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Read Ebook: Please pass the cream: A comedy by Holmes Charles Nevers
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Ebook has 45 lines and 5652 words, and 1 pages
PLEASE PASS THE CREAM
A COMEDY
BY CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES
CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY PUBLISHERS
PLEASE PASS THE CREAM
COSTUMES.
PROPERTIES.
All listed in description of stage setting.
STAGE DIRECTIONS.
PLEASE PASS THE CREAM
MRS. CLARK . I wish you wouldn't say "it don't," John. That isn't grammatical!
MR. CLARK . It ain't--why isn't it?
MR. C. . I dunno, Martha. I never was much good at mental arithmetic.
MR. C. . All right, Martha. I won't use that word no more.
MR. C. . But what is a knife for if it isn't to eat with?
MR. C. . No, Martha, a fork is the proper instrument with which to convey a piece of meat from one's plate to one's mouth.
MR. C. . No, ma'am! Still, it's ever so much easier to eat with my knife than with my fork.
MR. C. . Yet I've read somewhere--I know I have--that George Washington ate with his knife in the same way that I did.
MRS. C. . Oh, well, forks were not invented then.
MR. C. . They never should have been invented. Fingers are ever so much better than forks.
MR. C. . Really I can't see why an honest hungry man should be ashamed of eating with his knife.
MR. C. . I wish that Mrs. James's husband would pay that 0 he has owed me for a year.
MR. C. . Well, when a dozen other gentlemen of high social position have each owed me a hundred dollars for more than a year I don't feel so proud of Mr. James's owing me a hundred plunks.
MR. C. . If you only was a man for a minute!
MRS. C. . Mr. Clark, please remember that I am Mrs. Clark.
MRS. C. . Don't you think you had better drink your coffee? It must be getting cool.
MR. C. . Well, because you are Mrs. Clark doesn't give you any right to nag me.
MR. C. . It's too blamed bad that a man can't speak as he wants to in his own home.
MR. C. . What do you mean by our best society, Martha?
MR. C. . No, Martha, this coffee is all right; but haven't you forgotten something?
MRS. C. . What is it I have forgotten?
MR. C. . Martha, I never knew before that milk comes from cream.
MRS. C. . That was a slip of my tongue.
MR. C. . Yes, just as when you say that this pitcher contains cream.
MR. C. . Well, what has politeness to do with it, anyway? If it's milk in the glass it will be milk when it's in the pitcher.
MR. C. . I suppose that if that pitcher contained only water it could be called cream!
MRS. C. . I am sorry, John, that you have had to call for assistance, but Mrs. Williams will, I am sure, wholly agree with me.
MR. C. . Well, I was brought up on a farm and I ought to know the difference between milk and cream.
MRS. C. . I guess you were brought up on a farm all right.
MR. C. . After all, Martha, I think I'll have some coffee. Will you please pass me the milk?
MR. C. . Martha, will you please pass me the--milk?
MR. C. . Hold on! That is Grandmother Smith's old cream-pitcher!
CURTAIN.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES:
Obvious typographical errors have been corrected.
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