XL.--SOUND AND FURY.
L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.
SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife, Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; So termagant awhile her thunder tries, And when she can no longer scold, she cries.
AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men by the ordeal of women."
SINCE my old friend is grown so great, As to be minister of state, I'm told That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.
ALAS! if I am such a creature, To grow the worse for growing greater, Why, faith, in spite of all my brags, 'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.
LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he Laid many heavy loads on thee!
ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--
XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.
DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" , was shortly after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice, having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned them with the following lines:--
C.--COMPUTATION.
A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town, to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."
SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous one:
"I went to Frankfort and got drunk With that most learned professor, Brunck; I went to Worts and got more drunken With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."
MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.
CXL.--A CABAL.
ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were over baked."
A PUD IN is almi de si re, Mimis tres Ine ver require, Alo veri find it a gestis, His miseri ne ver at restis.
MOLLIS abuti, Has an acuti, No lasso finis, Molli divinis. O mi de armis tres, Imi nadis tres, Cantu disco ver Meas alo ver?
WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l. 15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The Nightingale's Wing."
CL.--AN EYE TO PROFIT.
THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his pig's victuals.
"SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.
"RD. GOLD."
ASK you why gold and velvet bind The temples of that cringing thief? Is it so strange a thing to find A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?
ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it should consist of twelve members, and be called "The Zodiac," each member to be named after a sign.
"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid that his name would be forgotten.
"A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say-- Embalm the dead--on senseless clay Rich wine and spices waste: Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I, Bound in a precious pickle lie, Which I can never taste! Let me embalm this flesh of mine, With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine, And spoil the Egyptian trade, Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I, Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie A mummy ready made."
AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."
THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--
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