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Read Ebook: Thistledown: A Book of Scotch Humour Character Folk-lore Story & Anecdote by Ford Robert Duncan John Illustrator
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The Judges and Counsel engaged in our Scottish Law Courts, it has been seen, have been a peculiarly witty and entertaining set, and the same may be said of some of the witnesses who have passed through their fingers. The following examination, which took place in a question tried in 1817, in the Jury Court, between the Trustees on the Kinghorn Passage and the town of Kirkcaldy, affords a striking illustration of the cannieness of one.
The witness was called on the part of the trustees, and apparently full of their interest. The counsel having heard that the man had got the present of a coat from the clerk to the trustees before coming to attend the trial, thought proper to interrogate him on that point; as, by proving this, it would have the effect of completely setting aside his testimony. The examination was as follows:--
"Pray, where did you get that coat?"
The witness , with a mixture of effrontery and confusion, exclaimed--
"Coat, coat, sir! Whare got I that coat?"
"I wish to know where you got that coat?"
"Maybe ye ken whare I got it?"
"No; but we wish to know from whom you got it?"
"Did ye gi'e me that coat?"
"Tell the jury where you got that coat?"
"What's your business wi' that?"
"It is material that you tell the court where you got that coat?"
"I'm no obleeged to tell about my coat."
"Do you not recollect whether you bought that coat, or whether it was given to you?"
"I canna recollect everything about my coats--whan I get them, or whare I get them."
"You said you remembered perfectly well about the boats forty-two years ago, and the people that lived at Kirkcaldy then, and John More's boat; and can you not recollect where you got that coat you have on at present?"
"I'm no gaun to say onything about coats."
"Did Mr. Douglas, clerk to the trustees, give you that coat?"
"Hoo do you ken onything about that?"
"I ask you, did Mr. Douglas, clerk to the trustees, give you that coat?"
"I'm no bound to answer that question, but merely to tell the truth."
"So you won't tell where you got that coat?"
"I didna get the coat to do onything wrang for't; I didna engage to say onything that wasna true."
The Lord Chief Commissioner, when the witness was going out of the box, called him back and observed, "The Court wish to know from you something farther about this coat. It is not believed or suspected that you got it improperly or dishonestly, or that there is any reason for your concealing it. You may have been disinclined to speak about it, thinking that there was something of insult or reproach in the question put from the bar. You must be sensible that the bench can have no such intention: and it is for your credit, and the sake of your testimony, to disclose fairly where you got it. There may be discredit in concealing, but none in telling where you got it.
"Where did you get the coat?"
"I'm no obleeged to tell about my coat."
"True, you are not obliged to tell where you got it, but it is for your own credit to tell."
"I didna come here to tell about coats, but to tell about boats and pinnaces."
"If you do not tell, I must throw aside your evidence altogether."
"I'm no gaun to say onything about my coat; I'm no obleeged to say onything about it."
Witness went away, and was called back by Lord Gillies.
"How long have you had that coat?"
"I dinna ken how lang I ha'e had my coat. I ha'e plenty o' coats. I dinna mind about this coat or that coat."
"Do you remember anything near the time: have you had it a year, a month, or a week? Have you had it a week?"
"Hoot, ay, I daresay I may."
"Have you had it a month?"
"I dinna ken: I cam' here to speak about boats, and no about coats."
"Did you buy the coat?"
"I dinna mind what coat I bought, or what coat I got."
The upshot of it was, that their lordships were forced to reject the evidence of the witness.
Your city and burgh magistrates, too, by the sublime naturalness with which they "open their mouth and put their foot in it," have afforded much fun to the world. A boy being brought before a newly-installed West country bailie for stealing a turnip, he sentenced him to seven days' imprisonment, adding, in profoundly solemn tones, "And may the Lord have mercy on your soul."
A Glasgow magistrate had a young lad brought before him accused with abstracting a handkerchief from a gentleman's pocket. Without waiting for proof of the accused's guilt, the bailie addressed him, remarking, "I ha'e nae doot but ye did the deed, for I had a handkerchief ta'en oot o' my ain pouch this vera week," and passed sentence.
The same magisterial logician was on another occasion seated on the bench, when a case of serious assault was brought before him by the public prosecutor. Struck by the powerful phraseology of the indictment, the bailie proceeded to say, "For this malicious crime you are fined half a guinea." The assessor remarked that the case had not been proven. "Then," continued the magistrate, "we'll mak' it five shillings."
An unfortunate fellow, many years ago, appeared at the bar of the Glasgow Police Court for being drunk and disorderly. Both the culprit and the bailie were characters in their way. The case was conclusively proved, and the bailie fined the man in fifteen shillings.
"Fifteen shillin's!" exclaimed the man. "Bailie, you're surely no' in earnest! Bless ye! whan will I win fifteen shillin's to gie ye!"
"Well," said the bailie, "I'll make it half a guinea, and not a farthing less."
"Hauf a guinea! If ye fine me in hauf a guinea what's to come o' my puir wife an' weans? They maun starve; there's nae ither way o't!" returned the offender, in a most lugubrious tone. "Ay, we maun a' starve, or beg!"
"Well," said the bailie, relenting, "I'll make it seven and six, and not a farthing less!"
"Seeven an' six! That's just the hauf o' my week's wages--and there's no' a grain o' meal in the hoose, nor a bit coal to mak' it ready, even supposin' there was! Oh, bailie, think what an awfu' lot seven an' six is to a workin' man wi' a sma' family!"
"Well, well," returned the good-natured magistrate, "I'll make it five shillings, and I'll not make it a farthing less though you were the king on the throne!"
"Weel, weel, bailie, Mary an' me an' the weans maun just submit," said the knave, pretending to have broken into tears, at the same time saying to himself, "Blessed is he that wisely doth the poor man's case consider."
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